But Lizzy, are you ok? I am so sorry for you. You can hear the pain in your words. Kids have a way of affecting the wall the we have built around our hearts don't they? We love them so much and they just don't understand. They will when they have kids but that isn't good enough. I am sorry...

I feel like i am one of your sons for what ive put my own mother through. I really dont have an answer for you other than im a selfish person that was lost his happiness through drugs. i could blame it on anything and could justify it, im an addict. I do know that you are strong and a loving mother to your sons and you shouldnt have to go through all of this. I pray that good things happen for you Love Clay

christian...you are a crystal meth addict and your addiction will take your life one day.  do you care that this drug influenced you to make some of the most horrible decisions of your life?  do you care that this drug influenced you to have unprotected sex?  do you care that you now have HIV? do you care that you may have infected others?  do you care that your life will be cut short because of this?  and mostly DO YOU CARE WHAT THIS HAS DONE TO ME?

davis...you are a recovering crack addict and this drug caused you to make some horrible decisions.  do you even care?  do you care that we have spent well over $100,000.00 dollars on rehab for you in the last two years?  do you care that you lost all your friends because of crack?  do you care that the love of your life finally had to say goodbye?  DO YOU CARE WHAT THIS HAS DONE TO ME?
davis...you had a whole new life awaiting for you in Taos, New Mexico.  we bought you a condo and furnished it.  you have a job waiting for you in the best art gallery there.  you made new friends...and mostly you were living a clean and sober life...and was proud of it.  seventeen months...all down the drain...and why?  for a few beers and a good time.  because of your probation, and the first offender status you received...those few beers will cost you 5-10 years of your life.  DO YOU CARE WHAT THIS WILL DO TO ME?
my dear sons,  i have done the best that i knew how to do.  you grew up in a wonderful loving family...and for so many years we were the "cleavers"...the perfect little family.  but what went wrong?  what made you choose the easy way out.  what do you think our family would have been like if i had done the same?
i love you boys with every cell in my body and i try so hard to understand...understand addiction...but i can't for the life of me find the answers.  i can't understand why...if you can't do this for yourself...why you cant do it for me.
i will always love you my dear sons...
mom

my thought in sharing my letter to my sons with you is that maybe those of you who are still struggling will stop and think what your addiction has done to others.  we are the ones who pay the price in the long run.  we are the ones who bare the burden.  we are the ones who lives this with you.

if you can't do this for yourself...please do it for the ones you love.

i luv you guys,
kim

One smart lady! Strong and smart and I bet you are just beautiful! Your beauty lies within....

I remember a time that I heard words so simlar from my own mother to me. I read her Diary once before...I saw alot...and it tormented me....and from my stand point....I wanted to go even more..and suffer in only an addict can...

An addicts suffering doesnt always come from where ever, or if we can even figure it out or how long it takes to figure out....and sometimes it takes years..

All I can tell you is what my own mother has done with me. She has distanced herself I can understand and not understand....However, everyone needs their space and their own way of assessing whats going on..all you can do girl...is pray, take care of yourself and let it go. Its hard and it more than hurts like hell I can only imagine and really fear I one day feel the same as you now..with my own children someday...its a possiblity ya know...

My mom has continued to work on her own issues though, and she has been just taking care of herself and going thru her own motions of her healing, apart of that healing is letting me go. I can understand that.

I hope some of this helps or at least my benefit, all anyone can do is be there with you thru out all of it....Hang in there..pray, write, do your own healing..and tis going to suck and its going to be hard, but you can do it..

Take care of you!

i feel it in my heart that your "possibility"  in now a probability...you're on the right road

huggs,
kim

Hey I think that was a great letter you wrote. It probably helps alot to get your feelings out, too huh.
I am a big letter writer, too....Its actually soothing in a way....to be able to write how you feel.
I'm here for you if you need to talk! :)

cinnamon(jen)

I love writing letters as well.  I'm so sorry you have been having such a bad time with your sons.  Wish there was something I can say to make ya feel better sweetie.  My children are so young, but it puts tears in my eyes just thinkin' about what you are going through.  I hope something gets better soon for you.  My son is 12 and he's the oldest.  I just caught him about a month ago smokin' a cig with his friend down the street.  OMG just that broke my heart and I cried... he felt so bad that he cried with me.  He knew that I was upset.  Well needless to say he was put on a month's restriction.  I know that's nothing compared to what you are going through though.  I can just imagine what they are going to put me through when they get older.  My mother and father had 3 children all girls and besides me having a pill problem (i just told my mother about it not too long ago), none of us girls have ever had an addiction to anything other than cigs.  And I remember her always tellin' me, "I hope you have a child just like you, Joanne!"  You take all things for granted, she really didn't have that many problems with us girls.  I could never imagine doing that to her, EVER.  I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.  I know this isn't any help but I wanted to send ya an internet hug  (sending it nowwwww)... you are your sons are always in my prayers... Luvs ya, Lil.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I have been going through the same thing with my daughter since she was 14 and she's nearly 30 now. When she was a minor I at least legally could control her to some extent. Now I can't do anything but wait for her to have an accident when she's driving with my grandson in the care. I jump with the phone rings. When I hear a knock on the door at night I start shaking. I'm sure it's the cops telling me she OD'd or is in the hospital (or even dead) from a horrible car crash.

I hate not having more answers for you. My other daughter is just the opposite. Lizzie, I have learned it's not our fault, but that doesn't make us stop worrying. I have gone to therapy, although she has never gone.

We have to believe things will work out because there is nothing else we can do. Dealing with the HIV has to make things ten times worse. My concern is for you. I can't do anything about your sons, of course, but I will always be here if you need to talk. Sometimes the nights are terribly long when all you can do is worry. I will keep you and your sons in my prayers.
Lots of love to ya......C