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So how do I do this?
by beenthere2, May 17, 2003 12:00AM
I am a nurse that is addicted to opiates. When I first registered on this site I was "clean", hence my name. I posted a few times coming from the viewpoint of someone in recovery. Now I'm back as someone who needs help. I have only known working in hospitals. I dont know anything else and I HAVE to work as I am a single mother. Its like being an alcoholic and working as a bartender. It is a constant, daily, hourly struggle. I had a recent "slip-up" and am scared to death. I've done a lot of reading about SMART recovery and it really appeals to me. NA never felt right so I've only gone twice. I have been reading your advice for a few weeks now and its really helped but for someone in my situation where its my livlihood as well as my life, I know I need some practical tools.
I was taken by your comment about picturing a "positive" instead of a negative. Instead of me imagining NOT taking the drugs, I have to imagine DOING something else. But what?? As I stand there with a syringe full of morphine that I have to waste, what do I do? Yes, I can picture throwing it out but where does the "pleasure" come in? I hope I'm making sense.
I was taken by your comment about picturing a "positive" instead of a negative. Instead of me imagining NOT taking the drugs, I have to imagine DOING something else. But what?? As I stand there with a syringe full of morphine that I have to waste, what do I do? Yes, I can picture throwing it out but where does the "pleasure" come in? I hope I'm making sense.
I don't have any difinitive answers for you, but a short while ago someone (I think Hippee) stared a thread on 'how to feel good without drugs' - something to that effect. Again, there is no absolute answer, but there were some things there you might find helpful.
I have a friend that many years ago OD'd on crystal meth. He actually died and they were able to revive him. It's funny because he never touched a drug since then, and he has such a deep appreciation for the little things in life now. For example, he litterally gets immense pleasure out of something like watching geese. I was watching him watch these geese one time and he said to me "I'm not even supposed to be here right now". He sees every day as a gift. it is wonderful to be able to appreciate life like that, perhaps we all take it for granted a little at times. He doesn't take one minute for granted. It is a shame it takes a second-chance event like that to be able to feel that way. In a way he is inspirational, I try to feel like that and I can sometimes, but it's for me it's fleeting. But yea that post by hippee, if you can find it check it out. If I remember - friends, hobbies, religion, helping others - basically trying to keep your mind fully occupied and eventually over time the cravings get less and less. I know I look back at my cocain addiction and can now say "wow, I can't believe I needed that stuff", and I would flush it in the toilet if it was presented to me now. I think opiate addiction takes more work and time to get past, but I can't imagine it not being possible. I know it has a way when you are off it of only recalling the good feeling from it. But remember the bad also. Force yourself to remember why you want to quit and focus on that. Don't let it trick you.
Let us know how you are doing.
Best,
Thomas050
I was a nurse who lost her license because of my drug use AND, most importantly, because I was too damned stuborn to admit I had that bad of a problem. There was no other recourse for the board but to yank my license.
I con't have any intentions of getting myself re-instated as I do not trust myself around drugs. And my forte is Pediatrics. I couldn't work with patients other thatn in a hospital setting.
I did get off opiates...any and all were my DOC...for about 4 and a half years. Then I discovered Vicodin. Within weeks, I was taking 2-3 ata time several times a day...until I was up to about 32-40 daily.
As a Nurse, I knew how to call in RX to the pharmacies...illegally. Well, one day, it came to a sudden stop...after taking Vics for about 6 months...and I ended up in Drug Court (i year) and outpatient treatment for almost 21 months.
I was one of those Nurse's that no one suspected...at first until my behavior started to change. Oh, I took care of my patiens as a top notch nurse...working in the Newborn Intensive Care...last position. But I had porr judgment and in complete denial....
Denial can kill us. I am so interested in where you are with your using and what you plan on doing.
The second time around was what did it for me...God I wish I stopped years ago and salvaged my license...but I can't change the past. Today, I have over three years clean and my life is leaps and bounds beyond what I thought possible.
I just have regrets not stopping and staying clean years ago. I pray you get a hold of this now and stop. There is no such thing as controlled usage when addicted. And I have never met someone addicted to opiates who just thought of stopping...did so and life was great.
There are so many issues behind using that need to be addressed for addicition to come to a halt. My thoughts are with you and your child...
jan
It is a horrible place to be...alone using drugs meant for someone else...but all you can think of is..getting your drug.
When I was growing up, I never strived to be an addict pilfering patient's drugs and leaving them without pain relief. Was not exactly what I aspired to do with my life....but it was one of my behaviors....one that is in the past and not to be repeated by this person. But there are many an addict working in the medical profession as we speak. Andnot one of them went to medical or nursing school hoping to work hard and long to get a degree as to access patient's medications.
It is sad....but trueand I have to be honest and stay honest. Maybe there is another nurse out there who has done similar things that just needs to read about soemone just like her/him...so they don't feel like they were the only low-life to do such a thing.
I don't feel you are being judmental...but just being honest, also. And for that I am grateful.
jan
Anyway, my Grandmother passed this on to me, as I shall pass it on to you. I see the "light" in its delivery, and I hope you do too.
For God so loved.. (me).. that he gave, John 3:16
The first day of school our professor introduced himself and
challenged
us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to
look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being. She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?" I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.. "Why are you in college at such a young, innocent
age?"
I asked. She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of kids.." "No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. "I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.
After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for
the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon
her from the other students. She was living it up.
At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our
football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was
introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry
I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is
killing me!
I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you
what I know."
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success.
You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed
for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change. Have no regrets.
The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."
She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's
never too late to be all you can possibly be.
REMEMBER GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give.
(AUTHOR UNKNOWN)
Chezz
Although through this site, the things I have gone through in the past, with this site, many withdrawal periods, periods of writings that have touched some- I have begun to write.
I have written over 100 exerpts like I would post while withdrawaling, for those of you whom remember(and encouraged me to go on).
After the tragic death of my Mother whom died in a fire. Then my Uncle whom took his life tragically in the same way. I have come to a point in my life that I can't describe.
So I write...
For some, losing your best friend (opiates of all sorts) brings upon feelings that you are unable to describe.
To you, I can only suggest...letting it out...freeing your mind as well as your body...
Chezz
I HAVE BEEN USING FOR A VERY LONG TIME. I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE A DR FOR BUPRENORPHINE, BUT IN MY STATE THEY CAN ONLY TREAT 30 PEOPLE AT A TIME. I TOLD MY MOM AND SHE HOLDS MY BEST FRIENDS IN LITTLE BAGGIES WITH THE DAYS ON THEM SO I CAN ONLY USE WHAT IS PRESCRIBED TO ME. I HAD TOLD MY PRIMARY DR ABOUT A MONTH AGO AND HE PRESCRIBED ENOUGH VICODIN FOR ME TO WEAN DOWN SLOWLY AND TO KEEP ME FROM HAVING SEVERE WITHDRAWLS. BUT I MUST SAY THIS SUCKS, ALTHOUGH I HAVENT GOTTEN THE OPIATES OUT OF MY SYSTEM COMPLETELY, I FEEL SO UNHAPPY. I HAVE LOST CONTROL I CANNOT TAKE 3 PILLS AT ONCE TO CATCH A LIL BUZZ BECAUSE IF I DO THAT I WILL NOT MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY. I HAVE TO BE HONEST AND SAY I WISH I COULD TAKE THE VICODIN AND JUST FUNCTION IN LIFE WITHOUT IT BEING A PROBLEM. BUT I DO KNOW IT IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM. MY MOODS ARE TERRIBLE. I OBSESS OVER THEM. AND I NEEDED MORE AND MORE TO GET THE SAME RESULT. I HAVE COME OFF THEM A FEW TIMES AND I REMEMBER HOW GOOD I FELT AFTER THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PHYSICAL WITHDRAWLS SUBSIDED, I FELT ALIVE AND HAPPY AND I DID EVENTUALLY GET MY ENERGY BACK, I CAN TELL YOU ALL THIS BUT I AM SCARED TO DEATH TO STOP USING AND I JUST DONT KNOW WHY. I DO KNOW THAT THERE IS A LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF VICODIN, I HAVE BEEN THERE. I JUST CANT REMEBER HOW I GOT THERE AND HOW TO STAY THERE ONCE I FIND IT. I AM SO SO SCARED RIGHT NOW. THANK YOU ALL FOR LISTENING.
uuuuurrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh
Does she do windows????
I know that if I got the chance...and someone put them into my hands....I "might" take them. I used to say...before I relapsed the last timew (clean 3 years now)...I used to say I would never use again. Gee, who gave me the powers of seeing into the future? Oooops, that is right, I can't see into the future...so I guess I shouldn't have said I would never use again.
Now...for today, I safeguard myself. I have let all the people I trust and am close to know my history and if I ever need meds....narcotics...I don't get them....someone gives them to me.
I changed the way I thought about myself and dealt with issues that hindered my growth.
I went into therapy and faced alot of my fears, insecurities and tried to erase alot of old, negative tapes I used to play over an over again in my head. I have learned to replace them with poositive affirmations...and if one of those old tapes rear their ugly heads, I force myself to snatch that old tape out of my head and start a new one.
There is so much to staying clean.....so much work. One can't just quit drugs and expect life to be great. The reasons we used, the emotions, feelings, issues we pushed away are still there. We have given them so much power that they can stop us in out tracks and keep us from moving forward....AND...keep us from having good things in our lives.
I speak of this from experience and from what has worked best....for me.
What I have said may not apply to you...just wanted to share what has helped me in my journey to finally find....jan.
Here is what I went through. The first 90 days - Sleep was golden to me. I did not sleep for more than 3 to 4 hours. No cravings but the mental side of things was a huge issue. We all know it well. The feeling I have lost a good friend. Not wanting to sleep, work, sit or stand. The zest for life, work and family was dead. I did attend I.O.P. for the first 8 weeks. This helped to fill the nights. But after I was out of class, I had tons of free time. I hated sitting on the sofa but hated walking around the house in circles more. I really felt like I had noting to look forward to or even anything to work towards. I call this the NO MANS LAND or LIMBO.
*** THERE IS HOPE ***
Around 95 days the ups and downs started to level out. By four months weekends were fun and I looked forward to working as well as time off. It does change. Very slowly. Everyday I see things getting better. I feel so alive and thankful that I do not have to hunt for more pills. When I go to bed at night I know how I will feel in the morning. Sleep has once again returned.
I write this to give you hope. As all the 12 step programs tell us we will see the PROMISES. I have experienced them a little bit at a time. The drugs are not the problem, we are. Not family, spouse or work. It is us. If NA does not work, try AA or RxA. Keep looking, all groups are different and you will find one that makes you feel safe and welcome.
I would like to thank those on the board who helped me. Thomas the receipe (spelling) works! The experience, strength and hope you all shared will be passed on.
Remember - Every passing moment gives us the opportunity to change our direction. Fight for your life.
Sturgil Flockin
p.s. A special thanks to GOD for doing what I could not.