Thank you both so very much. I feel much better that I let it all out....I just am not this kind of person. Well not normally, then again I forget what normal really is.

I also upon waking today and re-thinking last night and what I did...was in a moment of weakness, and if I offended this person who is a recovering addict themselves then I can't change that. I did what I did, and I guess maybe this person does not understand my extent of my addiction. I also can't change that. I am no way making excuses for what I did, but I did it and I can't sob over it. I am an addict..and sometimes I guess we would go that extreme measure if desperate enough. I don't think that what I did was the worst thing I have ever done, nor the worst thing anyone else has ever done. As beach so well put it, it could have been worse and I could have done something more degradable to myself than ASKING for some pills.
So I have to chalk it up as that. I can't allow it to consume me along with everything else I have going on at the moment. I am just very weak, and I wish that were nto true.
Thank you again both, and Minnie hun....you are the best! I will help you in anyway I am able, and anyone else here for that matter. Even though I am not perfect. :)
HUggs
Tracy

I first saw this post now, and maybe you won't even read it, but if anyone sees this I just have to say that when I first joined the forum, not knowing much and not being from the US you were the one who went out of your way to make me feel welcome and with great advice. You seem to be a wonderful caring person whi just like the rest of us are struggling with an addiction. As so many have said the last few days we all make mistakes and we have a lot of bad days which is why we turned to this forum in the first place. You have been a tremendous help to a lot of people.
Minnie  

i am so glad you had the guts to come back on and express what you did...that really took a lot of guts...makes me realize even more that this site is real and not fake...not just a bunch of sob stories...real experiences that connect us to one another...im sure over time this person will forgive you...just continue to hold to whom you are, and you will do great...

I just saw that post...LOL. Nope I am glad to say that I have not.
I am sorry to hear that you have!

Good nite to you also....you sleep well too.

Hope to see you all tomorrow morn!

Huggs
Tracu

I hate to be my blunt self but did you meet someone from this site who lived out of state, sleep with him get a bunch of pills and now you fell gulity???

Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....that is such a sad story. I am so sorry for you and all you went through...but on the upside, you really took back your life on your own! WHat an acomplishment that is in itself! And you went full force....college the whole 9 yards...good for you!

I remember now reading your story last week I think....or some of it in a post....WOW just an amazing story to share. Thank you for that.

I guess allot of times some of us should really thank the lord for being only at the stage we are right now...not that it is good we are addicts but a story such as yours....I just can't imagine the hell you must have went through and I am sure still struggle with now.

Wow...thank you again for sharing this with me, and also for talking me into staying here.

OMG no! No way.....but yes I did ask for pills..from a female at the time before I asked - friend.

I know....sad and what an idiotic move on my part.

I don't want sympathy, I should have known better....but I just had to get this out.

Thanks for listening.

Thank you hun..even though you do not know what I have done...but when you read this you will know.......and I am not so sure that this would be easily forgiven.

Hey, try not to feel too bad.  Everyone here is in a state of mental (and some physical) turmoil.  We are all going to make mistakes.  We are all going to do things we may regret out of desperation.
Some will forgive us, some won't.
Sometimes we will forgive ourselves, sometimes we won't.
It's not easy to think straight and make rational decisions, especially when you are going through such a hard time in your life.
It sucks that you may have lost a friend, but there are many more friends here.  I am pretty new here, but I value your presense at this site.  I hope you won't leave just because you screwed something up.
We all screw things up, but we have to find the lesson in our mistakes, and remember not to give up or run away.

Wow you have never done that as an addict?
In my addiction I drove states met women in Motels shared piles of drugs I always thought is was pretty normal for an addict and other addicts.

I had to reload my computer and change emails to get away from a few young ladies, the temptation would be to tempting otherwise.
That is one thing that sucks about recovery, people that I have been friends with for many years I had to ignore, I had to change my phone number, cell phone, emails etc.
an addict cannot associate with another addict in his or her recovery, your will power won't last.

Lonliness is a big part of recovery and a bigger part of relapse.....

WOW thank you both so much...I still feel like a pile of chit though. No I never have done anything really all that desperate for my pills. Except beg, and pay a ton of money for them!

What you have just put out here beach scares me. And that is I guess given enough time and as the addiction increases one will do just about anything to get what they are seeking. That is why we are called addicts.

Makes me think now....that COULD be me

goodnite, sleep well.......

When I read comments about hardcore street addicts here I wonder if people really know and have seen the stuff that I have lived.
The only way I could explain it in a nice way is could you imagine going out to party with Freddy Kruger litterally?

You know....thank you so much for being here tonight and helping me to feel better.

Grace, thelida..all of you. I feel alot better now.
I still feel very bad for what I asked of my friend....but I feel better that I got it out and had you guys/gals here to listen and help me through.

I can't thank you enough!

Tracy

What you did tonight was very normal for an addict.
A hard core addict (female) would of went to the street and used her body to get the pills and that is very sad.
I am not saying your a girl scout but anytime you have it bad remember someone else has it much worse. I know it is no consulation to you but I just want you to know you feel guilt still, a hard core addict would of had no feelings about it!
Hang in there and keep fighting!!!

Your right...so very right. Thanks again so much hun....your words are wonderful and I think so are you!

Huggs
Tracy

Tracy your worth it, your special and don't you ever forget it.....

You know I wish I could of listed the bad stuff but I thought it better to leave it out.
I left out a ton, but some things in life is better left to a more confidenal platform.
There are a lot of bad things that happen in the drug world to addicts who lay in bed with the devil and get high.....

Well...Of course I HAD to come back in....I will say what I did...it's not so much what I did but what I asked for.

I really don't need to spell it out, I am sure you all will know what I mean. I asked for something, and I think by my doing that may have caused this person to feel that I only befriended them for this reason.
I didn't and I was in a desperate mode, and I don't know what I was thinking to ask such a thing. Not to mention this person doesn't even live in this state. So this would have been illegal for us to even do, which I really did not think about how big of a deal it was at the time. I think I only thought about myself, and what I would do if I were asked.
I don't know me anymore at all......I just simply don't.
Now this person will no longer speak to me...and it is my own fault. I am ashamed to say the least. But this is a place of Honesty so I have let it out...I could not rest laying in bed, so I came back on.  I just do not want to face what I have done or what I have become. I can say this....it is a huge wakeup call to me. It was bluntly said..this relationship is terminated and not to contact this person again ever.
None the less, I understand how upset this could make someone. But again, I can't change it, and I have NO idea what I was thinking, at all.
But I do know I have lost a good friend and really have let them down, and over what? This damn addiction. I have no more excuses, I don't want to have anymore excuses, I just want this whole battle to GO AWAY....but I KNOW for that to happen I MUST suffer it out.....no other way.
I'm sorry everyone.

I have so much I'll try to give you the highlites. Putting myself between my Mom and Dad who I thought was going to hurt her really bad was very difficult on me. For doing little things wrong I would get thrown down basement stairs and many times my face would be a bloody mess. I was very passive and shy then and had no idea what to do or how to find relief then my good buddy asked me to try pot. When I smoked I the hurt and fear that I lived in went away. The problem with pot is it is a gateway drug. From there I went to Tuenols, Secinals, 714 Roars, and Reds. They were everywhere at my highschool. On the downers I wasnt afraid of my dad and started to inherit his temper. I started fighting back but the effects to my personality and his constant yelling that I would never be nothing and I was a frigging sissy I should of been a broad.
Then LSD, Mescaline, THC, Angel Dust I just keep trying more and more. The British invasion came to the us and Acid, pot and going to rock concerts was a blast.
I graduated and went into the Navy, just to run away from my father. I told the Recruiter just get me as far from Detroit as possible. He asked how is sandiego and I signed the paper.
There I met the next level of drugs Morphine, Hycomine, Hycodane, and then finally Heroin. We were so close to Mexico it was everywhere.
When I got out of the service total 18 months I drove back to detroit a junkie and did my W/ds driving home from California in the car. It was terrible and then I got back to detroit broke, no place to stay I went home right back into the nightmare of my core issues.
I ran out of there and lived in shelters, hung out on the streets with drug people, slept in cars for years.
I did a lot of Heroin during this time. Then I met a new drug in the 80's that grew tremendous in popularity. Cocaine and Crack and I jumped in both feet. I became a great thief, I hung out with crack heads and we stole stores blind. Two more years of this and then I finally crashed and got locked up for a six months.
I got out went right back to cocaine and got busted again as a thief and this time a judge gave me a year in jail. I got out and 12 years went by then I blew out my L-5 S-1 I had no insurance and was mainly treated in ERs.
This went on for years. I got a good job at Fords got credit cards and found a site in costa Rica and starting ordering strong narcotic pain pills by the buckets. 90 tabs three times a week for 2.5 yrs. when I burned my cards out and was layed off from Fords I started stealing pills I can't say how.....
in 2005 I had three felony charges against me which i am done with now. Two rehabs including a six month very intense drug and behavior rehab. During my time in this second rehab my father died of cancer and something clicked in me. I calm that I can't explain came over me and I really started to focus on recovery. My aniversery date is Nov. 26 2005 of being sober. I now have an associates degeee in business and just went back to college to get my Bachelors degee as a paralegal.
I attend frequent NA and I think this site is great.
I have a ton to share for those who will listen and I hope that you stay and we can share for months to come.
Did I answer your question ok....?

vicaddict
2/21/2007
C7  Beach You know something..I have been wanting to ask this..but I am sure it is a B**ch to write it all over again. I was MIA when you came here so I do not know of your experince/s.

Would you mind sharing with me your story? Or is that too much to handle? I understand if it is...I was just curious and I love to read from everyone's experiences and or stories of their addiction. I find it very helpful and it also gives me a sense of "knowing" the person behind the writing.

If anything, maybe even copy and paste from your past post, or let me know where it is and what it is labled? I am sure it is wayyyy back yonder, LOL.
Again if it will upset you in anyway, I understand if you do not want to share.

Thank you much!
Tracy

Tracy, the only thing that I can think of worse than how you think that you could push someone away from this site with all the kindness and compassion that your share would be for you to feel this guilt and leave yourself.
I think your making a mistake and many people on this site will suffer greatly without reading your words anymore!!!!

please reconsider and sleep on it, its a funny thing how something after a good nites sleep can look very different the next day.

Michael