I understand the confusion between my first and later posts.  the reason I didn't go into detail over the past was that I was concerned with my attitude about the here and now.  I am the one with the problem...she is riding her demon just fine.  I just needed to stop hurting and start helping...the situation that is.  Since the previous post about the codependence. there has been a HUGE difference in our relationship and she is no longer stressed as much and is actually loweing her dosage even more!! Yay!

So again thanks to all of you

On our way to better lives

Spouse1969 and...well...spouse

If you happen to come back here. I just wanted to say that in your first post you gave no indication that your wife had abused drugs in the past and that I would have told you pretty much the same things that CATUF had suggested. Your on the right track, get yourself some help and pray that your wife will see that she needs help too. If she is truly in a great deal of pain and can HONESTLY control the dosage she is taking, then may be this won't be as bad as you think. However there are few addicts or past abusers that can go long before they fall right back in that same cycle again. Again all my best and take care.
God Bless,
Gypsy

i am kind of in the same situation, but i don't accept it.  my boyfriend says he use to "use", although it was very sporadic, and had "complete control" over it.  he has taken my leftover painkillers that i told him he could not have, eventually i threw them away.  and a couple of weeks ago, he took some from his dad's house.  he says he feels horrible about it, and will not do it again, but everything i have read about abuse sounds just like him, how he takes them when he's had a bad day, he's abused mine, etc.  what do we do?

Ok...here it really is.  She USED to have an abuse problem to the tune of where she was actually taking 7-8 10/325 norco four times a day.  I guess this was about two years ago and that adds up to 300mg/day  Since that time she went cold turkey...started excersizing again (former body builder powerlifter)  got really healthy...lost alot of extra weight...(also lost alot of weight during the opiated year due to not eating enough) and then injured her knee.

MRI says knee was fine.  but still had begun opiates again.  Not as badly...but was spending some time altered (high).  She agreed to take only a few three times a day and she does...I suppose the entire amount for a day is anywhere from 90 to 120 a day depending on her pain level.  

Any additional details from me would probably sound like marriage counselor stuff.  The real situation is that she isn't going to stop using and I need to deal with it...but I don't know how.  There isn't really a self help book that includes continuous opiate use.  I apologize for inflicting myself on you like this and am very thankful about the responses so far.

But like I said...if there is a list of things you wish your spouse, signifigant other would do/say/believe about you...I could really use the help, cause I just don't know where to start.  

It's been six months (with only one slip) and I still treat her like a junkie. I don't trust her, I try to oversee everything (this is due to me letting the last cycle of abuse happen while NOT paying attention. ) It's not fair. To her or me.  But it's the way it is now and she isn't going to quit.  

Thanks again

subuxone ask fish

You could try going to Al-Anon.  That's what they're all about - how to deal with the addiction/alcoholism of a loved one (whether the loved one is in Recovery or not).  Your statement "I try to oversee everything" is a classic in the world of co-dependency.

You can find meetings at: www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html

I'm in AA subsequent to long-term rehab in '05 that finally got me clean from a long and pretty nasty hydro habit (350 - 400 mg/day at the end), which somehow morphed into an even worse crack habit for the final 6 month.  I know a fair number of people in AA who are also in Al-Anon - they swear by the program.

If you can't get to an Al-Anon metting, you might try the book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself," by Melody Beattie.  I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like right now you're "part of the problem."  It also sounds like you want to be part of the solution, so you've got some work to do -- and it doesn't involve overseeing everything

Finally, I'm a bit confused - is she using now or not?  Most of your post sounds like she is, but you also say "It's been six months (with only one slip)."

Yes she is using  "She agreed to take only a few three times a day and she does...I suppose the entire amount for a day is anywhere from 90 to 120 a day depending on her pain level."  and she only slipped once. ( one 125mg dose) in the last six months.  But she is continuing to use due to back pain /sciatica.  Sorry for the confusion.

From what I have read about alcoholics anonymous and similar programs...the goal is abstinence.  Zero usage.  

This is not her case.  

I wasn't sure what you meant by co-dependence as I was familiar with the term...but wasn't sure if there was an additional usage with the term due to the utilization of the word 'dependence' when refering to an addiction situation.

So I checked the definition on wikipedia...damn.  Sounds like me to a T...and quite a bit like my wife too.  I had no idea.  I really thought I was doing good.

For those of you not wanting to click over...here ya go

Codependence

Symptoms of codependence are controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over his or her inability to improve the situation.

Codependence can also be a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member's alcoholism or other addiction, sexual or other abuse within the family, a family member's chronic illness, or forces external to the family, such as poverty.

Codependency advocates claim that a codependent may feel shame about, or try to change, his or her most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person. An example would be a wife making excuses for her husband's excessive drinking and perhaps running interference for him by calling in sick for him when he is hung over. Such behaviors, which may well lessen conflict and ease tension within the family in the short term, are counterproductive in the long term, since, in this case, the wife is actually supporting ("enabling") the husband's drinking behavior. So, sometimes, the codependent is referred to as an "enabler." It is also worth noting that since the wife in this case is dependent on the husband's alcoholic behavior, she may actually feel disturbed, disoriented or threatened if she sees clearly that he is emerging from his dependence; the threat to her position as a confidante and needed loved one might lead her unconsciously to resist the husband's steps towards recovery. Similarly, a codependent parent might resist his or her child's steps toward independence; whether early or late in life.

Codependent people have a greater tendency to enter into relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable or needy. The codependent tries to control a relationship without directly identifying and addressing his or her own needs and desires. This invariably means that codependents set themselves up for continued unfulfillment. Codependents always feel that they are acting in another person's best interest, making it difficult for them to see the controlling nature of their own behavior.

I'm pretty sure I'm not enabling anymore as the overusage has ended and I don't have to make excuses any more.  But I will read the book ASAP to find out on the mindset I need to adopt so I can avoid the lingering effects of doing it for so long.  

Jesus I suck.

Thank you all

I'm guessing that she is in some type of pain management for some type of chronic pain and I don't need the detail unless you don't believe that she is infact in pain. I am in chrinic pain and was on opiatea a large amount of opiates for several years as my pain and tolerance grew so did the amount of opiates I was prescribed.
I can tell you this that you have to do whatever you can to live pain in as little pain as possible. Pain is the worse thing in the world and destroys your life. She is on these meds to better her life, that's it no different than taking BP medicine for her because she need them for pain. What she needs from you is for you to become informed about her condition and your complete support in her treatment and recovery.
  She does need to be aware that she will more thatn likely become chemically dependent on them just as you would many other types of meds, this doesn't mean she is an addict that would only be if she showed addictive behavior ie. takes more than prescribed, goes to more than one Dr for meds, lies about drug uses etc... I am not an addict I became chemically dependent on my prescribed meds. I would be willing to talk more to you about this if you would like

Starting points might be whether or not she is using them above what is prescribed, (by one doctor).  I'm not talking about taking one more than daily alowed, more like 3 to 30 more.  Because if she is abusing them, you will know shortly.  If she is using them for pain and is not having a problem with that you will know that too.  

The trouble with pain meds is that the mind can psychosomatically create pain to "get" the drug and another huge problem is that healing is greatly diminished when taking opiates.  I had sores on my hands from working that seemed to take forever to heal....  These facts are well known and not just me postulating.

You might have her tell her story here on this website?  We might be able to help.

Best
Jim