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Hi all.  It seems as though things have improved here lately....still a little drama but nothing like a few weeks ago. I am seeing so much caring and compassion here again and the main goal for everyone which is to get into recovery and stay there!  I've been in a bad place the last few days so I haven't posted as much. I've been angry and close to posting some unkind things to people on this forum that were totally undeserving! And I was so close to picking up again after 9 weeks of being clean (except 1 slip a little over a week ago)!  This recovery thing is the hardest thing I think I've had to deal with in my life!  I feel like two people! (Someone actually pointed this out to me! You know who you are!) The addict Marcie and who I like to think I am and can be!  The addict is always in my head and becomes strongest when I least expect it! I have been fighting back and forth all weekend to get a refill from my Dr.  If I do this I would be deceiving my husband, my children and myself into thinking "It will be different this time!" I just can't control this and I am fighting going to meetings. I know what I have to do but I am so afraid to go!  I should be more afraid of what will happen if I don't!  Just wanted to post and hope that all of you struggling with staying clean will realize that our fight is just beginning and that we have to stay aware of our recovery and never take it for granted. 

Happy Easter and may God give me and all here the strength to do what we have to do!

Peace to you all,
Marcie

weaklink7 · Answer

Hang in there...you are one of my inspirations!!!!!!

Marce4 · Answer

Hey you!  Day 6 is awesome...you should start to get a little better as each day goes on. You are strong and deserving of this and I know you will succeed! Be proud of your success so far and keep it going! Are you thinking of going to meetings?  I know that I HAVE to go or I will slide backwards! I am going to go back to the meeting that i went to last year tomorrow at 12N.  I just told my husband and he didn't realize the demons that I've been dealing with the last two days. I still didin't tell him about my slip but he knows I've been struggling the last few days! It's too hard to hide this!

Happy Easter and thanks for the song earlier....I tear up  everytime I hear Louis  Armstrong sing that! 

Be proud and strong ok? You are a sweetheart!
Peace to you always!
Marcie

avisg · Answer

Marcie,
Just take it day by day ..This is the first weekend in months I have not been high ,That used to be something I dreaded A weekend without a pill what ever would I do ...Well I found out what I would do spend time with my kids ,go get easter candy ,color eggs.I need to learn that I am an great person without the pill. the pills dont make me ....I am my own person. I hope you have a great Easter .......Stay strong ....
Avis

Mariyah2 · Answer

I have missed you!! I am on day 6 and it is such a struggle. The things that go through my mind about pills are something else. I could honestly think of making a movie of the struggle we go through. I fantasize of finding a full bottle of pills, Oh yeah.....like I would forget that I had them. I used to count how many I had left each time after taking pills. I think this is going to be a long road for me. I am just going to accept it and hopefully will see this through. When I found this board 2 months ago you were the person that helped me to make the decision to quit. If anything goes wrong in my life...I want to grab that pill. I worry all the time about where I am at now in my personal and professional life. I don't know what the future is going to bring and I have to be strong in order to deal with it. You are so honest and funny....you have made me laugh so many times. I also would like to type at people that annoy me. I used to do this at work.....when I was annoyed I would copy and past the e-mail to my Microsoft Word and answer that person the way I would like to, it got pretty ugly but was very funny. It gets my frustation out...LOL. Please stay strong for your family....I know that is your hearts desire. Keep smiling my friend and if you have any extra chocolate from the Easter bunny....I can e-mail you my address, LOL. I am loving sweets lately!!

I hope you have a wonderful, loving and peaceful Easter.

God Bless,
Mariyah

singha · Answer

same to you sweetie, have a nice weekend.

creek · Answer

I hope your Easter is filled with love and family gatherings.  You are a fighter....you are an inspiration...and you know I consider you my angel.  You were here when I needed you most and you always have unconditional love for me.  I have never met a more funny, strong, compassionate person in my life.  Thank you for posting today and giving us such hope.  We have faith in you marce.  You make a difference in my life and your successful recovery status gives us all FAITH that we can do it too. Love ya girl  peace to you

sosad5306 · Answer

Good to hear from you.  I am sorry you are going through a hard time, but just know that your feelings are totally normal.
I went to my first NA meeting this week and I said the same thing, that I feel like I have two personalities or two voices in my head that at war with each other constantly...

phony · Answer

Thank you and you have a Happy Easter too.

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