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Why does he continue to go back?

My husband is a addict. He is hooked on oxy. HE is trying to get off but on his last relapse i found out he took out a whole other bank account and not its -800 dollars.

A couple days ago his dad called me and told me i was the reason he keeps going back to the pills.. He told me i need help and he goes back because i make him unhappy and we have a unhappy marriage...

I will admit our marriage has been rocky since i found out about his problem. I found out he took all the money out of MY personal savings account and spent it on drugs without me knowing.. I have found out about numerous loans he has taken out for drugs...now this. So i have been stressed trying to clean up his messes and take care of our 4 month old daughter, and go to work. Everyone tells me its not me. Its him. But i struggle with my mind so much thinking about its me that has done this to him. Could it be me?
19 Responses
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Avatar universal
Girl, I am so glad that I have you now to talk to. I feel so much better knowing you are here. We can help each other get through this. My husband is trying so hard and I love him this just kills me to have to see him go through this. I'm pretty sure you feel the same way. I too love my husband and the reason that I have stuck beside him is because I know he is better that this. There are so many things that he has done to me I just couldn't list them all. I do care about you and what you are going through. Heng in there and know that I am sending up prayers for the 3 of you. I have had to be the mother, father and the provider for 2 years. Hang in sweetie pee!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Oh my gosh... Im crying right now. You have no idea how good it feels to know im not the only one. Im not the only one hurt. We do need to talk more...Its good to talk to someone who is not going to say.."why the hell are you still with him!" and understand how much you love yur husband and all the goos you see in him even though we has done so much to me.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He has an addiction, a disease.  This has nothing and I mean nothing to do with you.  Right now he is not himself.  His only thoughts are of how to get the drugs.  He can put blame anywhere he wants but until he acknowledges he has a problem there is nothing you can do except professional help.  I know I sound like a broken record but maybe he needs an intervention from all those who care about him and some inpatient care.

All my best,

Shelby
Helpful - 0
177036 tn?1192286635
Sadly his Dad is way wrong and maybe it is time for drastic measures like an intervention.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know in my heart its not me. I know its him. But i feel like when we fight, or when he get frsutrated about our money situation he turns to the drugs and maybe if i hadnt put so much stress on him he wouldnt turn back to them. I just feel like i have to worry about him so so much and im going crazy dealing with everything.

When his dad said those things to me i lost it. It hurt me worse than i think i have ever been hurt. Now his sister texts him daily asking him if he "im wrong for him". I feel like they are all against me in this. I feel like im so damn strong for dealing and supporting him through all of this and his family is saying its me? Its not fair.

Thanks for the re assuring comments i appreciate them more than you know.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
His family sounds toxic.  Nothing he says or they say bears any truth.  Sounds like they are trying to protect their kid in the worst way possible.  I think they are all denial.  He is in desperate need of help...but his family should not be part of the process unless they get help too.

Shelby
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Maybe you should send him home for them to deal with him.  Then when he doesn't stop, my gosh, it might be them!!  Hang in there, it so is not you.  If you weren't there, my thoughts are, they would find someone else or something to lay the blame on.  Be strong for yourself and your daughter, and try not to let his family make you feel this way.  They need as much help as he does.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you...I just wish they saw it. And i wish he saw it to.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Listen sweetie, I too am in the same situation with my husband. For 2 years he has been addicted to Lorcet taking 10 to 15 10's (I believe) a day. For the past 2 years I have had to take all of my retirement out and play catch up on all of the bills and now am left with no and I mean absoultly no savings. He today is 5 days sober and I fear just like you I'm sure that he will fall. This is all new to me I just didn't know that mush about all of this and my sister is a pharm. so she has helped with questions but, she too doesn't know that much about addiction and meds for it. Girl, I feel for you because when he doesn't sleep you don't either and if you're like me when he sleeps I just lay there and look at him and get mad because I am left to worry about bills and our girls no savings what if something happens. Does any of that sound right. By the way you let his family pull and of that **** on me huh I'll let loose on them because instead of playing the blame game they need to be on your side and help him!! If you need me to talk to let me know and we can e-mail!!

Hang in there!! I know there is more of us out there!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
His dad is an ass.  No one wants to see fault in their children, but sometimes it is there.  My hubby and I separated now for that very reason.  It is not your fault, unless you are his supplier, but you're not, it is a decision he is making and you are suffering from it.  Maybe you should distance yourself from the situation, and let him clean up his own messes.  He will not stop til he wants to, or is forced to, and that is just the way it is.  Good luck to you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
here is my e-mail tammy_lewandowski***@****
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Avatar universal
The hours that I am on the computer are 7:30 a.m. central until 5:30 p.m. due to the fact that I can't have a computer in my home because of the problems beibg online I'm sure you understand. If you need me I will make sure that I check my e-mail every morning and get back to you asap. Much Love hang in there girl there is a brighter day with or without them you can only do so much I don't want to live without him but, I CAN! and so can you!
Helpful - 0
177036 tn?1192286635
I Know that what his dad said cut like a knife sweetie and it is a control issue as well as other thing THAT ALON WILL LOVE TO ADDRESS IF YOU GO TO A MEETING....... I was scared when my beautiful wife went to one, but it was the best thing for her and she got so much relief from it.  Please look up an alonon near you and get to one tonight>?>?>?>?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I remember you from a few weeks back. Your husband is an addict and is sick.  It is absolutely NOT your fault. You take care of yourself and your 4 mo old! Your father-in-law is in denial and lashing out...don't let him bring you down.  There was a woman here (who I miss terribly BTW) who has sons that are addicted so maybe she could shed some light on his thinking for you. She dealt with their addictions quite admirably, using tough love which is the only way sometimes.  Her screen name is LIZZIE LOU so a post to her might be a good thinkg

Again, the most important thing at this point is to take care of you and your child.  Go to a Naranon meeting.....but you cannot heal him, he is the only one that can make this decision and realize just how serious this problem is....support if you are mentally and physically able but don't do this if it hurts you or your child!!!!! Please be strong!
Peace,
Marcie:)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I just talked to my husband and told him that his family blames you. He said "it is not you it is him, he is the one taking them not you!?!" So maybe that helps coming from another addict. Keep on keeping on for you and oyur daughter!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have faith in my husband. I know someday he will get better. He is taking the steps more seriously now that he ever has. He has been praying for help from the lord and i know he will help him if Andy really desires it.

Im a very controlling person...Thats my problems. And i have learned through all of this i cant control his behaviour. I cant push him to get better. ANd thats what kills me, i want to slap the **** out of him and tell him he is losing the best damn thing he has and ever will have. But i cant. I have to show his my unconditional love for him. And im trying to do.My problem is is that i need support as well..Thats why i came here...His dad hurt me bad..but he will be held accountable for that someday. So thanks for the support everyone! TaFaye...you will be hearing from me!

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Also we are both going to NA tonight..There are not naranon meeting around me at all.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
What about alanon?  They seem to be everywhere....Does your husband go to NA meetings on his own?  Do you always go with him?  Do you get out of this that this is not at all your fault? Do you speak at meetings?  I'm not trying to be negative at all....You sound like you are so incredibly supportive of him, just remember to be good to yourself!  My prayers are with you Kristin....I just want you to see how deserving you are of some self help!
Peace,
Marcie
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
NO WAY is it you!!! This is his addiction and his father has some nerve placing the blame on you. Do you have any support? I would look into Alanon or one of those support groups. You should never have to think you are to blame. Wow, that really just floored me. I wish you luck and hope your husband gets help. If not, you are going to have to really think out your situation. You don't deserve this.

Tim
Helpful - 0
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