What kind of scam am I running here

Question

DENIAL.  That is what happens when that full bottle of pills goes to half then a quarter, then a few..then panic.  I am in denial that this roller coaster ride isn't killing me.  This is what I HATE...never having enough, never feeling high enough, and always chasing it, until I take so many pills I can't see straight.  I used to be so productive...oh man, give me some vics and I'll paint the freakin house.  Now I can't do **** on or off them and I sit, pace, space out, and then the day is over...On to the next day of the same ****.

I watched a tv show once where a lady admitted she took 20 vics a day...ha I said.  never would that happen to me.  How could anyone possibly function on that amount of narcs.  Well, I passed that up a while ago and now I understand how easy it is to deny I am taking more and more and more.  And then the frustration of watching that bottle empty as nothing, I mean nothing gets done.  

When does it become unmanagable??  Well I have learned from the forum that it is certainly different for everyone.  WHY am I so bullheaded and stubborn?  I deny, deny, deny...when in my heart I know it is the painfull truth..I am out of control and the only way to get my life back is to be sober.  It will never be enough from here on out.  That is a fact... I am an addict...anything, nothing!! is never !!!  enough!!!  Tell me how your day is going everyone, I will be on to listen.  Peace~

Peete1974 · Answer

I hear you 150%.  I am exactly where you are right now.  I take percs but I'll tell you I feel just like you do.  I could have written your post myself.  And that bottle is almost empty...again!!!  I am panicking and at the same time I want to quit, need to quit, but somehow I just can't seem to do it.  I've had the withdrawal and it is absolute hell.  I don't know if I can go through that again and yet I know that I will have to if I want to get my life back.  I am just so damn scared.  This bottom that everyone talks about, I have thought I've hit it a hundred times and yet I'm still taking at least 20 percs a day.  I know in my heart that I will stop, what I don't know is when or what it will take.  I know that I want to and need to but I can't seem to find the strength.  Hang in there somehow we will get through this.  I'll keep you in my prayers.

Peete

creek · Answer

Isn't that the truth???  The buzz will always be there ...just TRY the new way.  YOU HAVE TO KNOW how much it means to me (all of us) when you say things like.  I was around "normal people" (us addicts get that phrase) and I didn't feel the guilt or tell the lies.  Guilt and lies I am an expert at.  Anyway, when you say it does feel GREAT, it feels BETTER THAN THE guilt, pain, regret, dishonesty...well that is exactly what I need to hear.  I want to know and enjoy that for myself. I want LIFE to be better than the numbnesss I choose now.   I want to look back and say these were confusing times but i am not wasting one more minute stressing about how I can feed my addiction.  (That i have made clear, can never be fed to satisfaction).  Yes, I want to be on the other side of the fence, I have been straddled too long on the top not knowing where to plant my feet.  I feel joy and great energy from you.  I thank God I have met people, they have crossed my path for a reason, to share these words you shared today.   Thank you

creek · Answer

Thanks you guys.  I know I sound like a broken record, but LIZZIE that is really the question isn't it.  I think I am procrastinating by "helping" others, then I don't have to look too far within.    Clay what  you said about rock bottom is interesting and we have had that debate on the forum before.  Do you crash and burn, have a spiritual awakening, or do some of us (as you) actually say one day....enough is enough. .. I am through with drugs running my life.

Of course I want to be strong enough to be that person.  I want to wake up one day and say enough!!!  But since strength nor willpower works for me I struggle when I think I am not faithful or religious enough and so I assume I must crash and burn before I will change.  These are frightening thoughts.  I don't want to lose my health, my work, my self-repect.  SO PLEASE EXPLAIN why I would not make a decision to HELP myself.  I'll tell you...drugs.  Plain and simple I am an addict and I can't (won't) put them down.

I sure know how to talk the talk...walking the walk is much more difficult.

construction · Answer

hey sweetie you dont have to let it come to crash and burn, i promise that if you can beat that first week of so,You will find a new life and a sense of selfworth, and hell yah its a b.tch but its worth it.Last night i had to work at my daughters gym(gymnastics) around a bunch of normal people and for the first time in many years i felt Equal to everybody else. No hiding behind lies and addiction and that was a great feeling that i cant explain. we get so wrapped up in this Sh.t that we loose sight of whats important. i have faith in you creek that you will give it a chance, and if you dont like the sober way you can always go back. my big problem was that i thought i was missing out on the buzz, but the buzz will always be there if thats what you choose.You have helped me through my first couple of weeks and i will be here for you.IM praying for you and all who are trying to overcome. Hope and prayers Clay TX

construction · Answer

hey creek i just made 26 days, and still feel my life is some what unmanageable it s a weird thing this recovery. I know when i took my 7 yr old to buy pills off the street that was the end for me. i never hit rock bottom but i was so sick of chasing the drs. i knew it was my time,i cut ties w/all my drs and street dealers and left on reservations.you will know when it is over and it sounds to me like its not that far off. its good to hear from you stay strong. Hope and prayers Clay TX

LIZZIE LOU · Answer

Confucious say:

"OUR GREATEST GLORY IS NOT IN NEVER FALLING BUT IN RISING EVERY TIME WE FALL"

construction · Answer

Does this mean your gona set a date to quit? I can hear it in your posts that you are a strong woman and are very smart. Put it to good use and say its over,the END. Maybe you should try to taper, I couldnt do that because i would just eat them all. my story is that i was on suboxone for 8 mths and was taking 2- 8mg a day w/no taper and got hooked on those too.finally i got to a real dr and did an out patience detox w/librium,sarquel,and cymbalta. He told me i had DDS or something, its depression. thats probally why ive been self medicating for 20 yrs. the cymbalta has helped me greatly and i would recommend if i could.Creek if i could overcome a 25-35 soma and lorcet a day habbit so can YOU! by the way im so glad that your posting again . Hope and prayers to all Clay TX

sosad5306 · Answer

I found what you had to say above to be very helpful!  I desperately need to hear that life really IS better on the other side.
I sit in class a lot and look at all the "normal" people and I wonder how they do it.  I picture them doing normal things like going to class, studying, doing laundry and I just can't imagine how someone could do those things without pills.  I guess they do.  
I am really happy for you that you are at day 26.  You have given your children and yourself a priceless gift!
Thanks for sharing with all of us here who are still trying to beat this shitty beast!

LIZZIE LOU · Answer

you know girl that i, personally, don't know what you are going through.  i wish i had the magic words...knew what to say...other than "you can do it"...you've heard that a million (+1) times.

i guess i want to know the answer to what you are asking yourself.  why are you so bull-headed and stubborn?  

why can you not have the courage to reclaim your life?...to put yourself in charge instead of letting the pills control your every move.

i think it was beachtowel that told oxysbliss to look in the mirror...do you like what you see?  i can see you through your posts and i see someone who is caring and sympathetic to others...wanting to help everyone else...but not yourself.

so ask yourself creek...why are you so bullheaded and stubborn?

huggs,
kim

What kind of scam am I running here

You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community