I guess I have finally accepted it as just being life. I too am well educated, good looking, creative, talented, caring etc.. I believe that whats worth having you have to work for it.. If it came easy to you, you probably wouldn't want it. I was a heroin addict for 4 years as a teenager. I got  clean went to meetings, had the whole " AA dream" I worked at a rehab for 4 of 6 years I was clean. I had all the education and know how of being clean. One would think I would have been smart enough not to take pain pills the way I did after surgery. I should have know better than to get that refill. and the next one.
I look at it though as all of this.. the good the bad and the ugly make me a better person. It makes what I do have worth it. I know from being in recovery previously that it gets better.. and you become grateful for whatever hard times you have had because it made the good stuff even better stuff...

One thing I've learned is that you got to be your own best buddy.  Treat yoursel like you would some one you love.  Accept where you are in your world and make it better by doing things that make you eel good about yourseL.  tHE MIND IS A BULL CARP MACHINE  you are where your supposed to be and you can make it better Give you a example I hav'nt screamed at my little boy in 3 weeks and his behavior in school is better. I know it because I changed my behavior it makes me happy that I could be that aware and control mysel  Do things to build sel esteem  Get to know who you are not who you think you are supposed to be.  Sounds to me like your looking or yoursel  I can relate but I slow all the judgement in my brain waste o energy.

Brian...absolutely..this should help..
I'm a mom of 4..watched my spouse, brother in law, nephews, lots of pholks go threw hydro..coke..even die from oding, and yet..i still took them..got addicted..so yeah..the guilt of that eats me alive..so that i just take another pill..i can totally relate...self inflicted pain..guess what ..your not a bad person, non of us are..and we are the only ones who don't realize that..:))..nothing you've done in your life..is unfixable..only death itself is unfixable..just make up your mind that today is a new day..a fresh start..and all is forgiven..i'll forgive you..k? Its alright..just make the changes you need and be better..your not alone..

Thank you!  The reason i come to this board is that i DO feel like its just me, until i talk with you guys.  The problem with me is i blow my mistakes out of proportion and then they seem even bigger than they are........im REALLY hard on myself.  I do think this past 6 months of hell will eventually turn me into a much better person.  The pills aside, because those are TOTALLY my fault, many of my other problems seem unfair to me.  Like i really didnt do a lot to deserve it, and yet it still happened.

it dosen't matter what happens to you they don't happen because you deserve it or not its how you deal with it that counts , nobody is up in the sky punishing you or nothing what being human is all about is desaling with what given to ya  so I always say smile things will get worse sometimes just adss character

Welcome! Im a member here but havent been around much...........So I wanted to say hello!! and Welcome!

Also..............I totally believe that ...........beating ourselves up.......Is part of our addiction.......You see........at first using is glamorous.........fun, you feel good, energy...........then it becomes your saving grace..........and we depend on it.............all while..............We tell ourselves......negativety and we carry it...We dont let it go...We stew and let it play in our heads......adn then.......We totally believe that we are useless......We alwways **** up.....we always make wrong choices...............and we usually always do this..when we are buyign drugs.......selling drugs..........finding ways to get drugs......so on and so forth

I have seen a pattern within myself....perhaps you cant relate much......But its what I have seen in me...and in my writings...I journal alot.......I think too much.......and I often find myself in the same situtations as the years go around..or at least quite similar.............Which tells me.....There is a lesson there that I have missed....Im on a mission to find that.........So I do that in writing, and wow have I found out alot.........

I think Im smart........sometimes.......yet there is a few times that I tell myself Im dumb rather than complimentings myself............I have learned to do that too..Change the tapes.........try not to let negaitvety eat me away inside!!

I hope some of that helps.........to some degree...........and again Welcome
Happy Thoughts and Prayers.......

C