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Cocaine death

by pcalifa, Sep 26, 2001 12:00AM


My son was 19.  He used cocaine intravenously for 3 years, particularly heavy the last year.  One night he was alone, had a lot of coke, and couldn’t stop.  He overdosed, had a psychotic episode, busted some glass, cut himself seriously and bled to death.  His tolerance was high because of his frequent heavy use.  The toxicology report indicates 1.0 mg/L of cocaine found in his blood.  I’m not trying to be dramatic, but can you tell me maybe what his experience was? As a mother I want to know what he felt.



I know he is no longer struggling, his pain is over, and I believe he is now in True divine, peaceful bliss - the Real Thing!



Thank you.
Member Comments (44)

by skipper, Sep 26, 2001 12:00AM
To: pcalifa
pcalifa:

first of all let me extend a welcome to this forum. there is always

room for one more person here. second of all let mexxpress my sor-

row and remorse at your sons death. of all the things that are spo-

ken of on this foeum, 2 are much over looked. 1) not erveryonr

afflicted with the disease of addiction will live through it. 2) of

those whom addiction doewsn't kill, not all will find recovery. I

know this is some tuff stuff to swallow even now, but none of us

makes the rules, we just live and die by them.

what it was your son felt can only be guessed at. my extensive use of this evil chemical (only thing worse is methamphetamine) would tend to agree with the description of WS buroughs in "Naked Lunch." he described it as a 'berserk pinball machine in the head." my last

thought after doing any cocaine ever was to get more coke!

again let me expresws my sorrow and regret at this tragicl loss

you have expierenced!

keep an angel on your shoulderkip

by cindi, Sep 26, 2001 12:00AM
To: Pcalifa
I'm truly sorry to hear of your son..as skip said this disease will take people and not all find recovery....i have shot myself full of drugs over the years.....never cocaine..I have never snorted it but I did smoke it.....and take my word,,,it is exactly how skipper described...and my feeling were that of getting more and more.....No one really knows what a person feels when they die....I've been a nurse for 20 years and I have most of thime seen peole die very quietly and peacefully..but i can understand how you feel....I lost my mom on Christmas morning to Emphysema and sepsis....she was only 61...I know for sure she suffered until the bitter end....and died quietly and I am trying to believe she is at peace now.....losing a mom is different than a child...I have 2 little ones....my world will end should I ever lose one of them....I would not be able to go on without them....you are a brave person....Please be at peace knowing your son is at peace...peace from this awful disease...as those that are still actively using are tormented souls.....May God be with us all.............love cin

by CKivlan, Sep 26, 2001 12:00AM
I am so sorry to hear what happened to your son.  I am 20 years old and I had a cocaine overdose on St.Patricks Day.  My story is a little similiar to your sons.  I did so much cocaine and got very very drunk and i stayed up for more than 24 hours doing cocaine.  When my cocaine was gone and it was time to fall asleep...it was IMPOSSIBLE! I started to freak out and my heart was racing extremely fast and my mind was completely crazy.  I thought i was dying! I tried everything from taking a shower... trying to relax... nothing worked.  i couldnt breathe... so i went to the hospital.. I will never touch that dirty stuff again.  I now suffer from bad panic attacks/anxiety disorder due to this experience.  I still feel like im coming off the cocaine 4 months later.... my heart races for no reason and i start hyperventalating.  Sorry to be so BLUNT but I'm letting you know my experience. I almost died and its the most horrible way I can imagine to go.  I can't explain how it feels that well.. it's something you could only understand if you went through it and believe me YOU don't ever want to touch that ****! Cocaine is my worst enemy and it has fu*ked up my life at the age of 20 years old!  God Bless you and I hope your son didn't suffer too horribly much.  Love, Cynthia

by Milo, Sep 27, 2001 12:00AM
To: pcalifa
First, welcome to the forum, and my sincere, heartfelt sympathy for your terrible loss. I can't begin to know how you must feel, though I lived in fear of losing a parent recently, so I can sympathize a little -- but would never claim to empathize with your feelings, as I imagine they must be  almost too heartbreaking to bear. No parent should have to bury their child. Take comfort in knowing he is at peace. Post here with any questions, feelings, sorrow, anger, etc, you may want to express. You've come across some of the kindest, gentlest, most caring and decent human beings it  has been my privilige to know. You may be asking yourself, "why?" and maybe you can find some answers here. I'm deeply, truly sorry for your loss. Bless your heart -- Milo

by cindi, Sep 27, 2001 12:00AM
To: Milo
Geeze,,,a blast from the past..where the heck have you been?  I missed you  How are things with you and everything?   I am so glad to see MILO again  love to all cin

by Milo, Sep 27, 2001 12:00AM
To: Cindi § Everybody
Hi to you too, Cindi, and all my friends here. Sorry to be absent for a while. Sometimes I just retreat into my own little world, especially with the recent horrific events, but I'm trying not to do that, and am happy to be back. For those of you who know about my father, he is doing fantastic -- absolutely fine on every test, and feeling well -- and he's halfway through his treatments now. Complete cure is expected. Thank God! I have been feeling much less depressed, with much more energy, doing things I've put off doing for years, and after a month-long bout of tummy troubles am free of those symptoms once again. I am, however, running up against a lot of very tough issues in my life right now, and in all honesty can't say I'm being a model of responsibility with the meds. But I'm glad to be back, and all of you, please feel free to e-mail me any time as well. ***@****

I love you all. -- Milo

by skipper, Sep 27, 2001 12:00AM
To: Milo
Dammit Milo, i was just going to get the dog walked and saw your post and had to answer. now meaty-boy is giving me that i'm going

to **** on the rug look-- it's great to hear your father is doing

so well. Post back some more and give us the rest of the story!

keep an angel on your shoulder

kip

by cindi, Sep 27, 2001 12:00AM
To: MILO
Oh God,,,that skipper is a bonified nut...LOL  gotta love him....I'm glad to hear Mr. Milo is doing good   I am concerned about Milo.....what can we do to help you?  you still have my e-mail?   you know you can talk to us....you know I'm /we're always here for you.....hang in there  we love you right back,,,,cin

by Milo, Sep 27, 2001 12:00AM
To: Skipper § Cindi
Bless your hearts -- after delaying Skipper's dog, I had to reply!

As they say, it's a long story, but let me reassure you there's no immediate crisis or anything like that. My dad's illness and then the inhuman terrorist attacks have made me think about not just the value of life but the importance of actually *living* it while we have the chance. I haven't been doing that for several years now, partly due to physical illness (IBS), partly extreme anxiety, esp. social anxiety, and partly long- standing unresolved issues. In many ways things are looking up now. I'm actually getting satisfaction out of my work, I have energy to do things again, and I'm feeling a little more optimistic overall. I finally have a combination of (legitimate) meds that has helped my stomach and my mood tremendously. The "problem" meds are an escape, a weakness, an avoidance of emotional pain.

Cindi, last I heard you were in need of a new doctor and very worried. How has all that worked out? Well I hope, because you deserve good care and freedom from fear. Kip, how is your father doing? And are you still improving physically? I've thought about you both often, even though I haven't stayed in touch.

Cindi, I still have your e-mail & may indeed bend your ear sometime soon. Both of you feel free to write me whenever you want. I can't tell you how good it feels to know you care!

-- Milo

by pcalifa, Sep 28, 2001 12:00AM
First I want to thank the first four people for their thoughtful replies.  I guess I don't understand how this works; it's the first time I ever tried a "forum."  As I continue checking back I see that my question is now out of the loop of discussion.  Oh well, I'm thankful for the responses I did receive.  God bless each of you.

by kstuebin, Sep 28, 2001 12:00AM
To: pcalifa
I'm new here too.  I don't think your question is out of the loop, sometimes there seem to be side conversations going on as well.  If not many people answered, it's not from lack of caring, believe me.  It's just so hard to know what to say. What a horrible, horrible senseless thing to happen. And no answer to the question "why?" What words of comfort could possibly be sufficient. I'm sure everyone who read your post has said a prayer for you. Keep posting.  Maybe someone read that and made a decision to never put their mother through that much pain.  You may have saved someone else's life.

by cindi, Sep 28, 2001 12:00AM
To: pcalif
kstuebin is right  You are not out of the loop of discussion...everyone here is so caring and good hearted..the concern is genuine....sometimes there are side discussions and sometimes people just don't have anything to add to the previous posts or they simply don't know what to say...you have been through the death of a child....how does one console a mom who has lost a son...it is out of the realm of comrehension to me....I would rather die myself than lose one of my kids....a mom's death is bad enough....the pain never seems to leave me so I can't even begin to imagine beyond my wildest dreams what you are going through...just know that my prayers  no, make that our prayers are with you during this horrible time...love to all   cin

by cindi, Sep 28, 2001 12:00AM
To: panic attack sufferer
I think you are the young lady that posted here awhile back,,,,a few different times..we all advised you to go to the ER for some help during one of your problems...how are you doing?  are you clean?   we'd like to hear more from you..........love to all  cin

by justmee, Sep 29, 2001 12:00AM
To: pcalif
i have been reading the posts on this site for a while and I have been checking back to see how people would respond to your question.  I too noticed that you didn't get much of a response.  I can imagine how you must have felt.  It was such a devasting thing that happened to your son, it is so shocking that, I couldn't find words, so I waited for the others to respond.  People just don't know what they can possibly say in a time like this.



I think that everyone's experience with cocaine is different and it is impossible to know what your son went through.  I have never experienced anything horrific while on cocaine but my sister (we used together) would sometimes go through wild outbursts like your son and the next day she wouldn't remember what happened. I used to think that was a blessing. I thought that something in her brain would shut down and allow her not to feel or know about what was going on.  I have heard that God doesn't put you through anything you can't handle.  I can tell you that I went throuh an experience where death was imminent and it was the most peaceful, loving, beautiful moment of my life.



by cindi, Sep 29, 2001 12:00AM
To: Justmee
The reason I think that the above poster did not get many responses is because we truly have no idea what to say,,,no one knows what one goes through when dying....no one really knows what her son must have endured and to say that his death was painful, horrid etc...or could have been terrible and he suffered immensley whoud do this woman a great injustice.....we don't know..it may have been peaceful and beautiful..so our lack of responses was not out of malintent....or the lack of caring...I hope that she does understand this.....love to all  cin

by SHOTSY, Sep 29, 2001 12:00AM
To: pcalif
Same here, just quite don't know how to alleviate the pain