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Day 30 -- Open Forum
by CATUF, Oct 29, 2002 12:00AM
Good morning all:
I finally made it to day 30. It was on this day back in March that I failed when a "friend" called up with what could have been considered a regular order. At first I said (forced myself to say)"no thanks," but it didn't require much of a guilt-trip to turn me around "for his sake" (as he said he had gone out on a limb to get it reserved for me . . .). That resulted in a run through early-June, when I went 27 days after a week-long taper while on vacation only to slide for more-or-less the same reason.
Something changed inside me since the last fall from grace. I have finally quit because deep in my heart I really want to quit (as opposed to simply knowing that I should) and I now truly believe that there is no such thing as limiting my use to some "safe level" - I know it's all or nothing.
CATUF
I finally made it to day 30. It was on this day back in March that I failed when a "friend" called up with what could have been considered a regular order. At first I said (forced myself to say)"no thanks," but it didn't require much of a guilt-trip to turn me around "for his sake" (as he said he had gone out on a limb to get it reserved for me . . .). That resulted in a run through early-June, when I went 27 days after a week-long taper while on vacation only to slide for more-or-less the same reason.
Something changed inside me since the last fall from grace. I have finally quit because deep in my heart I really want to quit (as opposed to simply knowing that I should) and I now truly believe that there is no such thing as limiting my use to some "safe level" - I know it's all or nothing.
CATUF
pixi
I just know that if I fall off the wagon that the next time I decide to kick it that it will be even worse. That thought and this forum keeps me on track.
Keep up the great recovery Catuf.
Hugs
Star
starraven, I haven't had as much trouble this time with the hydro "calling" to me. That's been a major problem in the past and I've often accepted the invitation, telling myself "I just want to feel really good today & (now that I know of the problem) I won't let it get out of hand." Sometimes I even did that, getting just enough to have one "fun" evening and then not taking any the next day or for upto a week thereafter. Of course, that lead to the idea that once-in-a-while was indeed OK, that I "could handle it now." But all too soon that lead to needing a bit the next day too (just to take the edge off because I was up until 3 and back up at 6), which lead to some more the next day, which soon had me back in an unending binge.
I've just done that too many times now -- I'm just plain sick of it. I still have these "flash-whispers," where as if from nowhere the notion that "a bit of hydro would really hit the spot about now"; but more than ever before, I see those whispers (and the hydro itself) as the insedious lies that they are.
I believe it was pixi who wrote back around 10/5/02 "thoses hydros are still calling my name." I don't know why it hit me then, but it did and like a ton of bricks. It was like some sort of epiphany and for the first time in more than 25 years I
thought of some Greek lit. that I had pretty much ignored back in high school. I printed out the warning about the Seirenes from Homer's Odyssey and that's the page on which I keep track of my days -- just so I'd remind myself everyday that whispers may come, but they call me to nothing but my own down fall, perhaps my own death.
“You will come to the Seirenes first of all; they bewitch any mortal who approaches them. If a man in ignorance draws too close and catches their music, he will never return to fine wife and little children near him and to see their joy at his homecoming; the high clear tones of the Seirenes will
bewitch him. They sit in a meadow; men’s corpses lie heaped up all round them, mouldering upon the bones as the skin decays.”
It's amazing to me that such a fitting analogy to the dangers of our whispers was written almost 3,000 years ago.
CATUF
This is my first time experiencing the "whispers". I just don't understand why they are haunting me so now. Like I said previously, the last two times going Cold Turkey did not include these thoughts of mine and I was back to my normal self in little over a week, going out, enjoying my clear thinking out of the haze of narcotics. Really frustrating. Wondering what in the world I did to my brain this time around. I went from Lortab, then I was put on Percocet and then down to Darvocet. I wonder if it is the change in the medications from just one narcotic for a period of time to several different types that might have caused this. Seems like I have stopped doing the things that I used to enjoy and I am 29 days clean!!
Whatever the case, I will try to stay strong and fight those whispers. Hoping that soon they will cease to exsist.
Thanks so much for your post! Helps alot
Hugs,
Star
Catuf - congratuations! That is such a huge accomplishment. I really related to your comments about "whispering" too. The Seirenes' music called to the sailors and entranced them...the sailors never had a prayer of escape, because it was never a choice for them. The hydros calling us is enticing as well, however, we have a choice to say no. So I guess we're better off taking our chances with the hydros eh? I lOVE Greek mythology.
Seriously, 30 days clean is amazing. Although I stopped with the hyrdos, perc etc., last April, I cannot claim any real "clean" time as I am still taking Buprenex. I haven't had any highs since April, but I can't mark the clean time off on my calendar...I have to say I envy those, like you, who can. Did you start with the hydros because of chronic pain?
Also, can you tell me how you feel being 30 days clean...emotionally and physically? I've been told it takes a good month to really feel "normal" again.
Anyway, now I'm off the Hydro's jand am glad I got it over with. Those of you who are considering going to Detox, I strongly recommend it..It's not as bad as you think. I actually WANTED to stay longer! It was so worth it to tough it out and go to the hospital for help.
Peace
I got addicted to Narcs after getting bupenorphene (sp?) from a buddy going through a trial detox. They gave him so much he gave me 4-8 mg a day for a year. I got addicted to the stuff and took 4-8 a day every day. Very stable med. My life was pain free and very stable as you take it 1x a day. I loved the stuff really. When that ran out I went to morphine tablets and took 4-7 100mg tabs a day. That lasted 6 months and then I wanted to quit. Tried darvs and clonadine and clonapine. Clonapin made my back hurt soooooo bad. Anyways, very very hard time going from that dose of morphine daily to detox. Went to 6-8 lortabs a day and still suffered while trying to be dad and boyfriend. tHE LORTABS barely helped.
Ended up in a methadone clinic because I felt hopeless and hydro was too short acting and unstable for life.Started on 35-45 mg a day and tapered over a year to 5-7 mg a day. Well...........when I went off the 7mg a day I took ativan and clonadine (clonadine is a great med for RLS)and anxiety) for a week and thought I was home free. I did this for one week and when the ativan Rx was up, within 48 hours I was in the WD's bad. Bad brain **** and bad lower back pain. I went one more week just on clonadine and just could not take the lower back pain. I dont have herniated discs or anything. Went to a doc and got hydro.
IS BACK PAIN A SYMPTOM Of WD?????????????????????
After 13 days off the Methadone, with the one week on ativan and clonadine I still had bad mental haze and bad back pain and immsonia. I got Norco (10/325)and am trying to tox off using that. Methadone sucks you guys. Done Bup and Methadone. Hard WD's.
METHADONE (DOLAPHINE) WAS CREATED BY Adolf Hitler AS A SYNTHETIC DRUG REPLACEMENT FOR MORPHINE FOR HIS ARMY and named after him. Irony of Evil. It is the hardest Drug to WD from even at the doses I was on. Heard it is harder than heroin. BEWARE AND BE CAREFUL BEFORE YOU GO ON METHADONE maint., IT IS SUPER STRONG AND VERY HARD TO RECOVER FROM. I WOULD SAY THAT 5-7MG OF METH IS THE SAME AS ABOUT 5 LORTAB 10'S, FYI!!
SINCE THE BACK PAIN IS THE VERY WORST PART OF MY LIFE AND DRIVING ME TO USE NARCS, advil and nsaid's don't work for me...................IS THIS A SYMPTOM AND HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GO AWAY??? i'VE HAD IT NOW FOR 14 DAYS AND TAKE 1-3 nORCO A DAY WITH A PLANNED TAPER TO 1 NORCO A DAY THEN NONE.
I AM SO SCARED ABOUT THE WD'S with the back pain. THE BRAIN **** AND BACK PAIN WHICH I CAN'T HANDLE. I RUN A 20 MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY AND HAVE 2 YOUNG KIDS. I DON'T WANT TO BE ON NARC MY WHOLE LIFE. I ABUSE THEM AT TIMES AND TAKE 6-8 A DAY AT TIMES.
PLEASE help. My direct e-mail is ***@****. Post or e-mail me
I never had much in the way of chronic pain. I had a facial injury (blowout fracture of my left eye) and they put me on some pretty good stuff. I took it as prescribed, but it made me feel WONDERFUL & I LOVED it. I don't know why I took such a liking to it -- I'd had opiates in the past and didn't really care for them too much. Hell, I had one bottle of Lortab in 1990 following an operation where I never got the refill & the original of 20 or 30 lasted for 2 years.
In any event, this time was different - I had found a friend. AND, it was the "perfect" drug -- no downside at all that I saw -- it made me happy, sociable, feel great, work hard -- AND NO ONE COULD TELL. Or at least that's the way it was when I ran into a few every once in a while. I went for basically 4 years using low amounts when ever I came across them. If I ran out it was no big deal -- I didn't feel bad AT ALL and I didn't crave them: I simply kept my eyes open as one might for a rare but favored resturant. I can recall knowing that I'd have some in 3 or 4 weeks and looking forward to having them in what I would now have to consider a normal manner -- I was pleased that I'd have them and would look forward to the day, but it didn't occupy my mind as it later would when I was just a few hours away from MANY time the quantity.
In the spring of 2000 I found a somewhat regular supply and things started to get out of control. I wish I had listened to the warning bells in my head back then, because in retrospect I see I could have relatively easily quit then. In 2001 I found more and more supplies and things really went down hill - I went into full blow addiction. My tolerance went through the roof and I started having all the problems that we all talk about in here.
Here 30 days out I'd say I feel pretty normal again physically & mentally. I need to pay a lot of attention to the basic things, which I tend to ignore (eating, sleeping, exercise). However, if I do that, I not only feel OK I actually feel GOOD -- even GREAT at times. Still, what I've done to myself, how close I came to ruining everything, what I'm getting over, and the trap I know is waiting for me around any (if not every) corner, continues to be the primary thing on my mind.
CATUF