I think you have forgot what normal is. you said in your post you have known you were an addict for "years" well let me tell you you can forget what normal feels like after years. When I started I was a young man of 29 I am now 38 let me tell you pills will mask the feeling of getting old. I feel normal right now for a 38 year old, but not like I did as a Pill popping 36 year old, But in some ways I feel alot better. it took atleast 30 days clean before I felt like my oldself the entire day but before you know it, it will all come back to you. I considered myself a professional also (owned my own business) I did things, Hell I was the life of the party, Everybody thought I was the king of the world, and had everything, THank God I woke up in time. Thank God for Google search "addiction forum"  

Welcome to our forum....and yes there are many here like you.... what exactly are you taking??? do plan on stopping??? i know how you feel needing the pain pills to feel "normal" when i was at my worst i was taking around 30 hydrocodone 10mgs a day. I had to keep them next to my bed and take 2-3 20 mins before i could even get up.

Today i am taking them as prescribed, unforunately i am going through some medical problems right now. However i have been completely honest with my dr. about my addiction and he helped me taper down before i got sick and will continue to help me thru this too. i consider myself my very lucky to have such an understanding dr.

BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!!!!! it takes alot to admit you are addicited (not to yourself) but to admit it to others like you've done by posting here. that is a very big step. it takes time to get through this, just like it took time for you to become an addict.

It takes "baby steps" to get clean....

please keep posting....there are many caring ppl here...

luv ya,
tink  :)

We are all  like you... none of us are unique.. addiction doesn't care who you are, how much money you make, how old you are..etc.
I too have a career, a home, a husband, a huge group of amazing friends. I have training in addiction and worked in a rehab for years. I still got addicted to pills. Pills still run a huge part of my life. I too have easily admitted to being addicted.. Taking other steps to change is the next step.. My first step was to stop taking enough pills to get high.. and then taking less and less.

im a professional.a professional drug addict.im good at my job.its profitable and ive made a lot of money.i can synthesise complex drugs with basic,noahs ark equipment.i have a masters in town planning but hav never been a town planner.i am fit.i ski,cycle,swim and surf.ive travelled the world.i own my home.im reasonably successful in my relations with other people.
Having said all that,im a junkie with  an unhealthy desire to take excessive quantities of dope.we aint so different really.good luck
regardsJ

I started off thinking I was in control.

In college - I was able to out-drink anyone I knew, due to such a high tolerance. I eventually gave it up on a whim - realizing I was heading down a bad path.

Fast forward 10 years, and I get into an accident that puts me on pills. I took them as needed for over 2 years. Then one day, I realized how productive I was at work when I took them there. I shortly thereafter started doing it daily - and over a couple months, went from a few a day to up to 20+ 10/325's. Some time in the past year, they did the same thing. I no longer got high - I was only taking them to feel 'normal'.

I too am a professional, so I know what you are going through. I'm an addict, and I'm not like what I thought was a 'typical' addict.

I have a new respect for the word. Currently - I'm struggling to get my addiction in order, before I lose my place in the 'professional' world.

Thank you all for all that you said.  This sounds trite, I know, but I don't feel alone anymore.  Amazing.

You asked what I take, and if I plan on stopping.  I used to smoke a lot of pot.  But a few years ago I realized that it's hard to hide the odor of pot; pills are much easier in terms of being discrete.

So I take Oxy (5 mg, about 10 a day) and VicoEX (about 15 a day).  When I wake up in the morning I feel like a train hit me - I mean, it feels so aweful; I go straight for the pills, and have to sit on the couch until they take effect.  And then I'm basically fine for a few hours until I start getting that restless feeling; I have to then take more.

I loved the comment about not knowing what "normal" feels like.  Yes, that is so true.  And it's odd because I really love life; I don't feel as if I'm trying to escape anything.  

This all started because I enjoyed mind-altering drugs; they mae playing guitar and doing art that much more fun.  But the pills, well, my body needs them now.  It's out of control.  And yes, unhealthy on so many levels.

And I did stop once before, because I was forced to.  It was about 10 years ago, and I ran out of pills and at that time, didn't have a doctor to perscribe them.  So I found myself parked on campus, stretched out in the front seat of my car between classes, my entire body shaking; I felt so, so sick.  After a few years I found a doctor I went to for "back pain."  His first words to me were, "Pick your poison."  I'll never forget that.

And here I am today....