Well, I am sure you can all imagine what this post is about.  One of my biggest fears came true today when I went for my monthly appointment at the neurologist who prescribes my methadone and endocet.  He said he had gotten a letter from my insurance company stating that I was also getting hydrocodone from another local physician.  I thought I was going to faint and of course assumed that I was not going to be receiving my prescriptions today - think I was starting to go through withdrawal right there in the office at just the thought of the nightmarish days, nights, and weeks ahead.  Of course, I also know that it could be the best thing for me in the long run, I would have to be stupid to not know that.  Anyway, so I said, "well if it is a problem I will stop taking the hydrocodone" and he said "no, it isn't a problem but we might just need to do things in a different way".  I have no idea what he meant by that because the subject was dropped then and he went on to discuss my high blood pressure and need to lose weight, etc.  So, he ends up writing my two prescriptions like always which was a relief.  But the doctor who was prescribing the hydrocodone is a very old friend, I went to work for him when I was 19 and worked there many many years, we have had a very close relationship over the years, our kids grew up together and our families even vacationed together, he delivered all there of my children and has operated on me five times.  I do know without a doubt that he will no longer prescribe for me and I would be afraid to do it anyway, not wanting to take a chance on losing my methadone.  After all these years, I do have chronic pain and chronic headaches, it is going to be hard for me to do without the Lorcet in more ways than one.  I guess that is the least I can do though is cut out one of my pills, maybe it will lead to eventually getting off the other two.  I am going to try to look at this as a positive thing, right?  It was eventually bound to happen, don't even ask me why I filed my insurance on all of the meds anyway, one more stupid thing I have done in this lifetime.  Well, I just needed someone to vent to, it is not like there are a lot of people I can discuss this with!  I know so many people here are in the middle of withdrawal right now or either in recovery, and I am ashamed to even post knowing that I do not have the courage yet to do what you are doing.  Don't give up on me though and hope you don't mind if I keep coming here until the day comes that I do get up the courage.

Thanks so much for listening!

Love, Cindy