sorry you are having one of those days.. wish i could do more to help.. but i am a mess today as well.

sorry. I can't even ask for help or talk today.  I am a mess.  I hate this.  I can't do this. And I don't want  anyone to answer me and tell me I can. I can't   I just can't I am sick and tired and need a pill.  Period.  Sorry everyone..  I don't even know why I am posting.

It's gotta be the day...I'm not feeling to "upbeat" either. Just know that I'm thinking and praying for you both! Hugs ;)

OK get it together... Really, you can't, you have completly given up?.. I am not gonna give you the "you can do it" pep talk.. YOU KNOW you CAN do it.. you have been doing.. even kicking and screaming but you have.. you have almost 2 weeks under you belt.. now you are gonna give up??

OK...tears..thank GOD for you.  I am such a fuckin mess FLaddict!!!!!

YOU are STRONGER than you even know..I envy your courage. LIke I said Its almost been 2 weeks. If its tough love you need than i can dish it out.. it seems the case. i hope i didn't come off too strong but I am gonna keep giving you my strength until you have you own..

Thanks, I am unable to stop crying.  I am such a fuckin mess.  I hate this so much and I hate myself so much, and I can't believe I have been in this vicious cycle for so long.  I have isolated myself so much that no one would ever know my pain.  I am so sad right now.  So I just act "sick" and spend another day not living.

Hey there- no sermons from me- won't say you 'can' cuz someone else already pointed out that you HAVE, and that you KNOW you can.  Ok, won't say it.

You're a couple weeks along?  I'd trade my less-than-3-days for your several weeks!  I dunno was an attempt to laugh a bad idea?

Would it help or hurt to hear me whine a little about how I feel like giving up too?  Seriously, I'm a fricken pansy compared to some of the people on here talking about having gone c/t from way more dosage than me. I went 26hrs and caved, took a half.  Then hit the internet and bought another bottle.

Yesterday I had a second fit of convulsions and vomiting, my girlfriend is gonna leave, I can see it in her eyes.  I wanna quit SO FARKING BAD - was it REALLY all that bad taking 5-8 little yellow pills every day?  REALLY?  I'm a farking mess, drowning in self-loathing and wanting to go back to who I was last week - happy and relatively numb. Beats this pain.

I'M TERRIFIED creek - so you ain't alone - maybe that's something?

I'm around if you need to chat - get me on IM, same screenname as here (DAnthrope) on all the IM's - or you can email me (but IM is best). And if you need to whine by phone that's ok too.  But I won't tell you that "you can do it" or spew platitudes at you.  I'll listen and share my own story, and help you say you can to yourself - that's the only way it'll matter.

Peace - what positive energy I can muster is headed your way NOW
/D

You are no longer isolated.. you have opened up to many here. that counts for something. we all know and feel your pain. cry all day. tears cleanse the soul. and add years to your life I hear. you are allowed to be a f-ing mess, You are less than 14 days off drugs. let yourself be a mess quit beating yourself up about not feeling 100% yet. this is your time to heal. I love you and care very much for you.. i am not letting you give up without a fight.. even if you kick and scream the whole time..


hugs..stephanie

Tears....tears...thank you stephenie.  Here is the thing,,it almost is PATHETIC that this is the only place I have friends.  ( nothing personal ofcourse,against anyone) But how sad is it that I run to a computer screen for support and I can't do anything for myself...just sit here and feel sorry.  I am sorry you are having a bad day too,

D/ thanks.  I know we are all TERRIFIED...I just usually can control it better.  I am such a mess today.  Can't stop trying to dial the phone....then hang up.....then dial the phone.... You may say Get out of the house...easier said than done when I haven't washed my hair or taken a bath in days.  I am at the bottom looking up today...for strength, for happiness, for love.  My heart is breaking.

If you want.. i am leaving for work in about ten min. i can give you my email and then send you my phone number.. everytime you wanna make "that" call. you can call me.. or text me if you have a cell phone. if i don't answer i am with a client. i can call you back or even just leave me messages..

Creek- lost most of my friends and family in the past year, nobody wants to be around an alcoholic doper like me. Who can blame them really? Lost everything I had, in bankruptcy, lost my best shot to take my band up a step. Shiat no wonder I lost all my friends.  I'm right there with you - HERE - looking for a friendly shoulder to drench with my tears.

I'm an old man, and feel like a whiney baby.  I cry so goddamn much I can't believe I managed to keep this job.  I come in unshowered unshaved looking like death.  

Creek try this - see if it helps just for a second or two - forget tomorrow, focus on NOW - don't think about how the f--k you'll get through the rest of the DAY today even - focus on NOW - get through the next five minutes without giving up - ok? That's ALL you have to do, just 5 minutes. Just take the next 5 minutes, one small baby step, get through those 5.  NOW - go find another post of mine to "damagedGoods" - I posted some lyrics - HUMOR ME!!!  Bear with me for 1 sec - just give this a shot - what do you have to lose?  Go read my post, read my lyrics, even if they're sh-t! Doesn't matter, just take a min and go check it out. On the way back to the forum index, check another post and you can read my story - maybe it'll help.  Then come back here.  

WE CAN MAKE IT MINUTE BY MINUTE - We don't have to know we can make it another day, just take each minute, and post here as often as you can.  Distract yourself from the pain.  That's my best advice-  and the ONLY WAY I'm making it through my 3rd day.  If you need to talk to someone, IM me (DAnthrope), if you need to talk, I'm a phone call away.

Peace
/D

my email is ***@**** use it i you want i will check it from work in a bit..

Believe it or not, you sound like your in a good place for Recovery to work right now.  EVERYONE I know who has found sustained Recovery from addiction has first gone through the point of spiritual and emotional desperation that seems to be yours at the moment.  EVERY SINGLE ONE.

I hit that point on the night of June 19, 2005.  It was Day 12 of not using.  

I thought at first that I had gone crazy, I KNEW I was falling apart.  I started to cry and I COULD NOT STOP.  I cried and I cried and I cried.  My entire body shook in a way that I did not know was possible.  I thought I was sobbing out the very essence of ME and it seemed like if I couldn't stop somehow that I would be swallowed up by the universe.

It was that evening when I gave up.  I quit.  Every bit of the fight was taken out of me.  I was done.  I was beaten.  It was over.  I surrendered.

It was at that point that I did what for me seemed really crazy, I begged God for help with my Addiction & Recovery.  I also had to beg for with faith, because I was basically an agnostic.

I didn't know it at the time, but I was taking a big plunge into Step 2: "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." (That step is exactly the same for NA & AA)

As I look back on that evening now (and for some time), I think that I was not so much falling apart as I was finally falling together.

Creek you there?
You make it through those five minutes ok?
I was in the bathroom heaving, sorry for the delay.

Get back here and talk to us dammit :-)

/D

Creek-
Don't worry.  I am having a melt down too.  Where would we be with out this forum?

I'd all alone.

About- the prev. post---"Who are we?"
I would love to find a ways to slowly figure out who I really am.  My so called friends will probably bail.
But I have a ominous feeling. I already take meds for high blood pressure.  I feel like something isn't right.  I have kids that need me.
I feel like I could die of a broken heart. Kinda like Anna nicole.  (did she die of phenomena?)
Just because I am so frickin weak.  I need help.

Hey I am really sorry I bailed on everyone there for awhile.  I can't stand being this hopeless.  BUT I MADE IT THROUGH THE LAST HOUR...ONLY BECAUSE of this forum and YOUR WORDS.  Seriously, I was out the door until FLaddict and the rest of you talked me through it.  YES I WILL TRY< I WILL TRY ONE MORE DAY>  that is all the further I can think.  
All the posts about where everyone is at...well, that means a lot to me.  THANKYOU you for saying maybe I am finally "falling together" instead of falling  apart.  That comment is what I am hanging on to today and the others as well...kicking, screaming, cussing, doesn't matter...some of you just won't let me go.  THANK YOU
THANK GOD FOR YOU>

Peace~

Creek that's REALLY great to see (er, read)!!!  I've been crashing this afternoon. Hope I was able to help just a little before I did though.
Gonna see what tomorrow brings, not ready to quit just yet either.

Peace
/D

Thanks.  I am not ready to give up today either.  Guess that is what we will both do..NOT GIVE UP TODAY.  Stay the course for one more day.

Peace~

WORD.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing some of Oxy's dreamcatchers, it's given me something to think about besides being in agony!

Gotta get outta here, starting to twitch and sweat, can't drive that way.
I'll be on later.

Peace
/D

I have been hearing the phrase "One Day at a Time" since my significant problems with alcohol first came to EVERYONE'S attention back in about 1981.  It always seemed like SUCH **** to me!  A weak mental trick, no more effective than setting your watch ahead 10 minutes so you'll always be a little ahead of schedule.  GIVE ME A BREAK - if my watch was 10 minutes fast I knew I had 10 extra minutes and if someone told me to stop drinking one day at a time I knew they meant F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Then at the end of June 2005 I was meeting with a counslor(who is also in Recovery) at my Rehab.  I was very worried about relapse.  Actually, I was scared to death that I would relapse and I just couldn't see how it was possible that sooner or later I wouldn't relapse.  I mean, come on - how could I NOT relapse?

I will never forget the mental 'click' that took place.  The counslor asked me: "Are you going to use today?"  I told her "no."  She pressed me: "How do you know - maybe you will?"  "No," I told her, "I don't know how I know, but I can tell you that I'm not going to run off and get something and use it today."  She just just smiled at me and said: "Well then you're fine.  That's all you need to worry about - TODAY."

I was really floored, because it hit me and I said: "You mean when you guys say One Day at a Time, you REALLY mean One Day at a Time?"  She really smiled and said "yup!"

There have been a lot of days since then when I only got through the then-current day by putting off the actual use or suicide (there were many mornings when it seemed the only rational thing to do) until tomorrow.  There were many times when I was really going to do it the next day, because I had HAD IT and I was positive that I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.  But since then I have always been able to get through the rest of TODAY.

The One Day at a Time approach from AA and NA is not new wisdow.  I'm at best luke warm when it comes to Jesus in the role of my Higher Power, but I can't deny the wisdom of his advice on this topic: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34