oxysbliss,
yeah sometimes alone is good however not on holidays.I am sorry you are hurting . I hope your day gets better as it goes.I realize sometimes however it does not and we just have to try to hold on ...I have been there where I have needed to take things min by min and it sucks .somehow we make thru and a new day come and its a bit better ...... I hope this helps a bit .....
Avis

I'm sorry you are going through a tough time and I know how holidays in particular can compound those feelings.
Remember not to be too hard on yourself.  You really can't help the way you feel.  It's huge that you can be honest with yourself.  I think that is very important...it keeps a person grounded.

Thanks folks,
I dont know how to be happy on a day like today, I try, I did the turkey dinner thing with my cousins and ALL THEIR KIDS yesterday.....I held one of my cousins...Thats just really hard...I have this always emptiness inside and it hurts..and sometimes when I dont catch myself I go on this hating trip for my ex...When in reality..That isnt good..I dont want to be there with him. He does hwat he does for whatever reasons.....those are his own and he has felt no need to let me in on that...regardless if I think its immature or not...Those are his feelings...and they are just as valid as mine. Even though we dont see eye to eye.
I guess in some way. he would get that ya know, Im not there to hurt him, Im not there to TAKE THE KIDS FROM HIM...though, I fear thats what hes afraid of...so instead he makes my kids hate me..and tell them I left them I am no where to be found...and perhaps he can keep them longer...

it isnt fair and it hurts like ******* hell....Ive suffered enough, Ive been robbed enough....and yet...theres nothng I can do but sit back and wait...and try to sort out these things on my own....