just so you know you will definately have to go through this again....maybe not even once but many more times and you could end up like me 11 years later lots of kids and I can't remember them as babies. Finish this up and move on. You will be fine

I can't say much because I'm using one pill a day sweetie.  But if you can go out, sit in a comfy chair outside and read a book.  Or just keep posting and I'll sit here and talk you outta it.  Did u say you went to out treatment place?  Did they give you a number to call?  Call them, they definitely will talk to you if you need help sweetie.  I'm here for you!!!  You are doing great!! Luvs you always, Lil.

Singha, thank you.  That point about not remembering our kids as babies really hit home for me.  I feel like I have wasted a lot of precious time with the pills instead of my 2 year old.  That sucks...
Lil Rab, I know you feel that too b/c you talked about pushing you kids away and I did the same thing a lot.  
I don't really know what to say b/c I just feel this way, part of me and then the other part, the rational, non-addict part screams NOOOO!!!!  I feel nuts and like I have 2 personalities that are contantly at war with each other and I mean constantly.
Yes, I am in outpatient rehab but I don't really want to talk to them at least not at the moment.  Everything just feels like too much work today.
Also, I have these dreams at night.  Last night it was about my ex (my son's father) and the dreams about him being with other girls and I get all of the old feelings rushing back.  I picked up vics hard when he left me last August and have never been the same since.  I drowned all of those feelings and a lot of others as well and I feel like they are overwhelming me now.
In outpatient, my detox nurse told me that your brain kind of stops developing emotionally while using drugs.  You will always be at the place where you started until you get clean, you won't grow or deal with things properly.

yeah the children part always hits home with me.  I was on so many pills I didn't want them to bring me down.  But now that I have most of them outta my system, I LOVE THEM and MY HUBBY all over again.  My hubby and I have fallen in love all over again and it's great.  I love it.  Take time with your child sosad, it's actually the best remedy.  Just look into her eyes and say I love you, works wonders.  I don't know if you remember my post a while back, but I sang a song to my 5 year old and looked into her eyes, and she was looking back at me with her big brown eyes and it brought so much feeling back to me that I started crying.  She was like "why are you crying mommy" and I said "because you make me so happy sweetie".  Boy I've been cryin a river lately lol.  I'm here for ya sweetie!!  Luvs, Lil.

Okay, now that made me want to cry!!!  Damn feelings again..AHHH! Makes me crazy!