Good afternoon Creek,

I got a good laugh from your words "this beachtowel person"

still laughing, I'm glad someone has got some positive from my words.
The unfortunate thing about getting my age 51 is that you see and live things longer than others.
I didn't seek help until a Judge ordered me to at age 50.
36 years I felt like a nobody, I didn't care about a lot of things with my reputation, honesty was by convenience.
The crazy thing is I still feel 32 and miss getting high but the damage that I did to my family and friends was terrible in my years.
Core issues and baggage were my faults and is the reason why I got high.
When I read some of these posts some I want to strangle and some I want to hug, it is the nature of the beast.
Facing family members who were victims in your wake was the hardest thing I have ever done. Most of my family has forgiven me but not all.
I will just keep plugging away they say time heals everything.

good luck to you all

I feel like my last few words were a bit flipant (sp?) about my "enjoying" today...going off tomorrow...see what happens attitude.  I should really **** someone like you off by taking sobriety so wishee washee.

I DO WANT TO END THE CYCLE>>>Like I said tomorrow is not by choice.. it is just not happening because it can't.  I am tapped, I have nothing, they have nothing left to give me, and I know I will still want to figure out a  way tomorrow to make it happen.  SICK.

I hate it, don't ever get me wrong, I HATE IT.

P.S.  Actually...responding to yesterday's thread...that was my next question for you.  Tell me about below rock bottom when you are ready.  I too, will be 50 in a few years...when will I ever grow up and give that person I used to be a chance?  I don't know why I just said that I never used to be anyone...or atleast I can't remember if I was or not.  WHO AM I?  At this age you would think I could answer that.  

Peace~

Your words were fine you can't be serious every minute you will go crazy.
I thought I hit bottom many times, I wasn't even welcome at my parents home for a few years.
I ruined my credit for a few years.
All along doing 30 days here 60- or 90 there.
then a year, after a year I was really good for 12 yrs. I even got my ass degree in business as a paralegal.
Through many years of addiction and lost with nobody to ask for help and not knowing where to look even if I found it I blew my back out in 2000
I was given 180 per 10's and 60 oxy 40's a month for two years and change. I was now a full blown addict. I had restored my credit and a Visa and Mastercard really put me in the toilet. I started ordering my own pills from Costa Rica to Florida where they were loaded on FedX and brought to my home on four acres in Ann Arbor Michigan three times a week for another two years. When I burned up those credit cards and hospital hoping made my face like Jesse James and a drug seeker I know went illegal and started doing things that put me in front of a very pissed off judge.
I stood in front of this judge a 122lbs at 6 foot tall. My mother crying in the courtroom while doing some time I decided to get clean. Many things happened during this time including my core issue my father dying of cancer. Something clicked inside of me and decided to face up to my addiction and charge recovery with all my might. Many things have tried to stop me but I won't allow myself to be stopped.
I have plans now to help others and myself, its to early to mention at this time.
I still fight depression and cravings two things that could knock me off the wagon easily. I use the tools that I learned about in recovery and the strength of my insane father to help me achieve my goals and I won't let anyone stop me even that voice that still whispers in my ear...

Sorry for rambling