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Pathetic
Love Butterbean
My husband has Hep-C and needed a liver transplant. He became very ill, close to death, I was watching him die. It was really hard for me. The sicker he got the sicker I got. I went to every doctor in this valley crying wolf about my fake pain just to get pills. And the doctors all believed me, so I got a lot of Norco/Vicodin. My addiction became my emotional home, it helped me deal with the possibility of him dying. To make a long story short, he got his new liver and is doing very well now. But I had to go through a rehab and be medically detoxed which was hell. Now I am off of all of the pain meds. (I don't have chronic pain) The point that I am getting at is now that I am off of the opiates I am a lot stronger emotionally. If I have to go through loosing anyone in death, I have a better chance of being strong now that I am clean.
I don't know if this will help, but hang in there!
Blessings,
Jackie
It will not be an easy road, but when you really really want it bad enough, you will find a way to deal with the cravings. The cravings are going to be there, there's no way around that, but you have to make up your mind that you want more for yourself then to be a prisoner to the drugs for the rest of your life. You also need to remember that it does get easier and easier as time goes by. It may seem almost unbearable at first, but know that it will get easier. You have to take it one day at a time, and not panic.
I'm still addicted, so believe me, i'm not preaching only trying to help.
I've stopped using only when forced to during a pregnancy, and I was feeling so good and so much better about myself. My addiction, at that time, was nowhere near what it is now, so it wasn't that hard. I have still yet to overcome it this time around! :(
Stay close, and lean on us here. We will help you through it.
Good luck!
Lv Jenny
In 1999, my daughter passed away and the screaming in my head has never stopped. Her last phone call to me was to wish me a happy birthday! The next morning I got the phone call informing me of her death due to a grand mal seizure. I died again inside but am still here enough to tell you that your life must go on. You can make it...you will be just fine! Life is but a temporary thing but love is eternal.
J.B.
J.B - Your story stuck out in my mind and I wanted to let you know that you are all heart. It takes an amazing person to go through what you did and still are going through. Thank you so much and I will keep in touch.
All of you are great, I can't say enough, I am so glad that I have found this forum, if it wasn't for this forum, I would have already went to buy some more OC's off the street. Well, I have to get going, but you guys are awesome.
P.S - does anyone know the where abouts of other people who post, I mean, I'm just curious as to where most of you all live (state only) I'm from Massachusetts. Good luck to you all and STAY STRONG!!!!!
I believe in one to one
and one on one.
No wine or magic
no hand-me-down Bible
can improve that.
I believe in spring
but only if I'm rolling in a pillow
or hold some well loved face
is any world green enough for me.
My daughter has spoken to me again! She has thanked me for all the visits to her with the white rose that I kneel to place on her grave backing away and sobbing. Someday we will be together again. I love you my baby!
J.B.
GWH, I feel that I am blessed to have found this forum too. There is an amazingly sad story behind all of us here, and yet we come together to grow in our strength and escape from the usual outlets of our frustration. Welcome.
Addiction is so awfully powerful,destructive, and tragic,yet it is universal and leaves us all wanting the same thing....out!
I have trouble with cravings too, but I read what the Wizard wrote about them being whispers from the dragon, and that has really helped me. I am not so sure why, I have been an addict for 25 years with maybe one year and half clean time, but it does and I am grateful. I hope that you find something you can use here.
(I hope I didn't I leave out:)
Love,
Jackie:)
And this has been the case ever since. Sure--in my mind, I am convinced that I needed those pills to help the emotional pain. There are even times when I believe that the pills are actually a miracle cure--I keep waiting to pick up the New York Times and read about the FDA approving Vicodin for the treatment of anxiety and depression. Ha! I'm a fairly intelligent person, but when I get sucked into the whole cycle of addiction, these thoughts actually make sense to me. Anyway, the scary part is that I occassionally run out of pills or decide to stop using. When that happens, I start thinking about my mom and her death and I get really sad. Sometimes I feel hopeful that I can feel this stuff again, because I've been numb for so long, and I actually feel proud of myself at the thought that I might deal with her death in a mature and healthy way. And then in a moment of weakness, I decide to wait and deal with things later--next week, next month--and I get another script. And so on, and so on.
The thing that frightens me the most is that my family and friends think that I processed my mom's death and that I'm "over" the worst part. Months ago, everyone was amazed at how calm I was and how adept I was at dealing with it. So now, it's old news to them. But of course, I didn't really deal with it. I was simply numb and under the influence. Now, I know I have to get clean and deal with it--but this time, I'm alone. So now I face the challenge of withdrawal and coping and grieving by myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think using opiates is a normal reaction for an addict facing the death of a friend or family member...but it certainly doesn't help in the long run. That pain does not go away. It will be there when the pills run out. And if I could do things all over again, I would choose to deal with stuff at the time that it happens, when I have a good support system. Because dealing with things months down the road after everyone has left is a very lonely thing.
Good luck--and remember, you have everyone here to help you...
Leigh
(PS--I'm in NY)
Thanks for being there JB. You've helped me from my very first post here..in fact, as you may remember, you were the first person on this forum to reach out and help me when I made that first post, terrified to admit how bad my addiction was, terrified that I would be made to feel weak and bad and wrong. Your constant genuineness, your willingness to speak Truth even when it may seem blunt or harsh, and your endless commitment to helping other addicts even in the midst of your own and your wife's serious illness...well, it all boggles my mind. I'm grateful you are are you. What can I say?
I've felt extremely stressed out and overwhelmed lately...this time of year is very hard at my job. We get extremely busy, and crisis visits go sky high, I've also got my hands full supporting some friends who's marriage is ending, so I've not been as able to post much. Sometimes I feel so drained by my day and my life that I don't feel I have an ounce of anything left to give....and I don't always remember to do things to nourish and nurture myself....then I come here and read something like you just posted about the book you found with the rose, and suddenly my heart feels filled again...as if you helped me dip into a well of spiritual sustenance, and I remember that it is in giving that we truly receive.
Thank you.
With love,
WW
Yes, in fact, the pills help a great deal. They are so damn good about numbing any kind of pain that they must be outlawed. At least that is what society has determined. So we are left with alcohol which is far more lethal statistically.
Please forgive me for my many relapses. I have tried therapies, antidepressants, sobriety, religion and 30 days in a ward. At this time of the year I get pretty bad. I'm sorry! I will survive, however....just bear with me. Life goes on within us or without us.
J.B.