Congratulations on another day down. You are an encouragement to all of us who are "younger" than you. I posted this somewhere below because I couldn't post as new, but I really want to keep sharing and venting and thanking you all.



I can't believe the intensity of the yearning I feel to wake up one day and not think, "oh no, am I going to make it today? I'm scared. Oh no, please don't let this day begin...."



But I got out of bed, took a shower, dealt with the chaos of a home packed with small childrenChild neglect and psychological abuse
Child safety seats
Child tylenol cold multi-symptom plus cough
School age child development, prayed with the familyBirth control and family planning
Choosing a primary care provider
Ewing’s sarcoma
Family troubles - resources, told my wife that I love her, put out the trash and drove away waiving furiously (a daily tradition) to my 2nd son as he sat doing the same on the front porch. I am ashamed not to be filled with utter gratitude for that routineRoutine sputum culture.



As I drove to work I broke down in a torrent of tearsTears again gel drops
Tears naturale
Tears plus. I was thinking about so many who depend on me to be their very source of ultimate security. I was thinking of their innocence and my darkness. I was telling God that I was sorry. And I felt in my heartCongenital heart disease
Cor pulmonale
Coronary heart disease
Cyanotic heart disease
Depression and heart disease
Heart attack
Heart attack first aid
Heart attack symptoms
Heart bypass surgery
Heart bypass surgery - series
Heart disease that He was not at all focused on the past, but was reassuring me about a beautiful future.



I need to be more productive at work and I just feel so paralyzed. I literally have had conversations that I've forgotten in which I've agreed to take certain actions, etc. And then I draw a total blank during a status check. I think I am very afraid to try to live up to my potential professionally. I've amassed a bunch of academic qualifications but now is the time to put them to use and I see myself recoiling from the challenge, almost bent on sabotaging the whole process.



At any rate I am glad not to be taking pills today. I'm glad that my thoughts are not drugChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension induced. I'm also glad that my emotions are not drugChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension induced. It's just that, they're intense and filled with melancholy sadness.



I'm so very grateful for you all. You have made these days bearable and have been the catalyst to get me to this third day of sobriety. I came here with a horrid pill habit. I am here today going through the painAbdominal pain
Abdominal pain diagnosis
Acupuncture and pain
Ankle pain
Anterior knee pain
Back pain - low
Bone pain or tenderness
Breast pain
Causes of painful intercourse
Chest pain
Chronic pain - resources of putting that habit aside. But these painsAbdominal pain
Abdominal pain diagnosis
Acupuncture and pain
Ankle pain
Anterior knee pain
Back pain - low
Bone pain or tenderness
Breast pain
Causes of painful intercourse
Chest pain
Chronic pain - resources are riches compared with the medicinal synthetic half-smiles of narcotica.



Thank you and please stay.



Sean







  

Congratulations!You are doing so well.You saved your life....with a little encouragement lol Day 6 was my best day.Things seemed to get easier after that.I still have days of feeling down and you will too,but that will improve also.You should be very proud of yourself.I can almost hear the joy and relief in your post.keep up the good work and enjoy this day..



pixi

Sean...your doing great!! I can emphathise ( spelling ) with you regarding the blanks thoughts at work....i really think it's because our minds were always thinking about that next pill...either where we're gonna get it or when we're gonna take it. Being consumed with something...hell no wonder i don't remember saying " Yeah i'll have it for you next Tuesday "...I'm thinking in my headHead and face reconstruction
Head injury
Head lice
Indications of head injury
Radial head injury..." lets see four a day, I run out next Monday...I gotta call the doc..." You know the routineRoutine sputum culture.



Through all these years of going to NA..AA..I always remember the time I was told to go home and get on my kneesAnterior cruciate ligament (acl) injury
Anterior knee pain
Bursa of the knee
Dermatitis, herpetiformis on the knee
Knee arthroscopy
Knee arthroscopy - series
Knee cap dislocation
Knee joint replacement
Knee joint replacement prosthesis
Knee pain
Meniscus tears and ask God for help...Ok....so I go home...and get on my kneesAnterior cruciate ligament (acl) injury
Anterior knee pain
Bursa of the knee
Dermatitis, herpetiformis on the knee
Knee arthroscopy
Knee arthroscopy - series
Knee cap dislocation
Knee joint replacement
Knee joint replacement prosthesis
Knee pain
Meniscus tears...BUT...I only have one kneeAnterior cruciate ligament (acl) injury
Anterior knee pain
Bursa of the knee
Dermatitis, herpetiformis on the knee
Knee arthroscopy
Knee arthroscopy - series
Knee cap dislocation
Knee joint replacement
Knee joint replacement prosthesis
Knee pain
Meniscus tears..I promptly fell over, hit my headHead and face reconstruction
Head injury
Head lice
Indications of head injury
Radial head injury and ended up with a blackBlack cohosh
Black draught
Black haw eyeAmblyopia
Blepharitis
Bloodshot eyes
Cataract - close-up of the eye
Color vision test
Conjunctivitis
Contact lens electrode on eye
Crossed eyes
Dry eyes
External and internal eye anatomy
Eye....I never even did that screwed up !!!  The only thing I found out about that is God has a sense of humor. No doubt about it.



I also think that the deep sense of guilt many of us experience, for one reason or the other, keeps us from reaching the potential professionaly....being afraid of success...thinking..." Gee...if they only knew...they wouldn't put me up here as an example of competence etc..."  i don't know the answer to your specific problems. i know that a book I read 8 years ago changed a few things for me..." Even Eagles Need a Push " by David MacNally is outstanding...very very very easy reading...a lot of positve quotes and one of the best books to give to teens and college kids....please consider at least going by a book store and LOOK at it...you will not be disappointed.



There is a quote I have on my bathroom mirror..." A man develops his greatest strength when he overcomes his greatest weaknessWeakness "





keep moving forward....you already know what lies behind.





we are here

Thank you so much! :)

Fester,



YOU SAVED YOUR LIFE. YOU FINALLY PUT YOURSELF 1ST. YOU FINALLY REALIZED YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Hello All:



  Day 10 here.  Don't feel as good as I did on day 8, but that's just because of yesterday's fluAmniocentesis
Atrial fibrillation/flutter
Cerebral spinal fluid (csf) collection
Culture - joint fluid (aspirate)
Fluorescein angiography
Flushable reagent stool blood test
Fta-abs
Gastroesophageal reflux disease
Gastroesophageal reflux in infants
Haemophilus influenza organism
Hiatal hernia repair.  I feel 100% better than on sickSick sinus syndrome-day 9.



  Sean, I can really relate to your posts.  I've got a great wife and 4 wonderful kids of my own.  I am viewed in the community, by friends, familyBirth control and family planning
Choosing a primary care provider
Ewing’s sarcoma
Family troubles - resources, etc., as being this superSuper calcium husband and father.  I was able to fufill most of my duties and "keep up appearances," etc. despite the hydroHydro par
Hydro-pc ii
Hydro-tussin dhc
Hydro-tussin exp use.  However, once it became a matter of constant use/looking/wd, there was no getting away from the voice within that would always ask "yea, well what would they think if they knew the whole truth?"  Between knowing that I wasn't livingAdvanced care directives up to the standards I supposedly set and worry that I and my familyBirth control and family planning
Choosing a primary care provider
Ewing’s sarcoma
Family troubles - resources would be subjected to intense shame, if not ruin, my hydroHydro par
Hydro-pc ii
Hydro-tussin dhc
Hydro-tussin exp use left me feeling grossly unworthy and worthless.



   I'm very grateful that I have everything out of my system now and that my mind has been returned to clarity.  But I'm still filled with remorse at what I did (for so long, and for so long after I KNEW it was so wrong)and worry that I could one day go backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment.



   I quit drinking for the last time more than 14 years ago.  Quitting drinking didn't "take" on the firstFirst progesterone mc10
First progesterone mc5
First-progesterone vgs 200
First-progesterone vgs 400 try or the second or the third.  It took when I had finally had it with how drinking was affecting my life and turning me into someone I didn't want to be - when I finally got to the point where I saw I was giving up very little and gaining very much.  I truly believe that I am FINALLY at that point with hydroHydro par
Hydro-pc ii
Hydro-tussin dhc
Hydro-tussin exp.  Up until now I've been seeing it as necessary to quit, but still a sacrifice -- still giving up a great deal -- still doing without something that I felt, deep within myself, I needed to be whole and happy.  



   What a fool I've been.  But, I suppose that if I was the type of person that recoginized and incoprporated the obvious when I should, I wouldn't have a substanceDrug abuse abuseAlcoholism
Chemical dependence - resources
Child abuse - physical
Child abuse - sexual
Child neglect and psychological abuse
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Family troubles - resources
Laxative overdose
Signs of drug abuse problem in the firstFirst progesterone mc10
First progesterone mc5
First-progesterone vgs 200
First-progesterone vgs 400 place.  



   BackBack pain - low
Back strain treatment to work....

It is uncanny how similar our situations are. You are so right when you talk about the two different kinds of quitting: the one that says, "I really should; this is bad. But man, I'm gonna really miss the benefits it gives me", and the one that goes, "Oh my God, what have I done? I've sold my birthright for dung and I'll do anything to get backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment to that tremendous gift of drugChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension-free livingAdvanced care directives!" I did the firstFirst progesterone mc10
First progesterone mc5
First-progesterone vgs 200
First-progesterone vgs 400 kind of quitting backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment in June. It lasted two weeks. I think today is the right kind though, the desperate kind, the kind where there are no warm thoughts of using, just a raunchy exposed lie.



I just got backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment from the clinic for my third buprenorphineBuprenorphine
Buprenorphine-naloxone dosage to get me to day 4. I drilled the nurse a little more regarding this program. She assures me that on day 6, I will feel like day 6 of cold turkey withdrawalDelirium tremens, that I won't have additional bup withdrawalDelirium tremens on top of that and that the bup doesn't postpone the opiate withdrawalDelirium tremens only to come crashing down on me once the bup is out of my system. Her words are reassuring, but it doesn't really matter; I will deal with whatever comes, even if I have to feign the fluAmniocentesis
Atrial fibrillation/flutter
Cerebral spinal fluid (csf) collection
Culture - joint fluid (aspirate)
Fluorescein angiography
Flushable reagent stool blood test
Fta-abs
Gastroesophageal reflux disease
Gastroesophageal reflux in infants
Haemophilus influenza organism
Hiatal hernia repair for a while...



Right now is hard enough, trying to keep up a front at home. At least at work I have convinced the people with whom I work that my malaise is a result of the periodic tweaking of my thyroidBrain-thyroid link
Child thyroid anatomy
Chronic thyroiditis (hashimoto’s disease)
Congenital hypothyroidism
Hashimoto's disease (chronic thyroiditis)
Hyperparathyroidism
Hyperthyroidism
Hypoparathyroidism
Hypothyroidism
Hypothyroidism - primary
Hypothyroidism - secondary medicationAllergic reactions to medication
Drug allergies
Drug-induced hypertension
Getting a prescription filled
Home pharmacy
Inhaler medication administration and that it will be over in 10-14 days. But my familyBirth control and family planning
Choosing a primary care provider
Ewing’s sarcoma
Family troubles - resources-- to them I must put up the show. A wife who depends deeply on me (her pregnancyAdolescent pregnancy
Early weeks of pregnancy
Ectopic pregnancy
Fetal alcohol syndrome
First trimester of pregnancy
Gestational diabetes
Hydatidiform mole
Hyperemesis gravidarum
Melasma
Preeclampsia
Pregnancy - health risks is incapacitating) and four childrenChild neglect and psychological abuse
Child safety seats
Child tylenol cold multi-symptom plus cough
School age child development who need me to really be a daddy-- these have no understanding or tolerance for withdrawalDelirium tremens symptoms.



You all can't know how much I appreciate your being here. Thank you a million times over,



Sean

Hey Bill,

   I havent heard from you yet today. I hope your 49th day is going well for you! If anybody here should be proud of anything, its you man. Congrats!



I was thinking today, What am I going to be like on my 49th day? I had the perfectPerfect choice anwser. I knew exactly. I was going to be DRUGChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension-FREE! And that was enough for me. I know that if I wouldnt have had the strength to come to this forum, I would probably not have made it this far.



Cincee, hippy, sean, pixi, moxy-oxy, and all others. Thank you.



Festertool

Ok.. how do I taper if im obsessiveObsessive-compulsive disorder
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder compulsive type.  Its here and so accessible.  Wut do u guys suggest?  Wut has worked for u?

Thx,

Suzie

I wish I could taper. That's why I came to this site.. to learn how. But if I have drugsChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension, I use them... I wish it was easy!



Frank

ObsessiveObsessive-compulsive disorder
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder/compulsive = CTAbdominal ct scan
Ascites with ovarian cancer, ct scan
Bronchial cancer - ct scan
Cholecystitis, ct scan
Cranial ct scan
Ct scan
Ct scan of the brain
Hemangioma - ct scan
Hepatocellular cancer, ct scan
Intracerebellar hemorrhage - ct scan
Kidney and liver cysts - ct scan



Just my humble opinion.

Chezz

It's so tough to come to terms with it, but for most of us, tapering is just not an option. I tried twiceTwice-a-day in the last two months and not only did I fail, I wound up using three times more than my previous habit. I heard people tell me what I'm saying to you. And truthfully, I dismissed their protestations, because, frankly, I had made up my mind that I was going to taper, and after all, I am me.



The best thing I did is took the advice of someone with whom I'd been in contactContact dermatitis on these boards and started to make phone calls regarding detox programs. It had to be outpatient, and it had to meet well with my daily routineRoutine sputum culture. I had to make a few calls. Many places told me that their programs were for a minimum of 6 months on methadone (I've only been using for 8 months, I thought to myself. And methadone is addicting as well over the long term). But I found what I think is a good solution at a good little clinic.



The point in all of this is, you may want to cutCuts and puncture wounds to the chase, assume it's cold turkey or a medically supervised detox, and make your plans accordingly. Just know that there is something driving you to put your addictionDrug abuse and dependence far behind you, that is working toward your ultimate best interests. Please know that we are here to support you (Lord knows, I've lived so many ups and downs on these boards over the last couple of months, and the people here have been more than gracious. They've truly been part of the fuel that has propelled me to get to this third day of sobriety and they continue to support me during these very difficult times). And they will do the same for you. When you're ready.



Keep posting, Susie.



Sean

Thanks for the thought today.And you are right about your 49th day.You will be drugChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension free.You have come along way and just think of the possibilities being straight can afford you.Physically and mentally.Once again thanks and be straight.

                               bmac

Chezz.. excuse my ignorance but what is CTAbdominal ct scan
Ascites with ovarian cancer, ct scan
Bronchial cancer - ct scan
Cholecystitis, ct scan
Cranial ct scan
Ct scan
Ct scan of the brain
Hemangioma - ct scan
Hepatocellular cancer, ct scan
Intracerebellar hemorrhage - ct scan
Kidney and liver cysts - ct scan?

Sezn, ty hon.  I know you're prolly right.  Anyway I just wanted some ideas to see if there was a possibility to try em out. Afterall anything is worth a shot.

Thx,

Suzie

The big Cold Turkey.



I don't like dragging **** out. But I don't have the w/d's like most people.

My doc said that it is because the meds are "used up" by the painAbdominal pain
Abdominal pain diagnosis
Acupuncture and pain
Ankle pain
Anterior knee pain
Back pain - low
Bone pain or tenderness
Breast pain
Causes of painful intercourse
Chest pain
Chronic pain - resources. Either way I don't know.

I have had them in the past, I just didn't know that is what they were.

Good luck though. You can do it either way.

Chezz



PS I know why you are REALLY quiting. You heard about the "sexualCauses of sexual dysfunction
Erection problems
Female sexual dysfunction
Sexual problems overview side effects". Huh   ;0

I know this is way off topic. But Its slow and I want to find some music.



Does anybody know of a good site that has FREE mp3's without having to do a bunch of **** to get them.

I have about 20gigs already. I am just trying to find more.



I am on DSL.

Plus it slooowwwwww.



Thanks,

Chezz

The ONLY way I was able to taper was to give my supply to my brother, who I could trust to a) keep them (w/o using them himself); and b) give them back<