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I can't seem to shake this monkey
by billyb, Sep 12, 2001 12:00AM
It's out of control. I can't stop this train, and I'm getting scared. COCAINE Nothing in my life has ever had this much control over me. Not even a woman. I am 35 yrs, in a wheelchair with a spinal cord injury ( 4 yrs ) My wife left me about a year ago, and this **** took her place. On top of that, I am injecting it. I feel so bad, because I am so weak. The way I am using it, absoulutly sickins my stomach. If my X would ever find out, I would lose my kids. I love my kids very very much. They areeverything to me. But when I drop them off, Lucifer comes a calling. Being alone sucks the big one. I am scared of what this stuff is doing to me. My arms look like hell, and I am losing my self worth. I cannot love myself like this. This is not the road Iwant to travel. I picked up a ball last night, and haven't slept yet. It's gone now. I sure wish it could be gone forever. Is there anyone out there that has kicked this monkey in the ass ? I told a couple of my friends, hoping they might be able to help me, but they juststoped coming over. It sucks to be me...Yup it sucks to be me. I tried to get into something that would occuppy my time, by building a website, to try and make some cash, but I can't even do that. I'm thinking about suicide, before I overdose. I would hate for my kids to come over and find me with a needle sticking in my arm. Doesanyone have any advise for me ? Fricken Columbians. Sorry for being so weak. Rick
it has been many years since i have touched cocain. when i did do
cocaine i, like you injected it. i can still remember the blown
out frazzled feeling when the coke is gone.
2 things:
1) Get some help. i don't care from who or what. this is the most
important thing. the condition is very fragile. it's time to go
into survival mode. call your doctor,or suicide hot line! the
condition your in, you can't go this alone.
2)on this forum, are many caring people who have been where your
at. believe me when i tell you THERE IS A WAY THRU THIS! please
stay in touch with this forum as we wish to assist you any way we
can!
keep an angel on your shoulder!
kip
JENNY - Hang in there I am here for you if you need anything!!! How was the visit with the parents?
please let us know if your still reading the postings on this
forum. all thru out today i thought of you and your posting. i
must admit i am some what dissapointed by the lack of other regular
posters. perhaps the current events in nyc & washingto dc has up-
set the routine. hang in there and let us know whats going on with
you!
keep an angel on your shoulder
kip
Kip, I've been so busy fielding emails and coordinating efforts in the Pagan community in response to the tragedy, that I've been having a hard time keeping up with anything else...
but billyb, I do want to respond to you. You sound like you are either at bottom, or about to hit it..Please don't try to go this alone. It is a great step that you came here and told us what was going on. This is an amazing and compassionate, non judgemental group of people. Keep posting and reading and you'll see what I mean.
But also..your suicidal feelings worry me alot. Your kids need you alive and here. Trust me on this..let them be your reason to cling to life and to reach out for help. Taking out of the realm of secrecy and sharing it with others who have been there will be a powerful step toward healing. You are not alone and you are not a bad person. You are an addict, just like me...and among other addicts you are likely to find your healing.
Call NA, or CA, talk to a counselor..just don't give up.
let us know how you are doing..
love,
WW
Love, kristen
http://growthspurts.com/images/photos/15765333814.jpg
I was so happy to read that those who have posted are safe. i have had a terrible time with aol these last couple days. As soon as I would log on it kicked me right off.
Rick, before I was a pill junkie my addiction took many many avenues. I would like to think of myself as a pharmacology engineer. (without the degree of course) I loved anything white and powdery..coke, pcp etc. And YES Rick as with any addiction you can get hold of it.
But in your state of mind I think you need to get some help soon. As someone suggested go to a hospital, suicide hotline.
Remember your kids Rick. And know suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a Temporary problem. You have made a step by reaching out to those on this forum. These people are in various stages of their addiction. They are non-judgemental and EXTREMELY supportive. I think you will find a lot of support here. Read back through the past threads and post often. Welcome aboard Rick.
God bless you all at this time when we realize how fragile life is.
Shea
Not to steal your thunder on this thread Rick but I have a question. I have been taking Thomas recipe for almost two weeks. anyhow, over all i think it is working great. I do the 5htp also. One and night and one in the morning. QUESTION: I have a pins and needle feeling in my hands, more so my left than my right. Any ideas if this is a side effect to the 5htp? Also an odd taste in my mouth. It did say muscle weakness to be aware of on the bottle. But this isn't that. It is pins and needles feelings and numbness in the finger tips. I would ask my doctor but he is still trying to distinguish his ass from a hole in the ground. thanks as always for any info.
Shea
I know that when I take the L-Tyrosine, I get a distinctly funny taste in my mouth, and it makes me feel very jittery, as if I've had a bit too much caffeine. That may be where the funny taste is coming from. I've not noticed any pins and needles myself.
To be on the safe side, try stopping the 5 HTP and see if the pins and needles goes away. Also, it would be a good idea to see a doctor if you can, just to be sure it isn't something else.
Anxiety can cause that kind of pins and needles, but so can a lot of other things.
keep us posted!
WW
Thomas
Well, I made it through. Oh the guilt. I tossed the rigs in the trash. I can only hope I will never touch another. I am scared to go to a detox, because of the system. They had my number when I was drinking. Made my life hell, and I didn't quit drinking. I have now been clean from drinking for 4 yrs, because I wanted it. This is more powerful though. I'm just scared of what people will think of me. The last thing I want, is to be known as a junkie. Even though that's exactly what I am. I feel better today. I would like to thank you all for your words of compassion. I will get through this ****.
Rick
first of all let me tell you how glad i am to hear from you. i've
not forgotten what it's like to feel the anguish you must have
felt when you posted yesterday.
rick, stop worrying about what people think. start worrying about
what could happen the next time you do up all the coke you can get
your hands on!
there is always room for one more person in this forum.
kip
Hey Shane,
Thomas doesn't need anybody to defend him, but, excuse me, what did you say? I can't find your previous post.
If you think you are going to find most of the people in denial here, you have another thought coming. As one of the folks who posted about the inherent inequities in being able to purchase booze but not vicodin, I will make a value judgment - cocaine is by far more destructive than vicodin. That doesn't mean that we (I) don't have substance abuse problems. It doesn't mean that I can't offer advice without being hypocritical. It's called support and you'll find Thomas has given a lions' share of support for months on this board.
No one's endorsing abuse. I'd refrain from flaming folks here. This is a place to help others. Disagreements are fine (you and I disagree about cocaine) but I wouldn’t take the holier than thou approach. Ain't a lot of saints here. Just folks struggling with common