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Sick and Sore, Wore to the Core; And still not W/D...
You all are creating such positive energy for healthy change it's wonder-full!! I pulled myself together this morn, motored into the city, had a too brief but excellent session at work, went walking (finally!) in the fineshine of a clear pleasantly cool day, replenished coffee supply, brought dear son to doctor - shoulda been a great day a regular turning point... but really the reason I got it together was I had to pick up more meds, shovelling in the darvon w/tons of tylenol, starting feeling so wore down tuckered out, sick with sore throat, coughing (this after getting the flu vaccine and being sorta sick already 10 days including 2 days of failed C/T)andso maybe masking the sickness but showing through so I took more codeine and what few percs remain and all I'm thinking about is a plan to get oxy 20's which I'll take one in am. one in pm. and nothing else... that'll work, right?! or maybe yeah yeah sure sure just a rationalization to get back to oxy's and I'm evaporating my essence which is to STAND UP for the victory of the spiritual over the physical... NOT a Slave to the physical world RATHER Freedom of the Spirit to soar - and here I am doing EGGZACTLY the opposite..letting down myself and all the fine fine folks in this forum and in my life... I can admire and even articulate my admiration and wholehearted prayers to all of you on your noble struggles... but I'm wasted and a long long way from home... wish I was feeling this sick and sore from C/T's instead of just... you'd laugh if I told you that people admire my constant good cheer and kind words. Nefesh
Hi,
I was happy to see your post to me. It's almost 10:00pm here and I'm just know making it to the computer. The reason for that could be that I didn't get to sleep until around five this morning. I managed four hrs of sleep, so I won't complain too much.
I was having second thoughts about the methadone plan. Having an addictive personality, I could end up addicted to it. I think following the taper is working fairly well, I just get impatient because this is taking so long. Fentanyl is my worst enemy. I make it a point to not hate, but those patches are an exception.
I'm not surprised that people around you say you are cheeful and sany kind things. You certainly have been kind to me. You probably don't feel cheerful, but someday soon you will. I'm sure of that. I'll be around off and on tonight and I hope I hear you had a good day. If it wasn't good, I want to hear anyway. I cherish the friends I have made here.
If you ever need to talk my email address is...***@****
Take Care and Hugs....ST
I was happy to see your post to me. It's almost 10:00pm here and I'm just know making it to the computer. The reason for that could be that I didn't get to sleep until around five this morning. I managed four hrs of sleep, so I won't complain too much.
I was having second thoughts about the methadone plan. Having an addictive personality, I could end up addicted to it. I think following the taper is working fairly well, I just get impatient because this is taking so long. Fentanyl is my worst enemy. I make it a point to not hate, but those patches are an exception.
I'm not surprised that people around you say you are cheeful and sany kind things. You certainly have been kind to me. You probably don't feel cheerful, but someday soon you will. I'm sure of that. I'll be around off and on tonight and I hope I hear you had a good day. If it wasn't good, I want to hear anyway. I cherish the friends I have made here.
If you ever need to talk my email address is...***@****
Take Care and Hugs....ST
Yeah Bugzz, you definitely won the battle today, and eventually the war... thanks for your support, I'm feeling needy and it's embarrassing - I'm s'posed to be giving the support... thanks Bugzz, a lot...
AmberSpark, why did I get into this?? that's easy! (just kidding) I dunno, lots of angles jangled together... physical pain from a few accidents, taking on huge challenges w/o being an organized person, being a funny extremist; seeking inspired living, a lot of which I built brick by brick but part of me always just wanted to be there already... early deep sadness; in jr. high school I wrote collections of short stories about suicides... I have so many blessings, and really such a great life full of inspiring challenges in a direction of my choosing... loving beautiful family, but my highly controlled usage of opiates finally bested me after about 17 years (of usage, not age) and the last seven or so have been depraved, sapping my lifeforce and undoubtedly rippling out and affecting those closest to me... it poses a deep internal contradiction I've been numbing to ignore... but it ain't goin' away... and now I'm frittering away choice opportunities to just dump it forever... Nefesh
AmberSpark, why did I get into this?? that's easy! (just kidding) I dunno, lots of angles jangled together... physical pain from a few accidents, taking on huge challenges w/o being an organized person, being a funny extremist; seeking inspired living, a lot of which I built brick by brick but part of me always just wanted to be there already... early deep sadness; in jr. high school I wrote collections of short stories about suicides... I have so many blessings, and really such a great life full of inspiring challenges in a direction of my choosing... loving beautiful family, but my highly controlled usage of opiates finally bested me after about 17 years (of usage, not age) and the last seven or so have been depraved, sapping my lifeforce and undoubtedly rippling out and affecting those closest to me... it poses a deep internal contradiction I've been numbing to ignore... but it ain't goin' away... and now I'm frittering away choice opportunities to just dump it forever... Nefesh
nefresh,
The spirit is much stronger than the physical. If we want to stop our addictions, then it's the spirit that has to get the message. Otherwise, we're just giving lip service. Just saying what we think people around us want to hear. Until we feel deep down that we HAVE to stop, we're shortening our lives.
Years ago, I used to feel so free when I was riding my horse, but I wasn't really. I had to make sure I had several pills in my pocket before I climbed on. I want to feel free again. I want to be off this stuff by spring but the taper is sooooooo slow. As I said before, I'm going to tell my doc I want to go with the methadone. She said I would be off both the fentanyl pain patches and only on the methadone for three weeks total. I believe she said 10mg of meth. a day.
I want to believe we will all be free of our burden in time to do the things we love. I wish everyone on this site a full recovery, and I think we can do that together.
Hugs and Take Care...LS
The spirit is much stronger than the physical. If we want to stop our addictions, then it's the spirit that has to get the message. Otherwise, we're just giving lip service. Just saying what we think people around us want to hear. Until we feel deep down that we HAVE to stop, we're shortening our lives.
Years ago, I used to feel so free when I was riding my horse, but I wasn't really. I had to make sure I had several pills in my pocket before I climbed on. I want to feel free again. I want to be off this stuff by spring but the taper is sooooooo slow. As I said before, I'm going to tell my doc I want to go with the methadone. She said I would be off both the fentanyl pain patches and only on the methadone for three weeks total. I believe she said 10mg of meth. a day.
I want to believe we will all be free of our burden in time to do the things we love. I wish everyone on this site a full recovery, and I think we can do that together.
Hugs and Take Care...LS
nefesh,,sorry to hear that,,,thats ok ,,you are here and we are here!!!!!Its really OK,,,we are all addicts!!! I held 3 30mg's m.s contin in my hand this am and walked around for an hour thinking of what to do with it???well I really dont know how (because I never did it before,, so why now) flushed it down,,yes wow,,,so there is HOPE here,,,,today was a wash,,tomorrow is a new day,,,,there is always another day,,,I am here for ya ....take care bugzzzz
I hope I'm not making a mistake by telling you that I was given methadone about three years ago to replace all my other garbage and then it would be easier to wean off just the metha... I just took everything all together and got messed up... looks like you can handle it though, your resolve seems resoundingly real... just please be careful with that stuff... I really appreciate your writing and your support - I need it... "find the cost of freedom, buried in the sand..." or something like that, a sweet acouustic CSNY tune... Love, Nefesh
Nefesh, apologies if you've addressed this before, but do you know why you are taking opiates? Depression, PTSD, soul-sickness? Boredom, lonliness, rage?
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