Well I got a real good soak - too good actually! lol  I sort of dozed off in the bath.  I am awake again - hopefully you are having a wonderful sleep!  If not I am around. :)

xoxox,

Shelby

Mj,

Your such a sweetheat!

Yes, I was even praying for you again, while writing the above - and I DO have His hotline,

Do you want to know what it is?....Yes,...Okay, here it is for you:

Ask Him whatever you want, from the depths of your heart, and the hotline is;......In the Name of Jesus Christ!

There, now have your own, Direct Hotline to Him!...~smiles (-:

Love ya and God Bless You Marca!

Todd

... you are such a lovely, lovely man.

thank you.

btw - you must have hotline to the big guy, because your prayers already worked.

and i thank you from the bottom of my heart...

PLEASE let me know - anytime - if I can ever return the favor, and the kindness you have shown me.

good night, sweet prince!

:-)
warmly,
mj

Hi my 2 sweeties!

I just let you both finish, and that was a beautiful way, to talk, and let it out, and share.....

You two were great, in that loving, caring, truthful, sincere talk, full of true feelings and encouragement!

So....if you ever read this Mj,,,I have already prayed for you (yes, you to Shelb), and just now you will be better tomorrow!

Mj...just remember, I live right here in Orange County! You can call me anytime...just let me know, and will happy to email you my phone #....you to Shlelby!

I'm glad you 2 had some talk, just on 1 thread, and share!

Lot of Love to you both!

God Bless!

... i mean it! SOS me if you need me - i will check!

you know how we are about reaching out.... so you better do it if need be.  i'll come a runnin'...

xox
me

actually, you put it perfectly.  i get what you are saying 100%.

i think i am gonna log off.  i may or may not be back on.. my eyes are hurtin' from crying earlier (you know how you get exhausted?)

but Shel - you got me to stop crying.  not only that, i don't feel bad anymore!!!!

you made me feel sooo much better tonight.

(maybe that's what this is all about.. we had to go through this to help each other... all of us.)

you "saved" me tonight. you really did.

thank you...... truly.

anyway - i will take a peak tho, before i actually zonk just in case you need me.  just put "SOS" in the header - and i will get right back on!

thank you so much for making me feel so much better.  i didn't think i could tonight.  feel better.  you turned me right around...

xoxox
:-)
me

I am going to take a bath right now but I will log back on soon.  My back is bothering me a little.  Just need a quick soak.  I will be back on though.  If you do log off - just let me know you are ok - ok?  Otherwise I will see you soon.

Love ya,

Shelby

Nope I am mountain time sister! lol  I am in Montana.  It is 10:17 here exactly...beep.  Oh goodness I am getting a little slap happy.  

I am not ready to sleep anyway - no matter what time it is.  Just not in the mood! lol  My eyes are wide awake - you know that feeling you get when you close them but you are still so awake - it's useless?  Well that is where I am tonight.

I think people who are addict's are generally smart people - now I am not saying this to be funny or am I saying being an addict is a good thing.  We just think too much - too much going on in our heads and I am not talking about voices or anything like that! lol  Just that we care about stuff more - oh forget it - what you said!  You can put things way better then I can.

Communication is part of my recovery that need's work obviously. lol

xoxox,

Shelby

P.S. I am VERY glad you are here too m!

i know what you mean about it all being grey, then.  black, actually.  nothing really mattered.

THAT - remembering that - is the reason i/we can never go back.

nothing is as bad as that.

.. not at all. you've helped me tremendously.

and those baby steps.. well, look at it like this: i believe most go thru their lives BLIND - never taking any real steps at all (and i don't just mean thru addiction.)

in fact - Scot Peck (again) call addiction a sacred disease.  believes those prone to addiction/addicts are more spiritual than most, as we are trying hardest to "get back to God/to the womb."  it's a heavy concept, but i get it. obviously the problem is we are going about it the wrong way!

one day, and not too far away, we'll look back at this and be grateful for it.  i know that sounds nuts, but i believe it.

hey - isn't it late where you are?  aren't you east coast?

i am so glad you are on this forum...

xoxoox
all my luv,
me

Yep, makes absolute sense.  No decisons to be made until we are back on our feet - sometimes I feel like a newborn trying to take it's first steps for a second time.  Everything feels that strange and new.  

No my husband does not know - nor anyone else.  Only you guys know.  That is why I am sure had I not come here I would not have made it this far.  I know we will stay sober too.  I am beyond sick of living like that.  I just can't go back to it.  Nothing was good about life anymore.  Everything was just gray - I did not care about anyone - let alone myself.  And as the years went by - it just kept getting worse.  The more drugs I had to take - the less I had to live for.

More cheery stuff!  God I'm sorry - am I making you feel worse??

love ya too,

(((((mj))))))

shelby

yes.. it makes perfect sense.  i am worried about everything right now too... so i totally get it. it must be heightened.

i did not know your husband didn't know. i thought he did.  now i get it.. why you feel so alone too.

you know what i honestly think tho? (even tho i can't remember sometimes for myself..)  i TRULY believe when we get thru this kind of stuff - the really hard stuff - we are better people for it. we're stronger. more wise. make better decisions in the future, too... etc.

you're gonna get thru this and stay sober, i know it.  and so am i.  it's just gonna hurt until we get thru the w/d, as well as the feelings we've been avoiding. so it's gonna be HARD.  Scott Peck (The Road Less Traveled) calls it "going through the desert."  and you HAVE to go through the desert.  i hope that makes sense, out of context...

and i know everything in my past, that was HARD, once i really got thru it, i WAS better for it.

all i can say to you now is, take one day at a time. when all those thoughts come into your head (like do you really know your hubby? etc.) ... you cannot solve or figure that out yet.

what you have to do first, i believe, is get healthy and strong, first. then you will know the truth of things.

make sense?

xoxox
luv u,
me

Don't you just love those "What the ****?" moments?  I think everyone here has had more then their share.

I am not sick of talking about you!  But whatever you want - your in charge here girly! :)

I am not sure what is up with me.  I worry a lot.  About pretty much everything and in my heightened sense of feelings (does that make sense??) it's worse.  I read what you guys are going through and that makes me a little sad - I would not change knowing any of you for anything but I wish I could take all the pain away.  I wish we were all 2 years clean - quick fix - great idea right? lol  Oh I don't know m...lonely too.  I cannot really tell my husband that I am an addict - I sort of feel like I am lying to him yet again.  It would pretty much crush him if I told him.  I have realized too that I have been an addict most of the time we have been together - somedays I look at him now and wonder if I even really know him?  Just random - stupid thoughts.

Anyway, boy I bet that cheered you up! lol

xoxox,

Shelby

do you want to talk about it?  or just.. sad/don't know why sad?

and yes, i will tell you the story sometime soon.. you won't believe it. it's just.. rotten. like "ok God, I understand why this happened, because I learned this.  and I understand now why that happened, because I got that.  BUT WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT???"

anyway, what are you feeling? i'm sick of me... what is goin' on with you...

xox
mj

I have never been good at that either.  Sober or not - I just have never really asked for help.  We need to promise each other that we will ask for help though - ok?  I kind of sense something was up with you tonight sweetie.  Usually I see you posting more.  I am glad I asked and you do not have to thank me at all - it was my pleasure!  

Maybe someday when you are up to it - we could talk about the hard time you had with your break up.  Whenever you feel up to it...no pressure.  You have my email and I will email you my phone number if you want it.  

I am doing ok - just a little sad.  I am not even sure what it is.  

xoxox,

Shelby

thank you, again... just the fact you know what i'm talking about - what i'm feeling - helps.

and being reminded that i'm not really alone... that you guys are here.  i'm not so good at reaching out when i should... thank you again for posting, or i would not have asked for help.

i will next time.

i luv you girl...

are you ok???

xox
all my luv,
me

ps - thank you again for your kind words...

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about - being lonely.  Let me tell you something - you are not alone though.  I am here and Todd and lot of other people that care about you.  You have made such an impact here.  I liked you the minute I saw your first post.  I could see how special you are.  This will pass and it could pass tonight even.  Just being here has gotten me through some emotional episodes and you have been there to see some! lol

If I could be there with you right now I would be.  And you know what I used to live in CA - I think I read that is where you are from.  I wish I was there now - I would be knocking at your door this instant - of course that is if you wanted me! lol  Not in the weird, stalker sort of way!  Anyway - I am losing track here!  Focus Shelby - oh yes I love you and I am here!

xoxox

Shelbs

.. you cute lil bug, you.

thank you for the prayers.  i really appreciate them tonight... i think i need 'em. :-/

luv luv luv,
mj

i really don't know... alot is raw emotion.  alot too is i think i'm finally feeling the pain i put aside from an awful break-up i went thru at exactly the same time my back went out. which is when i started taking the pills... i won't go into all the details, but even my divorce wasn't as awful. or as cruel.  and i'm not a drama queen, nor do i date (or marry) "drama" people.. but it ended.. so cruelly.  and i think i am finally feeling the hurt.

it feels like partly that, but partly just... aloneness. you know. just feeling really sad, and really alone (i feel so pathetic even writing this...)

but you're right. it's better to talk about it, and tomorrow will be better.  i know i gotta go thru this.  it just hurts...

are you ok?

shelby.. thank you.

luv,
me

We better have her back!  I was getting ready to kick some serious ***!!

No one is taking anyone of you from me!

I would be crushed - squished like a little bug.

You guys mean so much to me!

And mj you mean the world to all of us!

hugs,

Shelby

Well sweetie I am not going to lie to you - I have been a little down but not a big deal!  I know the place YOU are at right now and it's hard.  Raw emotion.  It is tough to take all at once.  I found that talking through it helps a lot.  And when I say talking - I mean posting here.  You guys are the only one that really "know".  

Is there something in particular that is bothering you?  You can email me if you like?  Or is it just the general blues?  

And remember - we love you m!  Talk to me girlfriend!

xoxox,

Shelby

Marca,

You know you are alway's in my Prayer's....and will pray you have a better day tomorrow, BUT:

I command you to be happy and yeeppiii tomorrow, and that is a command!

Lots of Laughs and LOVE for you sweetie!  (-:

Love,

Todd


PS: Shelby, Mj - We got "hope" back, and that's her new name now!

ah honey.. thank you.

i'm havin' a lil bit of a rough night... pretty emotional.  i don't know if it's the w/d still, or just the emotions i've been covering up for, oh, the last 9 months - finally feeling them.  who knows...

it will pass. what can i say... but it means alot that you posted.. you know how it feels when you are in this place.

oh i wish i had a more happy response for you!! sorry!

i hope your day was good, and that you are feelin' good...

xoxox
luv,
mj