Aa
Have you found your "bottom"
In light of the post about hitting bottom I have started to put some thought into this. I'll be honest, up till a few days ago I thought I was better than those that require a dealers for the next dose, or the ones fighting a court room battle, I often envisioned these types of people as lower class. My god this site has been an eye opener, I figured "these things don't apply to me" I am better than this, I have it under total control.
It was through this site I was able to find my bottom. For me my bottom is my marriage. Last May (2 days before my birthday) I came back from picking up my daughter from Disneyland to find the house filled with everything but my husband. Said he couldn't take my attitude, I wasn't living up to my deal as a housewife, I wasn't fullfilling my part of our marriage. The house was a mess and only clean on Wed. when the housekeeper came, I would lay on the couch all day and could be found in the same spot from morning till night. Complaining about everything when in reality I had a golden life. The man that loved me unconditioally for 16 years slept in his truck on more than one occasion, lived on the couch of another couple for 3 months just so he didn't have to be around me. My god, what have I done to him? He came back home in Aug. willing to try things out. No doubt he loves me, but I was breaking him down.
It was through this site I was able to find my bottom. For me my bottom is my marriage. Last May (2 days before my birthday) I came back from picking up my daughter from Disneyland to find the house filled with everything but my husband. Said he couldn't take my attitude, I wasn't living up to my deal as a housewife, I wasn't fullfilling my part of our marriage. The house was a mess and only clean on Wed. when the housekeeper came, I would lay on the couch all day and could be found in the same spot from morning till night. Complaining about everything when in reality I had a golden life. The man that loved me unconditioally for 16 years slept in his truck on more than one occasion, lived on the couch of another couple for 3 months just so he didn't have to be around me. My god, what have I done to him? He came back home in Aug. willing to try things out. No doubt he loves me, but I was breaking him down.
I justify what I have lost because I am not thinking clearly...for eight years. If I were to be honest and truely accept all I've done...I have hit bottom numerous times. My God, what does it take?
Peace~
Peace~
Funny I think that same thing, each time I open my mouth and stab or dig in to dh, I know I am slowly pushing him back to the door. He made a statement once saying "I have nothing to loose, you have everything" OMG how true is that. He will still work, still have his kids and still live his life, me, I may have a house to live in, but at what cost and for how long? My kids will stand by me because I am mom, but they would put up a shield between us. Why do I hurt him so much? I do think about if I had the cash that I put out to scripts rather than the meds. We have no insurance and Oxy is not a cheap drug. The Dr. visit each month is $90, the steriod injections were $400 each (herniated disk, causing awful sciatic pain). I wish I had my energy back, I end up tapering down, start to feel good inside. Tell myself I can handle just one "boost" pill. Just spark some extra happiness. Of course it wears down, I feel dirty inside and the cycle starts all over and I am up to my normal amount again. I hate the way these pills make me feel, I literally feel dirty down to the bone.
I really have no response but, you have SOOOOOO hit the nail on the head with your last few posts! I find myself with goosebumps...esp the part about having everything to lose and for what...thank you for so profoundly phrasing your feelings and I imagine, how most of us feel!
Creek, welcome back...I have also been here a week and this forum has helped me more than I can say. I find myself coming back throughout the day just to be reminded that there are so many of you out there who need help and also give help as needed! I don't think I could say anything more inspiring than Grace03 already has!
Creek, welcome back...I have also been here a week and this forum has helped me more than I can say. I find myself coming back throughout the day just to be reminded that there are so many of you out there who need help and also give help as needed! I don't think I could say anything more inspiring than Grace03 already has!
It is amazing how pills can change so many lives. Starting out as legitamate injuries with narcotic pain pills for pain. After a while they consume us and our thoughts. They change personalities, and to those we love the most become victims in our wake. Even as all this is going on pills become the most important thing in our lives. You start to lie and go to ER's you become a great actor you jump from Dr. to Dr. and then to Costa Rica through the internet to melt your charge cards. Don't worry about creating enourmous debt get the pills so you will feel better, get out of pain, fix depression and lonliness while we dwell in self pity. Some of us hit rock bottom or think we do then we take it to another level.
Sorry for rambling,
Sorry for rambling,
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