two months ago...my son, christian, was diagnosed with HIV...this has been the most devastating thing that i have ever had to endure.   this is the same child that has fought a crystal meth addiction for over ten years.   and this is the same child who has ahold of my heart strings...always has.   he has always demanded my attention...from getting his eye put out when he was five to almost dieing from a ruptured appendix that required 5 surgeries to get him through it.   OMG...there has been so much more...but i won't bore you with all the war stories.   just know that i love this guy with every beat of my heart.   and now this...i can't seem to get a handle on this...especially now while trying to help he and mackenzie have the wedding of their dreams.  it's been extremely hard and embarrassing shopping for wedding items and going to the register to pay for them, all the while crying as i am trying to pay.   it has not been easy.
i am proud to say that he has been clean from meth for three months now...
davis, my crack addict, has been clean for almost eighteen months now...but i have been noticing him substituting the crack with alcohol...so much so that he got a DUI about a month ago...plus he was underage.   well...this charge is exasberated by the fact that he was on probation for a felony charge that he got the first offender status for...so this stupid f*cking mistake may just very well cost him 5-10 years of his life.
AND TODAY IS THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF MY FATHER'S DEATH.  his death has really been hard on me and i am still struggling with that.
SO YES...I DO HAVE PAIN...AND I DO SUFFER...BUT SOMEHOW I AM ABLE TO KEEP GOING.   BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU...THAT THERE ARE MANY DAYS THAT I JUST DON'T WANT TO CONTINUE IN THIS LIFE...TOO MUCH PAIN...BUT I DO IT...AND JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE...I DON'T END IT FOR "EVERYONE ELSE".   IF IT WERE UP TO ME...AND I WAS A SELFISH PERSON...I WOULD NOT BE HERE THIS DAY.
i am so tired...and my biggest wish would be for someone to take care of me for once...instead of me always have to be the "strong" one.   i am tired of being the strong one and nobody seems to understand this...or hell...maybe they do and just dont care.

kim

Kim, if I were better I would email you or post a longer post, because I feel for you so much, and I know exactly how it is when you have been cast/or cast yourself in the role of the strong one (I have done this myself and don't know how to come out of it) and the toll it takes when you - for obvious reasons with all you have been through - are expected to continue to be strong. I think I understand all your worries about your boys - when I say "think" - it is because there must have been so many worries with three addict sons that I can only begin to understand, but nevertheless it would be inhuman if it didn't get to be too much - especially with the HIV- on top of everything else.
You have been the strong one here as well - always ready with a helping hand - caring - and funny too - and please know that i - along with so many others on this board - are here for you too - you don't always have to be here for us.
I feel fortunate for having gotten to know you - as well as you can on a board -and I am sending all the positive thoughts and energy I possibly can - so you can bounce back and try to focus on all the good things - one son married, another doing great (and remember it is HVI in 2007, where it is much easier to manage well) and getting married and your youngest son, who are doing so well.
I'm sorry, but I have to get back to bed, I am still feeling absolutely s*****, but please feel better.
Minnie

Hey,
I'm so sorry you are goin' through all this... I want you to know that I am here for you maybe not physically but mentally and whole heartedly.  I luvs ya girlie!!!  I just can't imagine goin' through all that by yourself.  I just got home and I'm sorry to say but I can't stay on long but even though I hafta go, u will be in my prayers and in my heart forever, and I'll be back later, k?  You've got me in tears girlie!!  I just can't put it into words, but you of all people the people on here, oh and also chrosty but u are the one that always makes me feel better, when I'm feelin' crappy or just want someone to talk to.  You've always been here for me.  And I so luvs u for it and everything u do for everyone on here.  Take care and please don't be so down.  I know it's easier said than done but u need some happiness in your life.  Luvs you lots, Lil.  :)

You need some TLC girl!  You've been a strong force on the forum and have always lent a helping hand....you are entitled to be down and in need of encouragement!  Being the "strong one" is a tough role to play 24/7. I tried that and that is why I kept feeding my addiction. I felt like I could handle the stress better with a pill in my body but when the tables turned and the addiction started running my life, I quickly realized that I needed to lean on others for help and relinquish the "strong" role to my family member and you all here at the forum!  You know we are here for you Kim, and when Christian was first diagnosed there was such an outrpouring of concern and comfort for you.  You need to step back and let someone take care of you!  You have my email, I've been staying away from IM....eats up too much time but I check my emails regularly!

You were so helpful to me when I was in the early stage of w/d and for that I am grateful. I know we don't communicate often anymore, but I have always appreciated your candor and your generous nature! Please be good to yourself!
Peace,
Marcie:)

I hope by the time you get to the forum, you checked your email..... :)
Its important.....

Jen

I love reading your post even if I don't post on them.  I always make sure to look for them they make me laugh usualy, you seem to have that gift.  Every one around me thinks of me as the strong and capable one.  I had a girlfriend once that was similar and when she got remarried she said she made sure that he not know how strong and capable she was because then he wouldn't rely on it.  I don't know how she did it but I always remeber that.   You are under alot of pressure take some time to go through some of your old post to others and take some of your own wonderful advise!!!  While yuor at it just happen to notice how many people post on the post YOU are on!!!!  And just remember you don't always have to be the strong one here!  Just try to hold it together past the wedding then take a couple days to molt!!!

Come have a Vacation in CANADA..................

oh my god, you would rest nicely here..........

COME VISIT ME..and bring your dog lol

Love
C

I will pitch a teepee up for you inth back yard

jk....

thank you my friends...where is beach with those freaking posh puffs anyway.  

i will be ok...i always do.   it's just sometimes i feel so alone, even though i am surrounded by so many ppl.   i have a great network of friends here at home and on this forum who always know how to lift my spirits...believe me it helps.   i think the biggest problem is that when i was soooo busy with madison and amanda's wedding, i forgot to get my zoloft refilled...after a few days i just simply forgot i was taking it...now that is a "fried" brain...how do you just FORGET?   well...i just "cold turkied" (a little addict talk...hehe) off the zoloft and don't even remember if it affected me or not...but it has been three weeks now and i am in desperate need.   i did call in a refill yesterday but "forgot" to go and pick it up.   damn...what is wrong with me?   i think i need a personal secretary...or a nanny would be nice...then she could take care of me and i could act like a baby...like everyone around me does.

oxy...thanks for the offer but i don't do well camping...hehe...the teepee would be fun except for when it is time to go to sleep.   growing up, my dad was in the car business...so anytime i found out that "I" had to go camping...i made sure he had one of those conversion vans around.   while everyone else was in tents...i let the back seat down into a bed and slept in comfort...lol.  don't know if you remember me posting this a while back...but i have a foam mattress (not just the topper) and two feather beds on top of it.   girl...i have to be snuggled in like a coccoon.

so...yes...i feel like sh*t...but i am a survivor...at least i hope i can continue to be.  
oh yeah...a hose busted on my car sunday afternoon and the air went out a couple of days before that...so i am stuck with no transportation while it is being repaired.   do you know what it is like for someone with ADHD to not have transportation?   when i think of something...i want to do it then...and my norm is to come and go all day long...in and out...all about...but NOT today...:(   ok...my car is a good example...my husband just got up yesterday morning and left for work...and never even said a thing about my car...knowing that i couldn't even drive it in to get it repaired...but did he care?   nope...hell why should he...i can figure out what to do.   so i just picked up the phone and called him.   "bob...i hate to bother you BUT i am stuck here at the house and can't get my car to the repair shop.   would it be asking too much of you to take care of this for me?   i have so much going on right now and am really overwhelmed...and it hurt my feelings that you didn't even consider how much of an inconvenience this is for me and that you are leaving it up to me to deal with."   SILENCE ON THE OTHER END!!  after a while he said, "why don't you just call up to Faison"s and tell them to come and tow it."   ok now...that is as much of the conversation that i can repeat...lol...cause it got real ugly on my end.   how did i get on this subject?   oh yeah...has to do with wanting someone to take care of me instead of me having to wear the pants in the family.  
ok...sorry...just rambling here...trying to work through all the feelings and emotions going on in my head today.   i'll check back in later...going to sit in my driveway and remember what it used to look like with a car sitting on it...lol

huggs to all,
kim

Lizzie, my dear, I was joking about teepee's wondered how far that lol would go..Consider most natives dont even use a teepee anymore....guess that is a joke you have to be brown for lol ...........

HOwever..offer still stands....you should see my house..its amazing we have pictures posted of the front deck which I need to take some more because we added a swing...Living in style baby........lol

I wouldnt put ya in a tent..or teepee.....just the house..lol........

BUT STILL COME!!! lol