Aa
need some advise
My husband has been really watching what I do lately. If I go to thw store and am not home in 30min he worries. And tonight we had a silly agrument but it really got to me because I have neem having such a good day.
So I tried to explain to him how I can't change the past. How I can't sit here and dwell on all the things I have done wrong in the past. That I just need to let he past go and move on. Otherwise if I don't I won't get better.
He didn't likme that. He says I need to constantly think of the past and worj at building his trust back. So I said no I won't go backwards and I am going to just live my life the way I always should have been.
So he got all mad and said "so you think I should let you think everything is ok and give my trust fully? I said no of course not but I am not looking back. I don't need to talk about everything I did wrong. I need to let that go so I can move on. He thinks I think I don't need to apologize to him and I do.
So my question is am I right? Shouldne we as addicts try and move past all the problems we caused our parents and pretty much start fres?
So I tried to explain to him how I can't change the past. How I can't sit here and dwell on all the things I have done wrong in the past. That I just need to let he past go and move on. Otherwise if I don't I won't get better.
He didn't likme that. He says I need to constantly think of the past and worj at building his trust back. So I said no I won't go backwards and I am going to just live my life the way I always should have been.
So he got all mad and said "so you think I should let you think everything is ok and give my trust fully? I said no of course not but I am not looking back. I don't need to talk about everything I did wrong. I need to let that go so I can move on. He thinks I think I don't need to apologize to him and I do.
So my question is am I right? Shouldne we as addicts try and move past all the problems we caused our parents and pretty much start fres?
Your hubby and YOU will be happier if you spend a lot of effort building that trust. Imagine being in his shoes - he isn't trying to control you, he is ultimately concerned for you, loves you and wants the best for you. We have this situation in my home, but it's hubby who's the addict.
We decided that purchasing a large quantity of urine tests and taking them per my request often is a good way - if he really is doing good and really is staying clean he has nothing to hide and that way I never have to wonder if I'm being lied to. It is good for an addict to know there will be accountability anyway, it can be a deterant when they think about using and that's nothing but positive.
There are lots of sites that sell these tests. The addict just needs to realize that it's a tool to help them not control them or put them down. It's good because your hubby can be at ease and you can be held ultimately accountable.
try it???
We decided that purchasing a large quantity of urine tests and taking them per my request often is a good way - if he really is doing good and really is staying clean he has nothing to hide and that way I never have to wonder if I'm being lied to. It is good for an addict to know there will be accountability anyway, it can be a deterant when they think about using and that's nothing but positive.
There are lots of sites that sell these tests. The addict just needs to realize that it's a tool to help them not control them or put them down. It's good because your hubby can be at ease and you can be held ultimately accountable.
try it???
There are often problems like this in families.
Our loved ones need to heal too. They are on their own healing schedule.
Could you ask your hubby for scheduled "sit down talks" instead of saying things to you as you try to go about your day? This would give the fears, feelings, thoughts a fourm to be discussed.
It will take time as annoying to you as it may be. I know it would annoy the heck out of me. I went through it 20 years ago when I got clean. I remember a family member asking me if i had "paid for that" when I came out of a store with some items. I think it was a candy bar so wasn't in a bag. I was insulted, I had been on drugs but didnt go around ripping off candy bars! But I remembered what I had learned in treatment and just assured my loved one that I had paid. But I was pissed and had to go write about it in my journal.\
Hang in there!
Our loved ones need to heal too. They are on their own healing schedule.
Could you ask your hubby for scheduled "sit down talks" instead of saying things to you as you try to go about your day? This would give the fears, feelings, thoughts a fourm to be discussed.
It will take time as annoying to you as it may be. I know it would annoy the heck out of me. I went through it 20 years ago when I got clean. I remember a family member asking me if i had "paid for that" when I came out of a store with some items. I think it was a candy bar so wasn't in a bag. I was insulted, I had been on drugs but didnt go around ripping off candy bars! But I remembered what I had learned in treatment and just assured my loved one that I had paid. But I was pissed and had to go write about it in my journal.\
Hang in there!
You asked a very good question......
As addicts what we don't understand is our Victims hurt....
We think I haven't used in a while why don't you trust me.........
I agree with your husbands first point you should never forget your past....
Trust has to be earned and it will be but it will take time......don't forget you hurt a lot of people very close to you and made them your victims of your addiction....don't be surprised if there a little slow trusting you......
Dwell on recovery and believe me good things will start happening in your life.......
As addicts what we don't understand is our Victims hurt....
We think I haven't used in a while why don't you trust me.........
I agree with your husbands first point you should never forget your past....
Trust has to be earned and it will be but it will take time......don't forget you hurt a lot of people very close to you and made them your victims of your addiction....don't be surprised if there a little slow trusting you......
Dwell on recovery and believe me good things will start happening in your life.......
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