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More questions on the Mental battle of sobriety........

by OxyDout, Dec 31, 2001 12:00AM
Hey guys, wow, this keeps getting harder and harder, I had my last day of methadone yesterday, but it wasn't even that much, the last two days, I only took 5 mg a day which isn't much at all.  I feel fine today (physically) but mentally this gets tougher and tougher.  I had to hook my brother up with a kid last night he sold him 3 80mg pills of oxy!!!!!!! but the good thing was when the thought went through my mind, I just got really anxious in a bad way, I was very nervous, I don't think i could even stomach taking one of them, it would be too hard.  I just know there are going to be times in the near future where I'm gonna tell myself that its ok, just this once and thats going to lead me down the path to nowhere.  I CAN'T DO THAT!! I have been sober for about 2 weeks with 1 setback, and so far I like being sober, things are getting back to normal, I'm always in the gym, I'm spending more time with the girl I love and work is going well.  Please reinform me of how bad it would be to take anything!!



very tempted



GWH
Member Comments (43)

by OxyDout, Dec 31, 2001 12:00AM
I need some help guys, I am going to wakefield tonight to spend the night with my girlfriend and another couple, the problem is, my "dealer" lives about 10 minutes away from her and he is always around, and he has no problem spotting me anything, WHAT A GREAT GUY!!!!(sarcastic) I don't want to see him, I really don't, so please respond if you get a chance, thank you, otherwise, I know I can avoid it, I have faith in myself.  Anyway, hope all is well with everyone.  Take care,  GWH

by Cindy, Dec 31, 2001 12:00AM
We have faith in you too!!!  Maybe if you think of this as just getting through one night, it might be a little easier???



Good luck!  You can kick this!!!



Cindy

by skipper, Dec 31, 2001 12:00AM
To: GWH
GWH:

it isn't rocket science, but it took me a long time to realize,it

is a whole lot easier avoiding trouble than it is to resist it.



everyone have a happy new year!

keep an angel on your shoulder

kip

by GingerLee, Dec 31, 2001 12:00AM
To: GWH
You have got my support as well. Remember though, if you do not want to play do not go to the playground. You can do this! I really want you to do this! You call somebody if you get in a pinch. I know it is hard. I feel your confusion too. Good Luck!

by erotisy, Dec 31, 2001 12:00AM
To: GWH
I said a special prayer for you brother.. I pray for your strentgth.. I'm so proud of you for being clean for 2 weeks.. thats a life time to an addict..I know!!! Just remember we are all here..I've learned sooo much from your story and others. I really hope you..wait..I KNOW you can do this tonight!!!! We all will be here waiting to talk come the morning ok? Good luck..and Happy "clean" New Year..everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by jennyfla, Jan 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: GWH
Be strong for yourself.  You really don't want to go back into that world, it's awful here, really!!!

Get support wherever and everywhere you can!

It's gonna be tough now, but it will get easier!

Good luck to you!

Lv Jenny

by OxyDout, Jan 02, 2002 12:00AM
Well, I took a table spoon of codeine syrup yesterday to knock me out so I wouldn't take anything yesterday because I was having a tough time. the syrup knocked me out for a couple of hours so that was good, but I'm worried, I have that urge just to get something, i don't want to do that, hopefully work goes by quick, because if it does I can get to the gym, if I can do that, I will be fine.  Anyway, I hope all of you are doing well, keep strong,



GWH

by erotisy, Jan 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: Everyone..GWH
Gwh...stay focused...keep busy.. I'm prayin for you today.. I'm really rootin for you. Anything..ANYTHING I can do to help.. please let me know.. you can vent..*****..whatever...you name it I'll try.. Stay close to us.. your doin soooo good, I know you can do it..your at work..THAT TAKES ALOT TO DO..(feeling bad) Ok my friend.. I gotta go...stay strong and think straight!!!!!

here's a big hug.............

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))erotisy!!

by jule1, Jan 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: GWH § Ginger
GWH - I have been reading your progress and I am really proud of you non addicts have no idea how hard this all is.  Keep up the good work and remember you have another friend in me,  Jules



Ginger - Hi there!!!   Its so good to see you posting again I think of you and wonder how you and your children are.  So how are you guys?  Did you have a good christmas, hannakuh, or whatever you celebrate?  I have always felt that you are a warm, kind person who is very hard on herself.  So please be kind to yourself.  One thing I have observed about all of us is the fact that we are all eager to please others sometimes at the expense of ourselves.  Does that make sense I hope so.  I hope you are having a happy day and a great new year to all of us!!  Jules

by OxyDout, Jan 03, 2002 12:00AM
I hope someone sees this post, I failed myself last night, I didn't take anything but that is because I couldn't get anything.......... I couldn't believe I was going to take something, and now today, I'm thinking that I want to go get something, I can't handle this, anyway, please write back and give me some words of wisdom, I need it!!!!!!



GWH

by skipper, Jan 03, 2002 12:00AM
To: GWH
GWH:

hey whats up with then fuss and fight (with your self) about? if

it was a "trangression" to ever have cravings and desires we would

all be bound for the special version of hell thst's probably gonna'

be reserved for junkys such as i. YOU DIDN'T USE. see thats the big

newsworthy thing here , lets all talk about that. something more

powerful than you interveened and you didn't score. maybe that was

just some extra help from what ever you choose to call it.



also see: i'm goinf to love and care about you and there isn't one

damm thing anyone of you can do about it!

by ep1, Jan 03, 2002 12:00AM
My doctor (he doesn't know I take oxy!) gave me some 5 mg Buspirone for anxiety....does anyone know anything about these,I don't  and I'm leery of taking them without some info,so please tell me if these are worth taking or not.To GWH,I to have back slid a bit over holidays....I  took half a 40 over my 2 a day limit,but I am back on vitamin supplements and I am trying to put at least 6 hours between my 2 40's a day.Next week I'm gonna try for 1 and a half then down to 1 by next weekend.

by erotisy, Jan 03, 2002 12:00AM
To: Everyone/gwh!!
GWH... I can honestly say, I've been visiting here for a week or so, and in that time I detoxed and then gave up and found myself back where I didnt want to be.. I was SOOO SCARED to come back on here.. I was even gonna lie to everyone and say im still doin good..I couldnt because these people really hoped and prayed for me..I let myself down more than I would let them down....so I told them...and I couldnt beleive what they said!!! "good job, you tryed, and we will be here again, again..and again to help." WOOOW......I love...really love these people, how is that possible? I dont know these people,but I do..they have treated me better than my own friends and family would have.. And I'm DAMN proud to stay I'm in company with these..you people.. And if there is any way I can return the favor...I WILL!!!!!!!

so be strong, and remember we..I am here, but I know you can do this..look how far you have come already..we all know how really hard this is.. stay close to us.and come back if you need anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))erotisy

by Telby, Jan 03, 2002 12:00AM
To: GWH
My man!  You are my pride and joy buddie so don't get weak in the knees.  No matter what happens you have two weeks away from oxycontin and man that is a miracle to me.  If you fall down remember you ain't where you were and it is a matter of getting back up - dusting yourself off- and keep fighting the fight.  I know you know that I am here for you no matter what and that in my book you are The Man!!!  love always, Telby    P.S. What ever happens don't stop posting, I would worry myself sick if I didn't know how you were.  You are not alone and thankfully there is no report card for any of us.  love, Telby

by OxyDout, Jan 04, 2002 12:00AM
To: Everyone.....Telby
Ok, last night was awful, My friend Jill had broken her pinky, I had gone over to her place last night to see how she was, come to find out she had a bunch of perks, she said she thought of me and wanted to know if I wanted them (she has no idea how much of a problem I have, otherwise she would never have asked) Anyway, there were about 12 of them, and i SAID NO!!!!!!!!! can you believe it, but then I got really anxious so I called my dealer and went and bought an oc 80!!! and I was planning on taking half last night and half this morning, then I felt guilty so I ended up taking half and giving it to my brother, then when I went to take the other half (40mg) I ended up spliting that in half and took 20mg just to keep my anxiety down, then I was going to take the other 20mg this morning and instead I THREW IT OUT!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD, i really do want to quit, and I really am gonna do it you guys, can you believe that, me, a serious addict, i was offered a bunch of perks and I had 80mg in my pocket last night, I spent $80 bucks and I only took 20mg which didn't even really do anything. This has been really uplifting, so please write back and tell me that it was the right thing to do and that I really can kick this habbit.  Thanks guys, i really need the support right now.  I hope all is well.  Love all of you.



GWH

by skipper, Jan 04, 2002 12:00AM
To: GWH
GWH:

i've been doing this "addict thing since the age of 13. i'm soon

to be 51. you do the math-it's just to depressing stacking portions

of your life up on a hype needle or bottles of purdues top seller

and then have to account (at least to yourself) for every trans-

gression.



tell me, when does an addict go from point A, to point B in a

straight and lnear manner?

what are ya gonna do? give in for while longer?



GWH, sooner or later you will really get clean weather you want to

or not. Do it with a handfull of benzo's, lots of l-tyrosine and

water. LOTS of exercise...

                         or

on the floor of a county jail, much to the amusement of the other

prisioners and guards...



Just keep doing the best you can and keep coming to this forum.

and keep an angel on your shoulder!!

kip

by OxyDout, Jan 04, 2002 12:00AM
To: skip
I wasn't quite sure how to take that post, however, I took it in a positive reinforcing manner, just because you have been that type of person, but I was just a little shaky on the interpretation, its hard to read how things are meant sometimes.  Anyway, I definitely appreciate your constant feedback and always being there, you really do help all of us.  As far as the question you asked, no I don't plan on dragging this out longer at all, I guess only time will tell.  Thanks again.  



GWH

by skipper, Jan 04, 2002 12:00AM
To: GWH
GWH:

sorry if i insulted you! i certainly wasn't thinking of that when

iwrote last post.

my point was "Sooner or later were all gonna come down off drugs

(one way or the other) my question was: how/where/when at home

with some benzo's, l-tyrosene, and the safety of your own home, or

on the floor of the county jail? see i've done both and you won't

find it hard to believe i'ld rather do it at home!

So i guess sooner or later we all come down off the substance of

our choice weather we chose to or not...

GWH, please do it at home and not the county jail!

need all ya'

keep an angel on your shoulders

kip

by OxyDout, Jan 04, 2002 12:00AM
To: skip
I pretty much figured that is what you meant, and trust me, I GREATLY appreciate all that you have done for me, and trust me, all though you may not think you have done much, you have been a great friend in my times of need.  Although I took that 20mg last night, I don't feel "tired" today, I'm actually very upbeat and into my work, I think its because I know I made the right decision.  And I have been spending my life in the gym, I'm getting on the right track, and I'm starting to realize that this is a process like you had mentioned.  I"m very much determined to get where I want to be and with your help I will get there.  Thanks again,



GWH

by Unwise, Jan 04, 2002 12:00AM
I wanted to post my own question today but the quota had been already met so I wound up at this thread after reading numerous others--and I think it's the right place.  I'll try to keep this simple: Three years ago I was placed in rehab/detox for addiction Vicodin and a lot of other pills (mostly soma and valium)that I used as "chasers."  The treatment didn't work, but when I tried to quit again by myself some months later, I suffered some gran mal seizures and that did the trick.  I was clean and happy for three years when I started again four months ago.  I will not go into details, except to say that I had no desire for it and did not seek it out, and that it was given to me by someone VERY close who is well aware of my problem.  In other words, someone who should have known better and who I cannot confide in now.  At first I said "No," but later I relented, took that first pill, and soon found myself right back in the same dark hole I was three years ago. I feel utterly worthless and ashamed of myself. I feel alone, that I cannot talk to anyone about my problem, which is why I am here.  Worse, I cannot and will not go through detox or see a shrink again because 1) it didn't work the first time, and 2) it made my sober life miserable in that the medical records came back to haunt me, i.e., I cannot get life insurance because of my rehab stint and the shrink's records which include mention of suicidal thoughts (as if any junky has never thought of taking that route out their living hell).  I have a young daughter who means everything to me, two jobs, a brand new house, and a yoke around my neck to try to stay out of debt even though I work my ass off and make a lot of money.  I cannot begin to tell you how much I regret taking that first pill again and how badly I want to go back to that moment in time and simply hand the damn pill back (something I had actually done before).  But no one has a magic wand or a time machine and I must deal with the problem at hand.  I want to quit.  And I know well the mantra of the doctor-moderated forums--see a professional.  I won't do that.  It did me absolutely no good before and actually made my life worse in that those medical records came back to haunt me.  So rehab or seeing a shrink are out of the question for me as I refuse to be penalized even further for trying to help myself in a professional manner.  If I did it on my own before, I can do it again, but I would prefer to do it this time without the seizures that almost killed me.  I keep reading about "The Recipe" and I know that Skipper mentioned having a handful of benzo's can be helpful...so what I want to know is what is the best way to taper off and mitigate the withdrawal as much as possible?  I don't expect a free ride or that it will be painless or easy, but I know that I can and will go back to being the person I was for the past three years, a person who was grateful to wake up every morning and not have to count my pills or wonder where I was going to score from next.  That is what I miss the most and I want it back so badly.  There is no other choice for me, because continuing to take the Vicodin can only lead to my life getting worse. Please, those of you who have been there and succeeded, please help me with your advice on how to quit this Vicodin habit on my own without killing myself in the process.  I desperately need your experience, your wisdom, and your support. Thank you.