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Dealing with the pain and loss of dignity associated with addiction
by zoe1, Jun 18, 2003 12:00AM
I hope that I don't offend anyone with this posting. That isn't my intention. I just feel that this story is worth sharing. And, I do also have a question that directly relates to addiction.
I myself am not an addict. I lurk and read your posts; it helps me to understand. I feel that I know you.
For several years, I was in a relationship with a gentleman who became addicted to opiates (oxy). He didn't have pain but was just abusing drugs. We were very much in love and at one time engaged to be married. He was a successful professional and to outsiders appeared to have the perfect life. But inside, he was always struggling. He fought the addiction. He went through treatment several times and tried attending both AA and NA. Eventually I had to end our relationship because I could no longer deal with the "craziness"... but I never stopped loving him. He took a leave of absence from work and spent last summer on a big bender (we worked together). That ended with getting arrested at a drug house and sent to treatment. After that he came back to work. He was clean from drugs (I think) but heavily abusing alcohol. His work suffered A LOT. He bleached his hair and let his physical appearance go. He got several DUIs.
On March 3, he didn't show up for work. His manager and another co-worker went to his house to check on him and found him in his bed. He'd shot himself in the head. I went to the hospital and sat with him until he died later that day.
This disease kills. Now those left behind suffer. Please don't allow it to take more lives. -J
I myself am not an addict. I lurk and read your posts; it helps me to understand. I feel that I know you.
For several years, I was in a relationship with a gentleman who became addicted to opiates (oxy). He didn't have pain but was just abusing drugs. We were very much in love and at one time engaged to be married. He was a successful professional and to outsiders appeared to have the perfect life. But inside, he was always struggling. He fought the addiction. He went through treatment several times and tried attending both AA and NA. Eventually I had to end our relationship because I could no longer deal with the "craziness"... but I never stopped loving him. He took a leave of absence from work and spent last summer on a big bender (we worked together). That ended with getting arrested at a drug house and sent to treatment. After that he came back to work. He was clean from drugs (I think) but heavily abusing alcohol. His work suffered A LOT. He bleached his hair and let his physical appearance go. He got several DUIs.
On March 3, he didn't show up for work. His manager and another co-worker went to his house to check on him and found him in his bed. He'd shot himself in the head. I went to the hospital and sat with him until he died later that day.
This disease kills. Now those left behind suffer. Please don't allow it to take more lives. -J
It scares me that I see the same behaviours in the posts of some of the "regulars" here. I feel that a part of this disease is the tendency to blame others for your feelings rather than taking responsibilty for your own happiness. I know that the addict I loved often allowed things that I considered inconsequencial (even the rather offensive things that I've seen posted here) to affect him in a SEVERE way. It just isn't worth it... life is short enough as-is. Why waste any of the precious time obsessing over something someone else says, does, or feels that you have no control over. Why not slow down and see the beauty in the world around us? Just appreciate the little things. Life hurts a lot less when you let go of the pain. I often watched him self-medicate to try to escape reality.
Oh well... I'll get off my soapbox now. I wish you all the best.
We are all born with a 'Toolbelt'. It is empty, except for a couple of 'tools' that God gives us a birth...crying to let our parents know when we're unhappy and smiling to let our parents know when we're happy. Besides that, there's not much in there.
As we go through life, we have the OPPORTUNITY to pick up 'tools' along the way and place them in our 'toolbelt'. Good times bring the easy tools and we willingly and happily grab up those tools and proudly put them in our toolbelt. We pull them out when we want to share an uplifting story or event that happened to us. As important as those 'tools' are...they are not the most useful when it comes to helping others...and it seems that there are so many people in this world with toolbelts FULL of those types of tools...God Bless Them for such a simple, uncomplicated life. However, I've found that many of those people have absolutely no compassion or even tolorence for those of us who have chosen (or simply found ourselves on) a different path.
The bad or difficult times in our lives are another story and the 'tools' from these experiences are worth more than all the gold in the world. However, with that said, it seems that there are a lot of people out there that have gone through wicked-aweful times, yet they don't have these tools in their toolbelts, either. What they went through hurt them so much that when they did come out on the other end of it, they actually resented having had the experience or the pain was just too overwhelming that they couldn't even LOOK at the tool, let alone CLAIM IT and put it in their toolbelt. Instead, they made the choice to ignore it or simply toss it to the side...feeling ashamed or ignorant for ever getting themselves into the situation in the first place. BUT ... These are the most useful, powerful and life-changing tools that one can possess!
Where am I going with this? Well, look at what all of us have gone through. For some of us it has been hell...for others the hell is upon us at this very moment...and for even others the hell awaits us, nawing at our very core, afraid that the pills will run out, or we'll die before we get ahold of this damn addiction. BUT ALAS! This is the only truly POSSITIVE thing that we can take with us from this whole ordeal. Because of this, our compassion for others is so strong that we feel completely compelled to reach out to someone else who is going through their own hell and say "I know"..."I've been there"..."It WILL be ok, just trust me and let me help". OUR TOOLBELTS ARE FULL!
So as to not take up any more space here...I'll just close in saying that...We have SO MANY TOOLS in our toolbelts that can truly help others! THANK GOD for the wonderful people here and for the way that they have taken this 'tool' borne out of dispair and depression, anxiety and pain, and have chosen to put it in their 'toolbelt' for the good of mankind, rather than hiding their past pain and ignoring the benefits that can be had through them!
Zoe1, you now have a new 'tool' as well. You have been through hurt and pain and loss of a loved one. Be sure to take that tool and place it in your toolbelt. You will be able to help so many others who are right now walking in the shoes you wore down that perverbial path of loving an addict.
Just the musings of a tormented soul....
Peace and in One service,
Nana
ps. Hope I didn't offend anyone...it was NOT my intent.
Nana
Thank you so much for sharing with us. It really made me cry. You are a wonderful and special person and you do have so much to offer. He was so blessed to have you.
Thank you again and you will be added to my prayer list.
Take care,
Sandy
Nana,
You are also a very special person. Your post was so uplifting and you are absolutely right. I would not trade anything for what I have been through, because I would not be the person I am today. When you go through really bad and dark times and you come out of it, you can really see how beautiful life can be. I made up my mind last night to start volunteering and give back what I have been blessed with. I am so glad you got things straighened out with your doctor. I will be thinking of you.
Take care,
Sandy Good luck to all of us!
My question is rather strange. Regardless of my path here, I'm here. But the reason for my addiction hasn't been addressed on any thread, so maybe you can give me some insight. I'm terrified of dreaming. Not so much bad dreams, just dreams in general. I found out a long time ago that if I took vicoden, then I didn't dream (or acknowledge the dream. And typical, the longer I took it, the more I needed. I'm up to 20 a day, chased with 3-4 Unisom sleeping pills.
I've tried Valium and other benzo's, and I still dream. Not sure how to break this cycle. I know I want to quit (who doesn't), but then I DON'T want to quit because the hell of taking medication is not worse than the hell of dreaming. Yes, I'm working with a doc on the mental aspect (why I'm afraid), and while I hope for long term results, it doesn't help with the short term. So I keep medicating.
I feel like I'm in a Nightmare on Elm Street movie.
What is it about Vicoden specifically that keeps you from dreaming/ acknowledging dreams, but still feeling rested?
Bmac
It is terribly difficult to watch someone who can't do that self-destruct. I prefer not to think of my former fiance as a "loser".... rather, I see him as a very ill person. He just couldn't find a way out.
BUT, I think it is important to clarify what I think of as his "illness". He often said things like "you would never leave me if I had cancer -- why leave me if I use?". I don't see choosing to abuse drugs in the same way as I see cancer. Rather, I see it as an illness similar to a compulsion to run a car into a tree. The 1st time he did it, I pulled him out and nursed him to health (risking my own safety).. I did the same the 2nd time but with reservations... the 3rd time, I left him to pull himself out (I didn't want to be burned again)... finally, he continued to run into the tree and was unable to pull himself out.
In open NA meetings that I attended (yes, even non-addicts are welcomed in the *open* meetings here -- I truly love some of those guys), I often heard that you either quit abusing drugs or you end up in jail, institution, or dead. Its scary but true.
The same goes for everyone.. either we take responsibility for our own actions or we don't. Either we live life to the fullest or we don't. Either we allow others to pull us down, or we don't. Its simple concept -- but harder to really live.
I don't always do everything right! I still get my self into stupied situations like taking these tramadol foolishly when I knew I should have put them down (and I could have)! But he is still here for me. I am glad I have my faith to comfort me because I today am afraid to kill myself because of it. I'm not quite ready to meet him yet! KimH
Take care,
Sandy