It's still so surprising to me how very stupid I can be and how I can actualy convince myself into believing that I'm not in danger of relapsing regardless of whatit is albeit cigs or coffee or anything excessive for that matter.  
Right now I'm at 2 7.5's every 4 hours and every 3 days I am dropping a half a pill so hopefully when I get down to 1/2 a pill or 1/4 of a pill every 4 hours, when I run out (because I refuse to go see another dr to get more) I will not withdraw that badly.
Since my daughter is feeding less because of solid foods, I try to time my medication. The medication barely gets into my milk as I've been told but I'm still sick over all of this.
I know addiction.  I completely turned my life around before I got married and got pregnant and to be where I am right now is so troubling so say the least.
BUT, I have a strong faith in God and even though I cannot get to many AA meetings anymore, I find this site is the next best thing.
Both my husband and I have struggled with addiction in our lives both with ourselves and with other family members.
I just want to be tired again from life not pills and to feel again like any other person.  I walk around and look at people and wonder how they go about their lives without medications...... I hate being in this place again.
I just want to not have to count pills, wonder where I'm getting the next one from and plan my life around them.
My daughter deserves better.  I don't remember who I was before the pills anymore.
I want to appreciate and love every moment with her even when I get 3 hours of sleep because 4am means play time to her like last night. LOL
Thanks for listening.  
Everyone here, even when we "lose it" is an inspiration and if you guys can do it, I can too.  
I used to thank God for my alcohol addiction.  It was strange when I shared that at meetings but my addiction and subsequent recovery made me who I am.  It made me (at one time) a person who rationally thought about things (most times), a person who had a conscious contact with my higher power, a person who cared about and helped others, a person who appreciated everything she had the good and the bad and a person who was always striving to see the message and understand that I was never given more than I could handle.
I am striving to be that person again so I can teach my daughter to be that person without having to travel down the road I've traveled.
Thanks for listening AND GOD BLESS.

You can't be beat yourself up...you know what you are dealing with now and you have a baby girl to motivate you.  It sounds like you have made up your mind to take the right steps and you have the tools (AA) to be successful!  Life is so short (I'm 44 with 4 children) and I never had an issue with addiction until 2 1/2 yrs ago.  This is my 3rd detox (Day 14 c/t) and I pray I have learned a lesson but I'm not kidding myself, I know I am an addict and it is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.  You have the will and resolve to do this for you and your family! Stay strong and I will pray for you all!
Peace
Marcie

Girl i know exactly what you mean, i've been going thru this pill addiction for over 5yrs, since my 2nd daughter was born and they do deserve so much better. I thought i was the only one who looked at other people, like on t.v., or on the street and wonder "wow, what a lucky life they have so happy living life w/ out pills to get them thru". you posting that you have those same thoughts makes me feel better :) anyways i'm 32yrs mother of a 10yr and 6yr little girls.

a little about me so you dont have to search thru 100 posts to hear my story: i have endometriosis and hysterectomy at 27, i suffer w/ chronic pain from scar tissue and adhesions. after my youngest was born i went into severe post-partum depression. drs said it cme on from a painful pregnancy and delivery. i had been takong pain meds off and on throught the yrs, but when they started prescribing my high doses every month it didnt take long for me to become an addict. i feel like i've lost 5yrs of my life to counting pills, thinking about pills and of course being on pills. there are several reasons why i began abusing them (at one time i was taking 30 10mg lorcets a day) so said i had to take 3-4 in bed and wait 20 min b4 i could even get up. i went c/t after that, the worse experience of my life and of course didnt learm ,my lesson. i've detoxed twice and failed, this is my 3rd time and i'm making progress, went c/t and have had a few slips. you can IM me anytime on yahoo my ID  tink1517

I'm a work in progress....
Congrats on your 14 days!

Hey...I think you and I must be on the same schedule!!  I see you here as much as me! We ARE addcits!!!!lol I just wish I could get on IM (my kids are on constantly!) because I would love to have more real conversations with people.  It sounds like you are doing ok...lots of chit hittn' the fan the other day...i hope you're feeling better...you have helped so many here...I've had my share of bad days too...I tend to keep to myself which probably isn't healtlhy either. I am usually not a confrontational person but at my worst in w/d I wanted to hit or scream at anything in my path! Not a pretty picture!!!!!!
Have a peaceful day!
Marcie

WOW.... I too have endometriosis and before I got pregnant had the most horrific periods.  I still haven't had one since I gave birth in Sept and I am dreading it because what will I do for the pain but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I just want to scream sometimes....
And then.... I watch my daughter sleeping like now, and I want to cry.

girl, if your anything like me, i'll be completely honest w/ you. its a huge struggle, the pain for me can become unbearable, yet i always end up abusing my meds. This time around i moved from FL to WI and left my girls in FL w/ their dad, i get them in march. i have so much support here. since i screwed up my first 2 detoxes, i'm approaching this one different. i know me and my body, and am being honest w/ myself and my family. i know i will always have a need for pain meds, as drs ahve told me nothing else ofr me but pain management. but in order for me to take them responsibly, i ahve to detox myself live w/ the pain and retrain my brain to know the difference from "real pain" and mental pain, the mind loves to say its in pain to feed the addiction. so when i feel i'm ready, i will go to dr and get another script, who knows it might not be a year before i'm ready. since i detoxed c/t, my pain has flared up from working and it HURTS!!! but i did this to myself and have to deal w/ it now. my oldest daughter told me b4 xmas "she wanted her old mommy back" waht a wake up call for me!!! i was already tired of this "monkey on my back"
and her words hit me HARD... you to have a beautiful child who deserves a mommy, i had that SuperMom complex for yrs, the pills made me feel like i could do it all... my daughter sure proved me wrong. you are here, posting, admitting your addiction and headed in the right direction. thats something for you to be proud of. i always say take "BABY STEPS" you'll get there, and if you slip, it doesnt mean you have to fall. thats why we take baby steps....

Wow - when you said, "I walk around and look at people and wonder how they go about their lives without medications......" I do the same thing.  I think the withdrawal is more scary when you think about it too much.  Just know it's not going to be as good as you feel when you're on but your going to become an alive feeling person again, and you'll be able to really be with your kid.

When I got sober from alcohol and cocaine, I did so because I never wanted tohave children while addicted to any substance and I wanted a clear head.  It took me 5 years to be "ready" or as ready as I would ever be, now this.
I am trying very hard to do what I have to do.  I don'thavemuch helo as my husband works all the time so I have to really try and minimalize the w/d.  As I sit here typing this I have all my pills in apile and I'm abot to start putting my daily dose in baggies and label them......
Part of me already said "maybe I can double up on Sat (cause I have a family function and in my mind I'm not social without them) and then take one fromthe next day.
It's crazy because I remember my very first outing when I got sober from alcohol.  It was a wedding and I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams how I could ever go to a wedding without drinking, now I can't imagine drinking.
Thanks everyone.....
  

hey girl...i must say you are brave...and just remember that your child and your husband are the most important things in your life...not the drugs...even though your body says they are...that little girl loves you so much, and she only wants the best for you...i get up everyday and move on bc i know my girls love me, and for that i am grateful...if i didnt have them, who knows if i would even be here...just keep the connection with your husband, and you can make it...

question...is your husband an addict?

Rachael sound beautiful just by the way you describe her.

Like you and your husband, my wife and I met on the same when we were 13 years old...on the same swim team.  We've now been married 44 years.

When I come home at night, and I see that my suitcase and dog are not sitting on the front porch, I figure I get to stay one more day/night with my wonderful wife.  

Now...I just know you are going to get through this drug addiction.  Please...lean on us and let us give you support and reassurance.  Remember, nothing good happens fast...it takes time.

George
Day 27

This epitomizes what this site is about.
Core Issues brought to the fore front. Girlybuff I commend you for honesty your on your way to recovery..
Hang in there.......
By the way my idea for an NA online meeting was overwhelming with positive responses.
Download Yahoo Messenger if you want to...
Hopefully next week one day everyone here at this site can share in a NA form via yahoo messenger.
I will host from my computer and would love everyone here to join... I think it would be good

Thanks to the many already who have given me there yahoo messenger user names. My messenger is on if you want to join my friends list type in   beachtowel1

Thanks for sharing Girlybuff........