Dear Stephanie,

It sounds like you will profit from a systematic approach to your daughter's noncompliance. One of the ingredients in the approach will be to maintain your own equanimity in the face of your daughter's upset. In addition, you will need to limit (preferably to two) the number of times you will give her a direction. If she doesn't comply after the second direction, she should be placed in time out for a specified period (e.g., five minutes), and the time should be kept with a timer.

If you will utilize the SEARCH function in this Forum,and type in words such as Discipline, Behavior, you will see some specific guidelines about how to respond systematically to a four-year-olds oppositional behavior.

I know how frusterating this can be. I dont want to offend you in any way but I noticed something in your question that COULD be tell tale. You said " when you get angry", Most of the time children act out in the ways they see. If you are showing anger toward her, she knows no other outlet than to show anger back or when she is unhappy. Ask yourself; 1) are you finding yourself yelling at her??  2) Is the word is the word "no" used alot in YOUR in your vocabulary??  I only say this because I have been there and am going thru it again. And final, does she get out of what you asked her to do when she acts this way??
  All these things CAN create or add to her behavior. My advice, things that work for me; 1) Dont EVER give into her when she is behaving like this. Calmly send her to her room, as soon as she says no and before you get angry (carry her there if you have to) and tell her that she can come out when she calms down and is ready to cooperate. When she is allowed out, make her do what you asked, and repeat as many times as necissary. 2) Limit how many times you say no to her. Try other words to replace it, such as " Maybe we can do that another time but we have to get this done now." "I dont have the money to buy that, so maybe the next time we can think about it". Nip it in the bud as soon as the behavior begins. The longer you stuggle with her, the more frusterated you will get and the more likely your behavior will be inappropriet. She will soon get the idea that "mommy is not going to fight with me" and find her efforts not working so eventually she will give up.
  Her comments about yopu not loving her are her way of trying to turn the tables on you. What I do with mine is re-assure her that I do love her. I say " yes I do love you but I dont like how you are acting". When she calms and all is over I sit with her and tell her how much I love her and remind her of the ways.
  Remember, you must always win when it is a power of will against will. All this will take alot of time.
  Mother to mother, I hope I have helped you.  God bless