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Anxiety Community
This patient support community is for discussions relating to generalized anxiety, anxiety and eating, anxiety and sleeping, mood swings, and phobias.
A great story to relate too..
by Edward D., Dec 28, 2006 12:00AM
I dont have per say a question.. I wanted to share a story that a person wrote from a support group I belong too. It made such an impression on me when I first read it I try to share it with others. The story is filled with so much truth everytime i read it I cant help from laughing and agreeing with his story ..
peace.... Ed.
A second chance at life
My story. I never thought I would feel this good again. I feel like I have been given a second chance at life!
Here goes!
It started in early March, 2000. I was out of town on business conducting nation wide (in Canada) interviews searching for dynamic candidates for our organization (I am a contract negotiator for the Canadian Government - I negotiate multi-million dollar deals between the private sector and government). One week into interviews, on March 9th, 2002 at 11:00am - I had the most incredible dizziness and lightheadedness surge I could have ever imagined. There I was, interviewing a great candidate, when I had to stop and grab hold of the table because I thought I was having a stroke or a seizure!!! However, not wanting to disrupt the candidate, I continued, just trying to finish, which I did. But that was it for me! I went to a clinic in the building and they took my blood pressure and said, your fine, it's just a little high, but nothing to worry about. Great I thought, I'm just tired and need rest! So I drove home, about 4 hours away like a madman, scarred that another episode would happen while I was driving - and guess what it did... about 5 times!!! I was going crazy. I thought I was dying. Later that day I got home and slept, thinking that the next day I would be fine... I wasn't! It just kept getting worse and worse. I couldn't go five minutes without being lightheaded and feeling like I was passing out. This contributed to my stress level going through the roof!
Medical help!
A week after my incident, feeling like I couldn't handle one more day of this, I made an appointment with a doctor (I didn't even have a family doctor at the time, because I was 26 years old, and 26 year old young men don't get sick, or so I thought). This doctor put me through every test in the book (he was really thorough). Blood work to test for everything, cardiograms, you name it... I took tests for a month... even had a CT scan and an MRI (I even paid for the MRI myself to avoid waiting 6 months at the hospital). Lo and behold, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. So my doctor, who was really being very thorough, thought I had an inner ear disorder, and at the max, I would feel like this for another 3 to 4 months at the most!!! 3 to 4 months... I could be dead by then!!! I can't live like this!!! I'd rather die than feel like I'm going to die feeling like this (did that sentence make any sense)!!! But I went home, cried myself to sleep like I did every day during that first not-knowing what's wrong with me stage, and thought eventually when I die - they will know I wasn't going crazy, and they will discover this "new illness" that is non-diagnosable.
3 months later, I went to my doctor again, and again I complained that my symptoms were getting worse, and they were. By this time, I'd been on sick leave for 3 months, because I couldn't cope going to work. It was too hard. The only thing I could really do, is cry myself to sleep every night, and my one thought which was haunting me during my days, and during my sleep was the fact that I had a terminal illness that no-one could diagnose!!! He eluded during this visit that it wasn't an inner ear disorder, and that I might consider cognitive therapy behavior! To me, this meant going to a psychiatrist... I wasn’t' crazy. I know I was physically sick and I didn't need a shrink asking me questions about how I had suppressed a traumatic child hood memory. I shrugged off the suggestion, to which he told me "go back to work". The longer you stay home, the harder it will be to go back.
peace.... Ed.
A second chance at life
My story. I never thought I would feel this good again. I feel like I have been given a second chance at life!
Here goes!
It started in early March, 2000. I was out of town on business conducting nation wide (in Canada) interviews searching for dynamic candidates for our organization (I am a contract negotiator for the Canadian Government - I negotiate multi-million dollar deals between the private sector and government). One week into interviews, on March 9th, 2002 at 11:00am - I had the most incredible dizziness and lightheadedness surge I could have ever imagined. There I was, interviewing a great candidate, when I had to stop and grab hold of the table because I thought I was having a stroke or a seizure!!! However, not wanting to disrupt the candidate, I continued, just trying to finish, which I did. But that was it for me! I went to a clinic in the building and they took my blood pressure and said, your fine, it's just a little high, but nothing to worry about. Great I thought, I'm just tired and need rest! So I drove home, about 4 hours away like a madman, scarred that another episode would happen while I was driving - and guess what it did... about 5 times!!! I was going crazy. I thought I was dying. Later that day I got home and slept, thinking that the next day I would be fine... I wasn't! It just kept getting worse and worse. I couldn't go five minutes without being lightheaded and feeling like I was passing out. This contributed to my stress level going through the roof!
Medical help!
A week after my incident, feeling like I couldn't handle one more day of this, I made an appointment with a doctor (I didn't even have a family doctor at the time, because I was 26 years old, and 26 year old young men don't get sick, or so I thought). This doctor put me through every test in the book (he was really thorough). Blood work to test for everything, cardiograms, you name it... I took tests for a month... even had a CT scan and an MRI (I even paid for the MRI myself to avoid waiting 6 months at the hospital). Lo and behold, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. So my doctor, who was really being very thorough, thought I had an inner ear disorder, and at the max, I would feel like this for another 3 to 4 months at the most!!! 3 to 4 months... I could be dead by then!!! I can't live like this!!! I'd rather die than feel like I'm going to die feeling like this (did that sentence make any sense)!!! But I went home, cried myself to sleep like I did every day during that first not-knowing what's wrong with me stage, and thought eventually when I die - they will know I wasn't going crazy, and they will discover this "new illness" that is non-diagnosable.
3 months later, I went to my doctor again, and again I complained that my symptoms were getting worse, and they were. By this time, I'd been on sick leave for 3 months, because I couldn't cope going to work. It was too hard. The only thing I could really do, is cry myself to sleep every night, and my one thought which was haunting me during my days, and during my sleep was the fact that I had a terminal illness that no-one could diagnose!!! He eluded during this visit that it wasn't an inner ear disorder, and that I might consider cognitive therapy behavior! To me, this meant going to a psychiatrist... I wasn’t' crazy. I know I was physically sick and I didn't need a shrink asking me questions about how I had suppressed a traumatic child hood memory. I shrugged off the suggestion, to which he told me "go back to work". The longer you stay home, the harder it will be to go back.
Post Comment
Was he ever right, the first day back, after being off for 4 months was hell. That day was July 3rd or 4th, 2000. This pattern continued for months. I would wake up, feel lightheaded, trudge to work, curse at myself that I couldn't do it - and trudge home at 2:30 (always leaving early), knowing I couldn't last the day! This went on for about 6 months. I hated doing anything, because I would be too lightheaded, and possibly pass out, lapse into a coma and that would be it for me!!! By December 2000, I was fed up with living like this. My disease (whatever it was) wasn't going away. I had learned to avoid situations where I had felt terrible... i.e.: meetings (I would schedule big meetings at 8:00am so I could avoid thinking about it the rest of the day, and I would lie coming into the meeting saying I had another meeting at 9:00am so we'd better make it quick - which made me even more dizzy and lightheaded). I would go to restaurants where I know the service was quick so I could avoid getting lightheaded. I would not drive anywhere unless my fiancée was there (I will add a section concerning her at the end - she was great to me) in fear that another attack was imminent. I would avoid physical activity, because imagine getting lightheaded on a golf course, the basketball court, on the bike trail... or heaven forbid... on a canoe trip (my biggest passion) 50 kilometers from nowhere... that would be suicide!!! So in essence, I stopped living! I was already dead and I didn't even know it!
In December, I visited my doctor and again he stressed the psychiatrist. I went. I had decided that I was going crazy anyways, since their was nothing physically wrong with me, so I might as well go, and the shrink would recommend to put me away in an insane asylum since I had convinced myself that I was going mad!!!
Psychiatrist and psychologist
I made the appointment and was scheduled for early February (another two months of this life without any hope). The assessment lasted two sessions, and it went well. She said we could medicate my condition, or she could transfer me to a psychologist who was well versed in Cognitive Therapy Behavior. This gave me some hope, of which I had none before. In early March 2001, I had my first sessions. By this time, I had once again convinced myself that no hope was possible, but I was thinking that perhaps my doctor, psychiatrist and this psychologist might be on to something. Could it simply be some type of stress? Am I this weak that I can't even handle a little pressure at work? After my first session, and after having cried the whole hour I was there and not seeing how this could help, I started searching the net for anything stress related. The first site I found was Jim's site! This would prove to be "THE KEY" factor.
I looked at this site and thought... well, it's 20 bucks. Might as well give it a try. So I did. It was the best $20 I ever spent! Reading Jim's story sounded so familiar, and for the first time in over one year, I thought I finally had something to work on. I could put a color to my problem, so to speak. It was tangible. It wasn't some unknown illness. It was known. It was possible to get better. I had hope. The next day, I felt great. I had this thing licked! I had past the hard part!!! WRONG!!! The day after I felt like death again. The lightheadedness was very debilitating that day, and once again, depression set in! I then confronted my regular doctor, who has turned into a person I can really confide in - to go for the quick fix! Give me something to curb these symptoms. I don't care about the side effects!!! Give it to me I demanded!!! And he did! Two days later, or two paxils later, I felt suicidal! I wanted to jump off a bridge we had nearby! My symptoms had increased
That was a great realization for me!!! I figured out that day, that I had an anxiety problem. I know, I know... Why didn't I figure out that I had anxiety problems before then? The answer is a simple one. If I had an anxiety problem, this meant that I was weak, that I couldn't control normal life occurrences that others could. I was a failure! How could I let this happen. Also, there was also the thought that I was dying of some unknown illness. Whenever I had a serious attack, I always reverted back to thinking "I'm dying, and the doctor's don't know what's going on".
So on that day, I realized. HOLY ****... I'm taking Paxil and seeing a psychologist. They (the doctors) wouldn't have prescribed these things if I had anything else. So a couples of days after stopping to take Paxil (I had only taken 2 pills) I once again visited Jim's site and wrote him a letter, to which he replied the next day, and he told me to hold on, to trust myself that if he got better, I would. Silly enough, Jim had been going through this for 10 years, and me, I'd only been going through it for 1 year. So if Jim got rid of this after 10 years... by god I could do it after only 1 year!
That's when I really started listening to my psychologist, to what he was saying instead of letting my own obscured view of reality take over whenever I had a bad spell. He was instrumental. He made me dissect every negative or convoluted thought I had. Once I would dissect that thought, I could Cleary see that my perception of reality was very dark. I would always look at the worst case scenario when thinking about anything. I would do this because I wouldn't be crushed if the worst did happen. I would always prepare myself for the worst, so I could handle it better. You want to know something, It doesn't work that way!!! When you constantly try to plan for the worst, it happens. To me, the worst thing in the whole world is being sick!!! I hate it!!! A good example was that in March, my Dad told me he needed a triple heart bypass surgery. This crushed me. In my mind, my Dad had already died from the operation he hadn't had yet!!! I thank the skies above that I had started seeing the psychologist already, because he made me see that my Dad wasn't dead yet! In my mind, I could already picture the doctor coming to see me, telling me that my Dad hadn't made it!!! He was dead!!! HE WASN'T SCHEDULED FOR SURGERY UNTIL JULY - YET IN MY MIND HE WAS ALREADY DEAD!!! This is what the psychologist helped me to see. He helped me see that my mind, for whatever reason, triggered the worst case scenario for every thought!!! If I had an appointment, I had to leave 1 hour before! What if I was late, what if something’s happens on the way? I had lived my entire life filled with anxiety. Filled with a series of what ifs!! My life was a WHAT IF, and filled with a bunch of contingency plans if WHAT IF happens!!! It turns out my Dad had a QUINTUPLE bypass surgery, and you want to know something... he was dancing at my brothers wedding last week.
In April and May 2002, only three short months after starting to see the psychologist, I was already feeling a great deal better. I could tackle meetings at work with NO DIFFICULTY. I was feeling confident. My view of reality had changed from a dark cloudy day to a small cloud with a great big silver lining!
I printed off Jim's 9 steps to renewed health and carried them in my backpack where ever I went. I felt that If I had Jim in my pack, I could get through the day. You know what, I did!!! I still see my psychologist once a month, just to talk about how I'm doing and what I've done to get better, and do the thought records that he instructed me to do - and I'll tell you, my thought records today don't even look anything like my thought records of 5 months ago!!!
Last weekend was my brothers wedding, and I was the best man. Well let me tell you that I delivered the best 15 minute best man speech (without notes in front of me - and I hadn't even had a drink yet!) and I left the crowd laughing so hard that I had to stop 5 or 6 times to let the 150 people in attendance time to catch their breath. Just to let you know, this would have been impossible last year!!! I would have never attempted it. I would have come up with any excuse not to do it!!! This is how good I feel.
Back to my fiancée Cindy!
Without her, I don't think I would be here today. We had been dating for 6 months, and that's when I first started getting sick! She never once thought (or told me, or eluded to) the fact that she thought I was a hopeless case. She believed I would get better even when I had given up! I love you Cindy, and I want to let you all know that we are getting married next spring!!! She took care of me and did everything for me! She let me cry on her shoulder every day for about 5 months without ever complaining. Without her, I would not be here today!!!
I know I have gone on for much too long, but I want to let Jim know that his site was an initial trigger for me! Someone else had what I was going through! Although I do deserve some of the credit! I used to never ever take credit for anything... but I actually helped myself in the end. I had to look internally, with the assistance of others, to rid myself of these awful symptoms... and I succeeded.
Congratulations to me!!!
This internal dialogue caused in me a desire to do things I was avoiding before (things I enjoyed) like going to the movies (I avoided this for 6 months).
Two days ago I went to the movies ... I felt anxiety the first half but I fought it off with my new Spirit/Mental strength. By the second half of the movie the anxiety went away.
I left the theater extremely happy and confident, which to my amazement brought my
"dizziness" (a main symtom for 4 months) to 10 % of it's usual strength. Today I also felt less physical symptoms all day. It's not over yet but finally I know I CAN BEAT THIS !