Hi everyone that posted replies to my first comment. good to know theres others out there like me cos I have to try and hide all these problems as no one talks in my family, and my friends just think I m a good laugh to be around, if only they knew the truth! I havw managed to get thru 2 days with no booze or speed, but my doctors put me on hydrocodeine for pain in my back so have been taking them instead. have never taken them before theyre good for the pain but make me feel pretty good so does this mean theyre addictive, cos I think thats how I ve got thru 2 days with nothing else cos these pills make me kinda out of it a bit. Have gotta see a new counsellor tomorrow so am hoping she s good cos I realise that without help I m going to wind up in hospital or worse. Its not very easy to get good help, I live in the U.K. and theres long waiting lists for this kind of stuff.must go and do grocery shopping now so sat here waitin for the hydrocodeine to kick in, don t know if theyre bad for you but good for the pain, don t want to get addicted to them tho so let us know any info on them, cheers!

listen to me sweetie...YOU HAVE NEVER DISAPPOINTED ME.   knowing that you have the desire to quit keeps me hopeful.   becoming clean and sober is not something you should be doing for us...it should be for you...and i pray that one day, this will happen for you.

i'm making you an offer here...when you get to that point...when you are ready...you call me sweetie.   if you need some support...emotionally and physically...i will be there in a heartbeat for you.   all it takes is a plane ride and a couple of hours to get there.   and believe me when i say this...i don't care how bad it gets...how ugly it can get...i can be as supportive or as brutal as it takes.   i am serious KK...i will come.

am glad to see you post...
BIG HUGS sent your way,
kim

You're killing yourself.

If you decide you'd like to get to know that new grandchild, instead of dying, get yourself into treatment.  

Your best shot would be residential rehab (the longer the better).  If that's absolutely not possible, try for a shorter in-patient detox followed by intensive out-patient work, with LOTS of 12 step meetings.  If that's truly not possible, then just get yourself to the meetings and get a sponser ASAP.

This is not a matter of "knowing better," this is a matter of having a relentlessly progressive fatal illness that WILL kill you if it stays active.  You need to ask and get help.  Don't worry about fixing this yourself - that's not important (as you'll see after you get help) and it doesn't work anyway.  

I'm in my late 40's too and if anyone "knew better" it was me.  In fact, I did know better, but that just didn't matter.

Get some help so that you can live.  If you don't that baby will grow up without a loving grandmother.

I feel your pain

I certainly can relate.  I am your age.  I, however, have been on the forum for over 6 months and in that time I have seriously tried to quit twice.  I take 20-30 vics a day.  I am an addict.  I want to live my life without worrying and planning everything around the bottom of a pill bottle.  Did coke too for years.  Never thought I would get off that **** but I did.  That is my only comfort sometimes, knowing I did lick that, so maybe someday I will lick this too.  I make really dangerous decisions to go to the street and buy what I need when my prescriptions run out.  

I am glad you posted because ppl here really are supportive and loving.  It used to be easier for me to ask for help here, but now I feel like a broken record of lies and promises...going around and around and never getting anywhere.  I know that it only gets worse.  I didn't beleive that "it would happen to me"...you know, any ill effects.  Well, in the last month I was hospitalized for unrelated stuff, and it is very difficult and dangerous to be in withdraw in a hospital trying to give to 2 vics every 4 hours for pain.  Ha.  Then the big question?  DO I finally tell the truth?  Risk the "public" knowing or risk the doctors thinking I am an addict?  For me, the answer was no.  I am not ready to come clean.  I know that is my problem and until I get help I will be sick.

I am truly here to listen to you.  I have let my friends down here, I even have some on e-mail that have been my life lines and angels.  They haven't heard from me in weeks and I know it worries them, yet, I can't find the heart to tell them I am still fuckin up so bad.

Keep talking, I will too.  Good Luck and peace to you.  TALK...TELL SOMEONE IF YOU CAN.  I know that is where others have found success.  FInally asking for help. getting to rehab, or going to meetings...whatever it takes.  Listen to me!!!  I give this advice but do not take in myself.  So for whatever good it does, please keep in touch and you have spoken out because you are finally ready, scared, and you want to be healthy....that is the first step.