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MedHelp Member's Question

Weekends without drugs

by Sundown, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
Tags: Addiction
My first time starting a question here. I posted on some threads below, so I won't repeat myself. My question is, do you have more trouble on week days or weekends. For me, during the week I can concentrate on work and feel pretty well. On the weekends though, when I feel I don't have anything to "do", I remember losing myself in a drugged haze to get through the isolation. While I'm now 26 days clean, I feel more of a pull when I'm sitting around with nothing to do. Do others feel the same? And how do you handle it.



I know we all have our own "triggers", but for me the downtime of weekends is difficult. I could try to just spend more time working ( I'm building a new business after losing my last one from my drug abuse) but somehow I feel I would be substituting one addiction for another. How do you learn to be alone and feel at peace? While I do feel the best I've ever felt in years thanks to stopping the vikes and getting real treatment for my depression, after being islolated for so long I feel like I've lost my ability to engage life outside of work. Any suggestions would really be appreciated.



Thanks to all of you

Sundown
Member Comments (81)

by Bodymechanic, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: Any suggestions are welcome
I am glad all of you feel so good when your off drugs but I sure as hell don't. I'm always tired, I ache all over and I can never sleep. I am generally apathetic with no motivation and sometimes can be a pain in the ass to people. These are classic syptoms of depression and I know that. I don't mean being off drugs for a few weeks, I mean being off for years at a time. It is always the pain and the general fatigue that drives me back to the opiates. I truely feel better on them. The head fog clears, I can sleep and I have motivation to help others which is my job. I mean in low doses of say 5-10 mg a day of hydro. If I did not abuse them, which of course I always do, I would be fine.



I have been reading in the psychiatric literate about numerous cases of depression related to depletion of endogenous endorpines (just a theory). In fact it has been a topic of debate in the profession for a long time.  Did you know that since the early 70s it has been know that low doses of bupenorpine .2 mg can work wonders for many previously resistant depression cases.  I am will to bet that these cases are in the hundreds of thousands.  There is a reason besides just plain old "hey lets get high" that people are so depressed that they are killing one another over these drugs. I can't help but wonder if that is what is wrong with me. The usual antidepressants usually make me much worse. I'm sure I can go on forever like this but the quality of my life inside myself is not nearly what it could be. I also think I could help a lot more people if I didn't always feel boarderline shitty all the time. Yes, I found God a long time ago.



Where is this doctor that is suppose to be here anyway? I am starting to wonder if I will ever be able to get the help I need. As you all know, just mention the word recovering addict and you are an immediate outcast.



Peace



"I am not an animal, I am a human being"

(John Merrick) The Elephant Man

by Bodymechanic, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: Sundown
I did not mean to upstage your post but this is something I have been needing to talk about for a long time and I can never post a question.



"Hobbies, lots of hobbies, they keep you off dope"

(Actor Robert Duvall)



Peace

by DubeMechanic, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: sundown


Hobbies generally occupy my time during weekends. Reading, radio controlled models, Very Loud Music, computers (building and modifying, not just using) all take up the slack when Im not working.



As for being alone, I have no prob with that. Ill visit friends when  I want but Im not a big social person.



DM

by Sundown, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: bodymechanic
As one who has been depressed for many years, I relate to what you're describing. Yes, opiates seem to make the depression "better", but it really is false. Definitely get treatment for your depression. I too have treatment resistant depression, and it took a new psychopharmacologist to finally help me find the right combination of medications for me. I had really given up hope of meds ever working and was even considering ECT (shock therapy). now, over the last month I finally have a combo that WORKS. Everyone's brain chemistry is different, and you need to find a really competant doctor who is willing to try for a really efective treatment for you. My current medications are experimental in that not actually proven for severe depression, but very recent studies supported their use in 50% of people who failed convetional therapy. Thank god, I seem to be in that 50%. It was a risk to try meds which have been used in few people, but it was worth it faced with the alternatives.



Don't give up hope. Find a good psychopharmacologist to work with. There are answers out there, and you don't need to self medicate with opiates to find relief. A month ago I would not believe the statements I just wrote, but the proof is in how I feel, and the fact that life seems worth living.



Sundown

by beenthere2, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: sundown § bodymechanic
Is there anything that makes you happy?  When I say that, I mean something or someplace that makes you feel good? (besides "high")  Start small, and build up from there.  Dont worry about substituting one addiction for another right now- you have to do whatever it takes to bring joy into your life right now.

by groovygirl, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: Sundown
How do you learn to be alone and at peace?  THAT is a question so many struggle with.  My husband doesn't understand how I do it so well...he doesn't have that need to be alone, so he takes it personally when I say it.



I have always felt at peace by myself.  Sometimes, I force myself to be social...I prefer solitude.  Maybe it's a bad thing...I'm not sure.  However, I know so many people who would rather die than spend a weekend (or an hour) alone.



Meditation and yoga are great ways to wind down.  It's hard to be alone with thoughts racing through your head...much easier when your mind is clear.  Discover hobbies that you can only do alone.  



Rent a movie that you love.  I like to light candles, put on something comfortable and just chill watching a movie. I don't get to do that often, so when I do I really enjoy it.



Learn to bake....just learn something new that you've always wanted to do and let yourself really get into it.  Reading is my thing, so I can get lost for hours in a good book



We have a daughter, so alone time isn't always easy to find...do you have a family?  I hope you can learn to cherish the time alone with yourself...good luck.

by athena, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: sundown
Good morning and welcome.Your posts will really help people that are wondering what life without drugs will be like.About the weekend boredom,what kinds of things are you interested in?

When I started using hydro,I isolated myself from family and friends.I loved being alone.now I find the need to Get A Life!lol I have thought about everything from going bowling to rollerskating.Anything to meet others.I think someone told you to start out small.Choose one thing you may enjoy and go for it.At least it will kill a little time.Good luck.



pixi

by groovygirl, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: sundown
Hi - I have looked for a pharmacologist in my area (Boston), but there are slim pickings here.



What medications are you on?  I feel that I am treatment resistant also.  I have tried so many meds.

by Sundown, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: mariposa
Did you try calling McLean hospital for a referral? It is an excellent hospital with superb doctors on staff. I am currently on imipramine, remeron, and lamictal for augmentation. I have been on klonapin for anxiety but since starting on this combo my need for klonapin has dropped dramatically.



The use of lamictal is very new for depression. It has been used for bipolar, and is known to have antideppresant properties. It also seems to have anti-anxiety properties. While not yet accepted for unipolar depression, two recent medical studies showed some promise, which is how I ended up on it.



Good luck finding a good doctor. It took me a long time to find one who would listen to me and be willing to be aggresive at treatment.



Sundown

by Sundown, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: To all
Thanks for your advice on trying to develop activites. It's just been so long since I felt like doing anything that it's hard to know where to start. I commited myself to getting out and trying to do something rather than sitting around the house. I'll let you know how it goes.



Sundown

by hellbent, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: sundown/body
I spent 4 years basically on the couch, or the computer, spending all my money procuring drugs and all my time taking them. I went through an extended detox, but when I was finally able to get out of bed, I had to create a whole new life from scratch.



I started going to aa/na metings. It sucked unbelievably at first. I looked terrible, felt terrible, was shaking, smelled, etc.. I hadn't been around people in years, and here I was surrounded by them and there were even chicks there, and I looked like an lsd test subject. My ego was hurting.



5 mos later, I have a new group of friends, have an excellent tech. job working with a guy I met in the program. I have lost 55lbs, look great, am playing sports again, etc...



The void that the drugs left in my life had to be filled. If I sat around trying to have the life I had before without taking drugs, I wouldn't have made it. Sitting around my apartment is a huge trigger. Just spending a few hours alone sometime gets me in trouble: I feel irritable and feel a dark film come over me.



During the week, I get up at 6:30 and get home around 10PM. I work, I go to meetings, I work out. My depression was acute for awhile: 5 years on heavy opiates severely screws endorphin production. I put my head down and lifted weights and got them going again. What is maybe more important, for me, in escaping depression, is not to be alone and trapped in my head. Nothing makes me more depressed than being alone and thinking about myself. That depresses anyone. I haven't been depressed in a long time, and I am sure that my endorphins aren't firing all cylinders even now: depression for me is relative to how much time I spend in isolation. When I am hanging with freends and getting real, it just doesn't happen.

by groovygirl, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: sundown - Everyone
Some have written about exactly the reasons to try to be comfortable being alone.  For many, being alone with free time means trouble.  To be totally free, for me, means being comfortable with myself...not in isolation by in solitude.  There is a difference.  If you feel isolated while you are alone, then it is unhealthy.  Solitude is a peaceful feeling...a healthy, warm glow within yourself that tells you you are OK.  Many people race around going to work, gym, errands...ANYTHING to keep themselves from thinking too much.  That is escaping to me.  I think that is why a lot of people are so stressed, tired and have addiction in the first place.  Free time is so valuable in this crazy world...it is rare and should be cherished.  Try to spend a few minutes just walking around in the woods...look at the leaves changing color, feel the wind and listen to the silence, try to clear your thoughts and just be.  John Lennon said it best when he said something like "life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans."  So true....

by hellbent, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
I absolutely love solitude, don't get me wrong. The warm, joyous glow I get is chewing an OC 80 when the rain is coming down, starting a fire and reveling in the fact that I don't have to deal with anyone or anything, except maybe my girlfriend and my dog.



Execept, going down that road eventually almost killed me dead, and it took everything valuable in my life away.



So, today, I do that which is not easy. I put myself out in the world, help addicts, show up, and always try to do the next right thing in front of me. It's the only way that keeps me free from the compulsion to use again. Isolation and escape are my natural inclinations, and as such I need to try to contradict them whenever I can.

by Starraven, Nov 02, 2002 12:00AM
To: BodyMechanic
Wow, Your post hit so close to home.  I know exactly how you feel. Until last year I was not on pain