Jen, I feel your pain.  My parents used crystal meth for quite the number of years.  I remember when I was a small child, wondering why these weird people were over our house for so long and not eating or sleeping.  My parents eventually kicked the habbit and got clean.  However, it was too late for me.  I grew up with that in my immediate family and therefore thought it was okay to use drugs.  Until I saw the effects it had on me, my children and my family, it was then that I broke the cycle of addiction.  It sucked to grow up with your parents on drugs and that is when it dawned on me that I wasn't going to put my children through the pain and suffering that I endured.  I must say that it feels pretty darn good being clean for THREE YEARS with no relapses.

A drug addict in the throes of active addiction is one of the most self-centered creatures on God's green earth - but they generally don't know they are and don't intend to be that way.  That's just the way it is.

If you had asked me if I was self-centered back when I was using I would have told you "no."  If you had me hooked up to a polygraph I would have passed with flying colors.  I thought being self-centered meant thinking you were wonderful, wanting everything for yourself, thinking you deserved more than others, etc.  I was none of those things.

I was, however, locked in the prison of addiction, where I was unable to see much beyond myself.  I don't suppose it's useful to provide a detailed explanation of how this particular addict viewed himself and his place in the world - but I promise you it was a warped and destructive view.  I can tell you quickly enough that in my heart of hearts I believed 3 things very deeply: 1) I wasn't hurting anyone but myself, so everyone should just LEAVE ME ALONE!!; 2) What I was doing might not be good, but it WAS NECESSARY and that's just the way it was; and 3) None of it really mattered, because I was not worth much anyway and everyone would be better off without me.

I find that a lot of addicts and alcoholics had similar paradigms in their active days - The self-centeredness and the inability to see it just seem to be something that come with the disease.  A line in the Third Step prayer clearly acknowledges this: "Relieve me of the bondage of self."  (see http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/chapter_5.html#3d).  

When I was active I just couldn't get it.  Sometimes I was able to consider the kids, but even that was in a self-centered way.  Mostly in terms of MY fear of the shame and disgrace that would be MINE if everyone found out, or I died an addict's death, or made the front page being busted, etc.  I had a hard time seeing - no, I was unable to see - that: there was a sweet 4 year old girl who was missing something the love and devotion of a healthy father who was engaged in life; a 10 year old boy was wondering why his hero and champion had disappeared; a 14 year old girl was worried sick about the guy she thought was the model for all men and wondering if she had done something to cause "all this"; or that a 16 year old boy on the verge of becoming a man was disgusted with his old-man, and wondering how anyone could screw things up like this.  

I didn't and couldn't see any of that.  Not one bit.  But, I can tell you that my kids saved my life.  It happened a day or two before I went to rehab in early June of 2005.  I can remember it like it was yesterday and I pray to God that I will always remember it that way.  

All of my s**t had truly hit the fan and it was everywhere.  Everyone knew and everyone knew the whole truth [my drug use had come to light about 6 months before and I was shipped of to a 28 day rehab.  However, I was able to hide the fact that about 3 months before that I had switched from hydrocodone to crack. I was a new man when I got back from rehab in late January, but that new man relapsed w/i 48 hours].  

So, there I was a raging crack addict smoking crack at my desk at my solo-practice office, when I realized that I hadn't seen  my kids in 4 or 5 (maybe 6?) days.  I recogonized that as bad and thought that I should go see my kids, since the (true) fact that I loved them more than anything on earth was still well inscribed on my heart.  I quickly saw, however, that I was in no condition to go see them, as I had been awake and smoking crack non-stop since the last time I saw any of them.  So, I knew that I would have to stop smoking, come down and get myself "presentable" before I went home (I had actually been kicked out by then, but it was my only home).  

Just as quickly, I knew (and I mean KNEW) that THAT was not going to happen - I WASN'T going to stop or come down or make myself presentable.  I WAS going to smoke what I had in front of me and make damn sure that I had more BEFORE that ran out - sorry kids.

Just as quickly, I thought that I should feel bad about that.  I mean I may have been smoking crack every day for the preceding 5+ months and non-stop 4 or 5 (or 6?) days, and I may have been using hydrocodone at record levels for the 5 years before that, but I WAS A GREAT DAD (everyone had always said that) and I LOVED MY KIDS MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.  

But just as quickly, I saw that I didn't feel bad about that.  I didn't feel bad about that at all - not one little bit.  I didn't even feel bad about not feeling bad - nope.  Sorry.  The only thing I truly felt was pleased that a) I still had quite a pile in front of me and b) I had a pocket full of cash to pay for the delivery of a lot more that I knew would be there any minute.  That's what I felt and that's all that I felt.

And then, just as quickly, I UNDERSTOOD (as clearly as I've ever understood anything in my life) that it all of that was true (and it WAS) then I had lost touch with myself as completely as if I were living in some come-to-life Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  Holy Sh*t, I thought my brother was right - it's not me in here anymore.

I wish I could say that I stood up at that moment, flushed my stuff and never used again.  But of course that didn't happen.  If anything I stepped it up a notch as I continued my non-stop use for the next 7 to 10 days until I landed in rehab no. 2.

But the event of seeing that I had lost myself and tossed aside what was truly most important in my life, was the thing that allowed me to move from active addiction to sustained recovery. Only when I was a good space away from being active could I see that it wasn't, and never had been, all about me.

powerful comments...I am truely touched by your stories of addiciton and your travels to recovery.....i feel or should I say I know my father hurts from the realization that he has become this monster, but also struggles like many of you have, with the fear of recovery....thank you for allowing me to see inside your personal hell and thank you for allowing me to see the hope through your stories of recovery. You are all wonderful no matter what level of your journey you are currently at, thinking about being clean, going through detox, relapsing, or sustaining the recovered life...you all have my prayers and wishes for a long fulfilled life!!!!

thanks for the insight...I do have to say that anger is not what I feel when I look at the shell of a man my father has fallen into being from decades of horrible addiciton....just pitty and worry and sadness, and and and and....the list goes on and on and on....My father is 49 years old....he had me very young as I am in my early 30's...my entire life has been one huge consequence of his choices...my mom is not innoscent either...but thrpughout my childhood and early teen years I just thought we were poor and knew some really interesting and weird people...later i realized these were addicts and we were poor not because we extended ourselves financially and lived in a big expensive home or drove luxury vehicles, but because evrey dime my parents could find was spent on drugs or gambeling or maintaining the "lifestlye" they had so selfishly accquired.

But as I stated in an earlier post, I recognize addiciton from a biological standpoint. I understand that when a person is using it isn't because of something someone around them did or said, i know it is because their body tells them they MUST have this fulfillment to make them complete. My sadness arises from the fact that this once strong man has almost vanished before my eyes. I grew up being the parent to my mom and dad, and i have no isseus with that. God has a plan for each of us and if I were one of those spoiled rich klds then i probaly wouldn't be the person I am today....My dad went from personal hero to someone I can't even have my children around because he is high, trying to get high, looking for things to steal to get money to get high, or because when he has babysat he has taken my kids to the dealers to buy his drugs or has "friends" that come to his house....that is hurtful. I host all of the family dinners for mine and my husbands side. About 30-40 people every holiday...and it is painful when someone asks, what is wrong with your dad. I have come to the point that we do not cover up or hide it. We do make people aware of his issues and inform them on how to not be an enabler....tough but it has to be done. What I see in his response is that he seems that it doesn't bother him. this man once able to reason and conduct himself appropriately has lost the battle with common sense and knows no limits....I tell my children, age 6 and 10 about grandpa's addiciton and I explain to them and inform them of the dangers associated with drug use. they see first hand and feel the devistating effects of his addiciton...now of course they get the pg version, I don't relate to them that grandpa has crack hos he spends days with or that grandma can't call this week because her phone was shut off again cause grandpa spent his entire disability check.....it is forever impacting, even after the addict is clean and in some cases gone.....I truely commend each of you who are trying to win this fight and extend a big pat on the back to those of you who are there to pick up the pieces of those who fall victim to this demon....God bless you all

Jen I am not a drug addict or alchoholic. I have loved 2 or 3 in my life. My ex husband and presently my daughter. I can tell you that the addict does not intentionaly hurt you. It does feel that way. They feel helpless to the addiction. My ex husband did get clean when the family no longer allowed him to use. Some can't even do it then. They think they can juggle the addiction. The addiction is controling them. They are not hurting you, the drug or alcohol is. It is hurting them also. ADDICTION IS POISON TO THE USER AND THE LOVED ONES. ITS THAT SIMPLE. IT DESTROYS LIVES. THE ADDICTED PERSON DOES NOT WISH FOR THIS. I think you must be very hurt, thinking your dad loves the drug more than you. I do not beleive that. I think he's just addicted and under the control of addiction. It does hurt not to get the emotional support etc. from your dad. You may want to go to some alanon meetings, they can help you with this. You seem angry that he doesn't just stop for his loved ones, sadly it's not that simple.

Check your email...
:-)

Yes I think of my children....In fact that is why I am continuing to stay strong on my taper. I have made some very bad choices and I cant blame it all on the pills, but I do beleive I would have been able to fix some of the choices had I not been hiding behind the painkillers. Thank you gipsee for posting about guilt being a wasted emotion, because I need to remember that and keep going.

I am not an addict. I do know that guilty feeling all to well. My daughter is a heroine addict. I have spent alot of time guilting myself about that. What I should or should not have done? Seems like a good Mom  could have stopped this. I was assured by my daughter that I had nothing to do with her addiction. I know there are some things I wish I could change. We can not turn back the clock. Just focus on what we can change now.  I do beleive that if you were or are using it has an ill affect on loved ones around you. Addiction has an ill affect on you too. Its a fact we all know. I do not blame you. I firmly beleive it is the fault of the addiction. I also beleive that we do the best we know how at the time or space that we're in. You are in a good space now, please stay focused on recovery. Once you are recovered you will give back. You'll make it up to them. Just being clean is a gift to your loved ones. Beating yourself up is not going to help anyone. Keep climbing up the ladder of life. I know a person that lost her child because of drug use. Even though she is not presently with him. I know it would give him peace to know that she was clean. Do not waste energy on negative thoughts. STAY POSITIVE.

There is a whole in your heart over past mistakes.

But you have the future to look forward to with hubby and kids and you still have time to make it all up to them.

Guilt is such a wasted emotion.   You can't do anythng over guilt but be better in the future.   The past is gone.  Don't beat yourself up.... just make it better.

Soon the whole that is there now will be taken over by your extra special care.   And life goes on with realization on how much better it is now.

Gip

My children were the main reason why I changed.  I was addicted to crystal meth for 10 years.  I quit during both pregnancies but started right back up again after my kids were born.  It saddens me to think of how much I missed out on their lives.  I was physically there but not mentally or phsycologically there.  There were times where I would binge on the meth and be up for days and leave for days running around with my "friends", leaving my kids home with my husband for them to wonder where mommy is and when she's coming home.  There was so much that I missed out on.  There were so many times that I made them cry, miss me or even dispise me.  I can't take that back.  I can't go back in time to change things,  but I can live every day of my life now being the mom that I should've been all along.  I know that when you are on drugs, you don't see the whole big picture and how you are affecting the people that truely love you.  Now that I have been clean for three years, I am a great mom.  My kids come first in my life and they can now love, trust, appreciate and depend on me.  It took my husband taking the kids and divorcing me for me to get my act together.  My husband and I have since gotten back together, but all it took was being away from my kids for three weeks for me to realize that I had to change.  Everytbing worked out great in the end for me and everyone is happy now, but it still haunts my soul, the way I chose drugs over my kids.

I have never posted on this site, but, I just went through a pretty hard week of tapering.  I was taking 15 loratabs a day.  I have only took half and later plan on the same.  Then tomorrow, nothing at all.  This forum has been so helpful to me when I thougt I was going to jump out of my skin.  
Yes, I have thought about the impact on my family, I have 3 small kids, ages 1,2 and 5.  And this is not my first time I had to detox.  If it wasnt for my mother, I dont know what I would have done.  I was like a baby for a week, but, family is so important.  I cant tell my husband, he would not understand again, so I just played it off to my back was out.  I have felt for so long that these pills have given me the energy I needed to take care of my kids, I never give it enough time to get out of my system.  Then I start using again, for lack of energy.  I feel sure this is my final time, I cant imagine what my mother has had to go through all these times of cleaning up my mess.  I am so sick I cant take care of my own kids.  Its a sick addiction.  But, I am looking forward to being clean and staying that way.  Above all, proving to myself that I can do it.  So the answer is, yes I do feel like a complete loser, but, we just have to show them that this does not ever have to happen again..  Thank-you all for all the post that I have been readin, It has helped me so much..Good luck all,,,

Sure... using this stuff affects everyone around us...no doubt...

Giving people around us our best... is a whole lot different once we get clean...

Gip