Very intense post.  I am facing right now what you speak of.  Waiting for who know s wut to get me going with this getting off this ****!   I have so many excuses in the book to hold off.  My painAbdominal pain
Abdominal pain diagnosis
Acupuncture and pain
Ankle pain
Anterior knee pain
Back pain - low
Bone pain or tenderness
Breast pain
Causes of painful intercourse
Chest pain
Chronic pain - resources, my divorce, my availability of my drugChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension of choice, etc.  This is my last script so I say i will do it when i run out.  But waiting til then is not a choice it is a neccessity which doesnt feel as good as doing it on my own before i had to!  Oh well i gues as long as i do it that is what counts.  But i do not know wut i am waiting for!

Thx for the  inspiration!

Peace to your world...

Suzie

This is an excellent example of the destructive natureNatures tears of addictionDrug abuse and dependence.  AddictionDrug abuse and dependence makes us lie to ourselves and to those we love the most.  AddictionDrug abuse and dependence makes us hurt the people for whom we would give our lives in order to protect.  It is better said this way:  We don't have our addictionsDrug abuse and dependence, our addictionsDrug abuse and dependence have us. "I'll start cutting backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment next time" is the classic lie addicts tell themselves.  The amount of love your wife and mother had for you was made evident in the fact that they were talking about what to do for you.  Let that be a message to those addicts who resent having their loved ones talking about their destructive behaviorAutistic behavior
Behavior - unusual or strange
Bulimia
Hyperactivity
Suicide and suicidal behavior
Temper tantrums:  It isn't because they don't like you anymore or because they think less of you; it is because they LOVE you so much that they will do WHATEVER it takes to help you, and they just need to know what that is.  Accept the help being offered, WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

We all have infinite excuses Suzie.

I just hope YOU and/or others don't have to feel the painAbdominal pain
Abdominal pain diagnosis
Acupuncture and pain
Ankle pain
Anterior knee pain
Back pain - low
Bone pain or tenderness
Breast pain
Causes of painful intercourse
Chest pain
Chronic pain - resources that my procrastinating cost me. I think about it every single day!

And you are right, use what ever reason you want....just do it. Please.

Peace to YOU!

Percs No More

I hope you don't beat yourself up too much. AddictionDrug abuse and dependence is a disease. Moreover, whenever a loved one dies, I think that everyone feels that there was much left unsaid. Staying clean and livingAdvanced care directives a decent life will be mean more to her memoryMemory loss
Mental status tests than anything you could have said.



God, I do know what you are talking about regarding the wild-ass mood swings on opiates. We used to call it "pill rage". I remember when my only activity for the day was walking to the grocery store, and just doing that was a traumaticAmputation - traumatic
Post-traumatic stress disorder, rage-filled venture. If there was a line at the checkstand, I'd sit there and simmer. I couldn't believe that these idiot people were slowing me down! I had to get home and take more drugsChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension and watch another movie! Incredibly selfish thinking, but that's parUveitis fo the couse for many of us when we are using.

I, like you, for months kept telling myself that I was going to taper off with my next script.  I actually kept increasing my intake of oxys to the point where I got up to 200mg a day at times.  I'd say I averaged about 140mg for the past couple of months.  I week ago today I headed into work which is about a 30 minute drive for me.  I made it all the way to my office when I suddenly just broke down.  I'm still not sure exactly what hit me.  I also waited in the morning until I got into work before I would snort my firstFirst progesterone mc10
First progesterone mc5
First-progesterone vgs 200
First-progesterone vgs 400 pill.  For some reason last monday that thought just destroyed me.  It just hit me hard--what the hell am I doing.  I had become so unmotivated in life.  I used to train my animals daily.  I was now finding it hard to even get them out on walks.  My poor wife.  She had no idea.  But I had no drive to be intimate with her and she could not understand why.  Anyway, I broke down in sobbing tearsTears again gel drops
Tears naturale
Tears plus as I approached my office in my car.  I turned around and started driving backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment home.  I called my wife I told her the shocking news that I was addicted to oxys and that I had decided to check myself in for detox.



I went in to the hospital that day and detoxed using klonodine (sp?), somasPolycystic kidney disease
Somatization disorder
Somatoform pain disorder and immodium (and librium (sp?) for the anxietyGeneralized anxiety disorder
Separation anxiety
Stress and anxiety.  It was hellish particularly on Wednesday and Thursday.  I never felt like quiting but I sure felt like dying.  I am 7 days clean now and I still feel pretty much like sh*$t.  However, I also feel great because I feel FREE.  For the firstFirst progesterone mc10
First progesterone mc5
First-progesterone vgs 200
First-progesterone vgs 400 time in about 8 months I am not constantly chasing that elusive high.  I have a really good outpatient therapy program set up.  I pray to God I can stay strong.  One thing I heard while in a group meeting at the hospital that hit me hard was that because addictionDrug abuse and dependence is a disease )(in fact, a life threatening disease) we should treat it with the same seriousness and take the same steps we would take as if we had been diagnosed with cancerAcute lymphocytic leukemia (all)
Ascites with ovarian cancer, ct scan
Basal cell cancer
Basal cell carcinoma
Bladder cancer
Breast cancer
Breast lumps and cancer
Bronchial cancer - chest x-ray
Bronchial cancer - ct scan
Cancer
Cancer - penis.



I began taking the oxys for my backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment problems.  They are still here and I still hurt like hell.  But I am determined to find a way to deal with the painAbdominal pain
Abdominal pain diagnosis
Acupuncture and pain
Ankle pain
Anterior knee pain
Back pain - low
Bone pain or tenderness
Breast pain
Causes of painful intercourse
Chest pain
Chronic pain - resources that does not involve pills.  Perhaps many at this forum do not have the luxury of checking into a hospital for a week to accomplish a detox.  I consider myself very lucky.  But I wish everyone the best in their battle.



Like percsnomas said in his post, the time is now.  Even if it is just a small step in the right direction.  Life is better when the addictionDrug abuse and dependence is controlled.  I have a long road ahead of me and frankly I am scared to deathDiscussing death with children
Gangrene
Liver cell death
Loss of a child - resources
Sudden infant death syndrome.  But I now have a taste of what being backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment to reality feels like and I can say it really feels great!



Thank you to all that have posted your thoughts, experiences and encouragement at this forum.  I have been reading posts here daily for over 2 months now.

Congratulatons!  I am so proud of you.  I envy you!  One day i will also be where u are.  You have made it thru the toughest time as i have been told.

Peace and strenght to you!

Suzie

Hellbent: I'm working on the "punishing me" part.

Tomorrow will be 3(THREE...Yeha) months off, and as you said Staying Clean will mean more to her memoryMemory loss
Mental status tests...so I remain determined to Stay in RecoveryRecovery position - series.



1Day: Congrats on Day7(however it came about....probably just the sickSick sinus syndrome and tired of being sickSick sinus syndrome and tired feeling).

Please hang in there....my backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment killed for the firstFirst progesterone mc10
First progesterone mc5
First-progesterone vgs 200
First-progesterone vgs 400 couple weeks(and just generally felt like ****), but i have to tell you, it gets better.

You've come soooooo far. Stay Tough

In my case I am not procrastinating.  I am desperately looking for help with a problem which has plagued me for my entire life. What bothers me the most is that the help is available but is so hard to find. I have recently gotten a leadLead poisoning that may end my long search for buprenx. Buprenex has been available in Europe for over 10 years.  Here in America we like to torment our addicts. I am not expecting this to be the "magic pill" that will solve all of the problems in my life. I do expect it will help.  



I think the people who do procrastinate either don't want to stop using or they have tried to get off and failed so many times that they need to look for another solution.



Peace

i agree with you, bodymech.  i think most folks just do what they feel like they need to do to get by.  it's miserable, and i'm not making excuses for my mistakes, but sometimes painAbdominal pain
Abdominal pain diagnosis
Acupuncture and pain
Ankle pain
Anterior knee pain
Back pain - low
Bone pain or tenderness
Breast pain
Causes of painful intercourse
Chest pain
Chronic pain - resources is unbearable without a pill.  i think alot of drugsChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension are politically controlled, anyway.  that may sound nuts, but i think drugsChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension and medicines are controlled by the government.  it's just another thing they can get their handsHand or foot spasms
Hand tremor into.  i think if the media didn't take things and portray them the way they do, most of our country wouldn't think the same about it.  i saw last night on tv were they've spent billions upon billions in the war against pot. guess i'm rambling....i just think sometimes we give ourselves hell and a lot of the time, it's not as bad as it seems.  what's it like in other countries?  are the same drugsChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension controlled?

Your breakdown sounds familiar. I broke down all the time when I was on OC's. I'd have terrible nightmares and wake up in tearsTears again gel drops
Tears naturale
Tears plus. The stuff fucks with your soul on a real base level, killing your spirit, throwing your mind soul and spitit into chaos. I was fine when I was addicted to vikes. Once I went over several huindred mgs of Oxy a day, I got totally out of whack.



I don't know how many times I tried to stop, maybe 40. I meant it every time, but I just couldn't stop. I went up to 800mgs of oxy a day, and couldn't even slow down for any period of time. It was damn hopeless. It wasn't "procrastination", it was severe addcition and I couldn't get out, no matter how I tried.



I had to almost become homeless and almost die on the toilet like Elvis before I was low enough to start getting out. I simply couldn't afford to keep spending 150 bucks a day, and was going to lose my apt. and end up on the streets.



It's a miracle when someone gets 7 days clean from any opiate habit, much less a sizeable OC habit. Whatever you did to get to where you are, keep doing it

You will never know what your post has done to me.I have been putting off so much since August.Not any more.Today is the day,no BS no waiting no more it will get better.

No one is going to change my life except me.

I just hope the familyBirth control and family planning
Choosing a primary care provider
Ewing’s sarcoma
Family troubles - resources can handle it.But one thing is for sure,It won't be on my mind ant longer.

        Thanks

For me today is that day!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you saying you found a doc willing to prescribe bup?  Or, are you moving to Europe?  I doubt it's the latter.



Where in the country to you live...I live in MA and finally convinced my doctor to prescribe it.  I also know of some clinics in various parts of the country.  



If you still think you might want to look around, I could possibly help you.  Bup is a Schedule 5 narcoticDrug abuse...it is almost an over-the-counter med in different parts of the world.  That will be changing with the Subutex to a Schedule 3



Anyhow, let me know if you'd like some info.

hi buddy: real proud to see today was the day you were going to

get off this junk, i took 1 oxy' this morning, spent a few hrs cleaning my yard of leaves, came backBack pain - low
Back strain treatment inside, not planning on taking another one, but just felt so bad, i took 2 more. maybe next time. but be assured i will be praying, and pulling for you. keep in touch. good luck.

                                 lee.

Thanks to all for the encouraging posts.  My detox doctor said that the detox process is actually the easiest part in the long run.  Staying clean is the hard part.  I don't really crave the pills right now.  But I think about them and I even dream about them.  I try really hard not to dwell on them.  I think what finally pushed me over the edge to get clean was that my habit was steadily increasing and it was costing me nearly $1800 a month (and thats with a prescription of 60mg a day).  I remember thinking to myself that this is what the rest of my life will be.  I will use these pills until I die.  The problem was that I was having a harder time getting "high".  I was basically using the last couple of months just so I wouldn't feel like ****.  For some unknown reason to me, I started to recognize what I might lose.  Better stated--what I WOULD lose if I kept on my same path.  I tried to quit cold turkey one time and got so sickSick sinus syndrome within 24 hours that I gave up.  That experience scared the **** out of me.  I realized at that moment that I was powerless in my current condition to get off the oxys.  Despite the experience I still continued to use the high amount I had been using before.  But I was getting really scared.  I guess I began losing my desire to use.  I just wanted off.  I think that's why my resolve has been pretty strong.  I really just got, as was said above, "sickSick sinus syndrome and tired of being sickSick sinus syndrome and tired."  I don't think there is any way to quit until you get to that point.  I will always like the way the oxy high made me feel.  I'm afraid I will always remember that and deep down have that craving.  However, right now and I pray in the future I do not again WANT the pills.



When I firstFirst progesterone mc10
First progesterone mc5
First-progesterone vgs 200
First-progesterone vgs 400 choice my "name" for this forum "1day" meant hopefully one day I will be clean.  It now means take this one day at a time.  Today I am clean.  And it feels F*&#$in GREAT.

Thanks Lee,I have had alot of things I have been avoiding since I decided to detox.I have been using my dependenceAlcoholism
Chemical dependence - resources
Drug abuse and dependence as an excuse for not getting some things done that needed my attentionAttention deficit hyperactivity disorder (adhd).

But when I read Percs message about not putting things off It just gave me a wake up call.I hope things will get better for you soon,Your friend Bill

I live in Maryland and I am having a hell of a time finding anyone that will prescribe it.  Most doctors and pharmacies don't even know what it is. I am even considering going to another country find it.  



If this stuff helps so many people why isn't it more available.  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR CHRIST SAKES? And the few people who will see you want more money than the street drugChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension dealers. I am so tired of being treated like something subhuman just because of a drugChemical dependence - resources
Chemotherapy
Drug abuse
Drug abuse and dependence
Drug abuse first aid
Drug allergies
Drug induced hypertension
Drug rash on the back
Drug rash, tegretol
Drug signs and teenagers
Drug-induced hypertension problem.



If you have any information about a doctor or a clinic here or in another country who can help me I would greatly appreciate you sharing it.





Thanks





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