Aa
Here I go
Hi guys. So I first want to thank each and every one of you. I have been silently standing by just reading every post.I am addicted to hydros.I have Crohn's Disease, ulcerative colitis and pancreatits so I have obviously been perscribed pain meds.I don't know where I crossed the line to my motive for taking pills was pain to my motive for taking them being anything under the sun.Ineed them to go to the store. I need them to make a phone call. To clean. To cook dinner.And I used to let my addiction decieve my into thinking that I was more functional when I took them.I was up to 30 to 40 10/500 a day and I have been living in that little box. You know the box. COunting and counting. Adding up days till I can see a doctor.Going to sleep only because I knew I had something to look forward to in the morning..a handfull of pills. Now...I don't feel a "high" I haven't felt one in years actually. I just took them to stay out of withdrawals and though I wondered if that 1 extra pill would od me..I would still take it. NO one knows. I am so immune to opiates that I appear quite normal. No slurred speech. No nodding off. No strange behavior...but I know. I know that I I'll die. Period. Unfortunately when asking docs they usually push the pain control. I have no emotional support. I am very isolated.But I wanted you to know that I cute my milligrams by half and then by half and today I'm down to 20 miligrams and that's it. No more pills left..I carefully calculated my taper.
I got Thomas' recepie and luckily because of my illnesses I have some great non narcotic/non addictive meds to assist with the wd symptoms.I have actually detoxed before but because I have an immune disorder..my body is not top notch when it comes to anything it needs to do. My last detox was no better on day 30 than day 2 so I know I'm in for a long haul. And I'm already in full blown wd.Though I kept a bit of hdro in my system over the last 5-7 days.I started wd right away. I told myself there was no way I could post today..just read..and then I thought I need to push myself because I can't do this alone. I can't.Though I won't go into it..my personal life is incredibly stressful and I need a way out of my home situation but all I was doing was numbing myself out on pills to pretend it wasn't real. It is. Most shameful? I have a beautiful daughter.And on the outside I look like mom of the year. On the inside I am dying. And in the last week I have decided that I want to live more than I want to die.
Honsestly...thank you. All of you have helped me already without even knowing it and If I just keep getting on the computer and reading your stories so I know that I am not alone. I can do this.
Thank you for reading this.
I got Thomas' recepie and luckily because of my illnesses I have some great non narcotic/non addictive meds to assist with the wd symptoms.I have actually detoxed before but because I have an immune disorder..my body is not top notch when it comes to anything it needs to do. My last detox was no better on day 30 than day 2 so I know I'm in for a long haul. And I'm already in full blown wd.Though I kept a bit of hdro in my system over the last 5-7 days.I started wd right away. I told myself there was no way I could post today..just read..and then I thought I need to push myself because I can't do this alone. I can't.Though I won't go into it..my personal life is incredibly stressful and I need a way out of my home situation but all I was doing was numbing myself out on pills to pretend it wasn't real. It is. Most shameful? I have a beautiful daughter.And on the outside I look like mom of the year. On the inside I am dying. And in the last week I have decided that I want to live more than I want to die.
Honsestly...thank you. All of you have helped me already without even knowing it and If I just keep getting on the computer and reading your stories so I know that I am not alone. I can do this.
Thank you for reading this.
I live with chronic pain and emotional abuse because I have a husband who controls my drugs. I have a grandfather who is dying because of being age 94living with chronic pain and going through a series of mini-strokes and a wife who refuses to give him a juice which can possibly help him. I want to die and have drugs to help with the process.(i never have enough in the house to kill me). I have tried the notorious monkshood but to no avail. Does anyone have any other suggestion to commit suicide that would not seem like suicide? I'm getting desperate. Can anyone help me? my e-mail address is ***@****. I also don't trust doctors as I was co-erced into major surgery that I did not want and mistakes were made. I am now living with those concequences because no one wants to take responsibility and they throw the phrase that their motto is to do no harm. Too late guys. By not respecting my wishes and then violating my health care directive you no longer have the right to try to save me.
I do know that box. Glad you're getting out of it.
Something about your post reminds me of myself. Maybe it's the combination of quantity, using just to avoid w/d, the facade of the great parent covering spiritual and emotional death, the isolation, the shame and the tacit acceptance of my own inevitable demise.
Those were the things that defined my life when I was at 35 to 40 10's a day.
I'm actually LMAO here, because it just hit me that the above-described condition of misery became the relative "good 'ole days," not long after I traded my hydro addiction for a crack stem - the facade didn't stay up too long after that!
Anyway, I would suggest that you try to do something about the isolation - it's an inherent part of active addiction, but it's not a good thing for Recovery. In fact, it's quite bad for Recovery. You don't need to address it yet, I know that being in wd virtually DEMANDS isolation, but after that.
This was hard for me in early Recovery. Long before I had any problem with any substance, I tended to isolate from most people all of the time and from all people much of the time.
AA meetings worked very well for me in this regard.
..... gotta run
Something about your post reminds me of myself. Maybe it's the combination of quantity, using just to avoid w/d, the facade of the great parent covering spiritual and emotional death, the isolation, the shame and the tacit acceptance of my own inevitable demise.
Those were the things that defined my life when I was at 35 to 40 10's a day.
I'm actually LMAO here, because it just hit me that the above-described condition of misery became the relative "good 'ole days," not long after I traded my hydro addiction for a crack stem - the facade didn't stay up too long after that!
Anyway, I would suggest that you try to do something about the isolation - it's an inherent part of active addiction, but it's not a good thing for Recovery. In fact, it's quite bad for Recovery. You don't need to address it yet, I know that being in wd virtually DEMANDS isolation, but after that.
This was hard for me in early Recovery. Long before I had any problem with any substance, I tended to isolate from most people all of the time and from all people much of the time.
AA meetings worked very well for me in this regard.
..... gotta run
How long was your taper? and when you quit last ime was it CT or was it with a taper also? Unfortunatly WD always get worse every time we quit. Most peeps go through W/D once a month when they run out of pills. Making the WD they go thru at the end the worst they can possibly be. Keep your chin up I can promise you it will get better.
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