Aa
TO ALL MY FRIENDS
I just wanted to say Thank You for everyone of you who have been there for me. This ride is not over yet, and far from it I am sure.
I just wanted everyone to know that I am not being rude..I am just having a HARD HARD time concentrating. All I can think about is those damn pills! Very sad, angry, just a ton of emotions. I wish I could just get lost in something for even a few hours that I would not think about these damn things. I shouldn't say that is all I think about..b/c I am thinking about all of you as well and trying hard to tell myself I am not alone. This weekend will be the big test for me...I have myself down to ONLY 3 pills left. Yes 3..and I wanted it that way. Sounds totally twisted but I did. I did not taper well with this last bottle, go figure! However, I told myself you have 2 choices you can take what you have here and work it to your advantage or waste them and suffer at the end. Well, I will suffer. I am just PRAYING that the half I take each day will help me somewhat. Kids are gone this weekend but my best friend has a key to my house and NEVER leaves me be. I stayed in bed until noon today...after I got my son off to school. She let herself in at 12 to check on me. She means well, but has no idea what I am struggling with. I have lied and lied to her. I cannot get myself to tell her. I finally did tell my mother..but she is 2 hours away. She has called and she is there for me. But she too knew something was up when I wasn't calling every week like normal. What have I become? bare with em everyone....here it all comes..cont'd
I just wanted everyone to know that I am not being rude..I am just having a HARD HARD time concentrating. All I can think about is those damn pills! Very sad, angry, just a ton of emotions. I wish I could just get lost in something for even a few hours that I would not think about these damn things. I shouldn't say that is all I think about..b/c I am thinking about all of you as well and trying hard to tell myself I am not alone. This weekend will be the big test for me...I have myself down to ONLY 3 pills left. Yes 3..and I wanted it that way. Sounds totally twisted but I did. I did not taper well with this last bottle, go figure! However, I told myself you have 2 choices you can take what you have here and work it to your advantage or waste them and suffer at the end. Well, I will suffer. I am just PRAYING that the half I take each day will help me somewhat. Kids are gone this weekend but my best friend has a key to my house and NEVER leaves me be. I stayed in bed until noon today...after I got my son off to school. She let herself in at 12 to check on me. She means well, but has no idea what I am struggling with. I have lied and lied to her. I cannot get myself to tell her. I finally did tell my mother..but she is 2 hours away. She has called and she is there for me. But she too knew something was up when I wasn't calling every week like normal. What have I become? bare with em everyone....here it all comes..cont'd
Here it all comes...the rambling. But I have not really posted much the past few days as I said I am in my own little world here.
I want ME back...I get so scared it never will happen. I do want to tell my friend because I KNOW after the disapointment she will help me through. But that is just it, I don't want the disapointment right now. I am ashamed as it is. So I rely on everyone of you here. And I get to this point..where I ramble and ramble.
God thank you for everyone who listens to me!
I don't even want to SHOWER for crying out loud. Nothing! What is wrong with me??? I am getting sooo sooo scared. I read all the OD posts...I am terrified of that now as well. I mean it always was in my mind..but I did not know it could come right away or later. I saw a post from hopeful mom..very very eye opening story. Someone fell asleep never woke up. I am just so lost and scared. All of this alone should be enough to say..F*** THOSE PILLS. WHY is it not that easy????
Thank you everyone for listening....I know I can be quite the talker at times!!!!!!!
I love you all!
Tracy
I want ME back...I get so scared it never will happen. I do want to tell my friend because I KNOW after the disapointment she will help me through. But that is just it, I don't want the disapointment right now. I am ashamed as it is. So I rely on everyone of you here. And I get to this point..where I ramble and ramble.
God thank you for everyone who listens to me!
I don't even want to SHOWER for crying out loud. Nothing! What is wrong with me??? I am getting sooo sooo scared. I read all the OD posts...I am terrified of that now as well. I mean it always was in my mind..but I did not know it could come right away or later. I saw a post from hopeful mom..very very eye opening story. Someone fell asleep never woke up. I am just so lost and scared. All of this alone should be enough to say..F*** THOSE PILLS. WHY is it not that easy????
Thank you everyone for listening....I know I can be quite the talker at times!!!!!!!
I love you all!
Tracy
Tracy you helped me sooooo much in those dark days. There was hardly anyone on in here, and you were with me all the way. I am going to keep tabs on you as much as possible. I know how hard it really is, and believe me there is only just a few days where it seems unbearable.
Once you can get through that your home free physically, then it is all the mind game, and gaining strength back. Just dont get the flu LOL. Now that I have the flu, im right there with you AGAIN!
I cant stay sitting here cause im kinda running at both ends right now. My nose is runnin, and my feet are smelling again hahahahaha! Will be soooooo glad to finally feel good, for good!
I will be checking in on ya regularly all day, that way your not doing anything alone.
Big hugs!
Allen
Once you can get through that your home free physically, then it is all the mind game, and gaining strength back. Just dont get the flu LOL. Now that I have the flu, im right there with you AGAIN!
I cant stay sitting here cause im kinda running at both ends right now. My nose is runnin, and my feet are smelling again hahahahaha! Will be soooooo glad to finally feel good, for good!
I will be checking in on ya regularly all day, that way your not doing anything alone.
Big hugs!
Allen
Aww hun! Thanks so much. Means alot to me. But you make SURE you take care of YOU first hun!!!
Feel better soon!
Tracy
Feel better soon!
Tracy
LOL we musta been replying to each other!!
Passing each other in the forums, how funny!
Passing each other in the forums, how funny!
I will, and you too. Still will be with ya though as the flu is just a waiting game now LOL.
Allen
Allen
Thanks for your words today. Sometimes when I am reading your posts I think I may be reading my own words. I feel in my heart everything you write. Such a prison we have locked ourselves in.
I can't remember when I have been this depressed.
going to work now, will post later. Thinking and caring about you.
peace
I can't remember when I have been this depressed.
going to work now, will post later. Thinking and caring about you.
peace
I did that post to open some eyes. I don't want you to be afraid. Just want you better. Please share with your freind. Yes, it is disappointing, but the reason she or he checks on you is that they are already worried about you. Actually, I am elated to help. That shows me a real desire to improve. They probably feel the same. Asking for help is a sign of being honest and recovery. That is wonderful. Even though you feel so hopeless. I see great signs coming from you. I always have. With every post of yours I've read, I see a healthy person underneath. I have faith in you. PLEASE KEEP THE FAITH IN YOURSELF. ONCE YOU PASS THIS FEELING AWFUL (DEPRESSED, AND PHYSICALLY ILL,CRAVINGS AND ALL THAT COMES WITH WITHDRAWEL) THE REAL YOU WILL SURFACE AGAIN. IT WILL FEEL SO GOOD. YOU WILL APPRECIATTE THE SMALL JOYS IN LIFE, MORE THAN ANYONE THAT HAS'NT BEEN THROUGH HELL ON EARTH. PLEASE HANG IN. IT IS SO WORTH IT.
first off i wish you all the best in your recovery. you are the first person i met on here and you have helped me ALOT and have been there when i was craving and when i had a lapse you talked me out feeln bad about it and showed me it was ok and it wasnt the ent of the world. just know the words you told me dont only apply to me..they also apply to YOU and everyone else in recovery. you are strong and have given me hope in myself wich i havnt had in years. thank you. i only hope i can help you too one day.
First I want to tel you are strong person and do not feel ashamed of something that has taken control of everything in our lives its a battle that we will always have can we control it I hope so I have had 2 ods on pills and my husband was the one to realize something was wrong I was not breathing of course took to many pills and went to bed, this was always his fear and was until I stopped the methadone the other od was on belladonna that was my worst, my heart stopped but knowing all this now, would it matter? my friend of 12 yrs wont speak to me because she says that I am killing myself and she wont watch but I feel like I have made friends here. I know you can do it and tell your friend. she may already know also if you want to ramble do it we dont mind love to you
How are you doing today? last day at clinic? keep us posted I find myself thinking of you often love and hugs to you
YOU CAN DO THIS!! Take advantage of the fact that the kids are not there this weekend, and it's okay to ramble to us...we all do it here! You can overcome this, you became an addict and was not yourself!! And it's okay, don't dwell on what happened in the past, what you have now is the future!!! you cannot change the past, but you can build the future!!! YOU, YES YOU, ARE A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING!!! Everyone who breaths air on earth, has issues, and ours is addiction, but we are all here for help honey!! And you can become a new person, just think, when it's all said and done, you'll have energy (without the pills), you'll have smiles and laughter, and a sense of excellence, you are in a war right now, and your on the verge of winning it! In a weird sense, our war is worse then those who go across seas (please don't take that or anyone take that the wrong way, try to understand it, i'm not saying we ARE for sure worse) But we are going through mental, emotional and physical abuse right now!! And it is going to be the best thing ever and the best feeling ever, to beat this!! We are soldiers!! WE CAN WIN THIS BATTLE!! KEEP STRONG HONEY!! AND STAY POSITIVE!! THINK OF YOURSELF CLEAN AND HAPPY!!! Your going to love to say "yea I was an addict, but i overcome it and I'm a new person, I've been clean for --- amount if time!!! Your in my prayers as you all are!!!
keep ya head up....strictly me
keep ya head up....strictly me
Thank you everyone...you have brought tears to me eyes but in a good way.
I am proud to know every one of you, and the words of kindness are stuck deep within me.
Hearing I helped others are words that also carry deep. I am so glad I was able to do that. We are all in this together, and the enormous amount of support here is just INCREDIBLE. I am seriously thinking on telling my best friend...like you said I think too she already..she knows me too well.
I also think that honestly? I am going to NEED her as well. She is one who is around me everyday...sometimes we need that personal connection as well. I love it here, I don't mean that I need her more than you guys here. I just mean someone who is in personal contact also would probably be a huge help to me too. Sometimes I wish I had even just one of you here, on thsoe bad days or nights..just someone to grab onto and hear it is going to be ok. I am sure you all know what I mean. Never doubt that I love you all and appreciate more than words can say what you all do and have done for me, and the things you have said. You all are playing a huge part in helping me through this.
I hope we all get this conquored once and for all. I pray this every night as well.
I love you all! Wishing everyone back the same kind words I have received from you!
Tracy
I am proud to know every one of you, and the words of kindness are stuck deep within me.
Hearing I helped others are words that also carry deep. I am so glad I was able to do that. We are all in this together, and the enormous amount of support here is just INCREDIBLE. I am seriously thinking on telling my best friend...like you said I think too she already..she knows me too well.
I also think that honestly? I am going to NEED her as well. She is one who is around me everyday...sometimes we need that personal connection as well. I love it here, I don't mean that I need her more than you guys here. I just mean someone who is in personal contact also would probably be a huge help to me too. Sometimes I wish I had even just one of you here, on thsoe bad days or nights..just someone to grab onto and hear it is going to be ok. I am sure you all know what I mean. Never doubt that I love you all and appreciate more than words can say what you all do and have done for me, and the things you have said. You all are playing a huge part in helping me through this.
I hope we all get this conquored once and for all. I pray this every night as well.
I love you all! Wishing everyone back the same kind words I have received from you!
Tracy
Tracy I know exaaaaactly what you mean, and yes it would help to have someone there to help. I wish I would have had that here. Everyone at my house was sooo into themselves they didnt have time for dear ole dad. They brought all the grandkids and let them run wild, and had dozens of people running in and out. It was tough for me.
Now that we all are suffering with the flu! Boy is it totally different lol. I told them "welcome to my last week or so" muwahahahahahahaha! LOL
I do have some sympathy though, and told them that too lol. Guess when you have 6 kids you cant expect everyone to stop their life while you c/t rofl.
I hope your doin well right now, and I helped you get your mind off your troubles =D
Big hugs!!!!
Allen
Remember, gonna be there much as I can for ya ;)
Now that we all are suffering with the flu! Boy is it totally different lol. I told them "welcome to my last week or so" muwahahahahahahaha! LOL
I do have some sympathy though, and told them that too lol. Guess when you have 6 kids you cant expect everyone to stop their life while you c/t rofl.
I hope your doin well right now, and I helped you get your mind off your troubles =D
Big hugs!!!!
Allen
Remember, gonna be there much as I can for ya ;)
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