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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
adjustment to new family
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
adjustment to new family
by Lynne, Aug 16, 2000 12:00AM
I have recently had my ten year old son move into my home.He was living with my mother and her husband for the last ten years.He was pretty much allowed to do whatever he wanted to do.He now lives with myself,a brother and my fiance(other son's father)and now has rules and consquences.My fiance doesn't show favorites with them,he wants them to know they are both equals and are loved just the same.But the two boys are constantly fighting.The oldest boy is always trying to get the youngest into trouble and then will be quick to tell on him.He will tease and instigate until the youngest(7)hits him.We can never get an answer out of him on why he does it.His response is always "I DON'T KNOW".We are always asking him if he is happy with us. He says he is but some times I wonder if he really is.I know in time he will understand everything about this but for now I just want my children to know that everything that I have done was best for them.In the meantime how can I get them to get along a little better and alot less stressful?
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Aug 17, 2000 12:00AM
, Aug 17, 2000 12:00AM
Dear Lynne,
It's important to remember that your son's life has been turned upside down. The fact that you've tried to do what was best for him does not, from his point of view, make much of a difference.
Try to examine the situation from his perspective. In effect, he's left the day-to-day parents he's had for his whole life, as an only child, to move to a new home where he has a sibling. That would be a hard enough adjustment for any child, but to complicate matters he's now encountering some limit-setting that he hasn't been accustomed to.
Try to encourage the kids to pursue their individual interests. They are at different developmental stages, and from that point of view don't have much in common. On the other hand, as siblings they will obviously be together for a good amount of time, so do have a need to at least get along for the sake of the comfort of the whole family.
Be clear about what you expect, particularly re: forms of conflict which are acceptable vs. other manifestations - e.g., fighting - which may not be acceptable. Also be clear about the rewards/consequnces of adhering to your and your husband's expectations.
It would be useful to have some chats with your son about how difficult this transition has been for him. Ask him what it has been lke, what's been difficult, what's been better, etc. The point of such a conversation is to elicit his point of view, to sound him out. Don't inject your own point of view into the discussion.
If you think the amount or intensity of the sibling conflict is well beyond what could be considered typical, consider the possibility of sitting down with a child behavioral health professional to evaluate the situation.
It's important to remember that your son's life has been turned upside down. The fact that you've tried to do what was best for him does not, from his point of view, make much of a difference.
Try to examine the situation from his perspective. In effect, he's left the day-to-day parents he's had for his whole life, as an only child, to move to a new home where he has a sibling. That would be a hard enough adjustment for any child, but to complicate matters he's now encountering some limit-setting that he hasn't been accustomed to.
Try to encourage the kids to pursue their individual interests. They are at different developmental stages, and from that point of view don't have much in common. On the other hand, as siblings they will obviously be together for a good amount of time, so do have a need to at least get along for the sake of the comfort of the whole family.
Be clear about what you expect, particularly re: forms of conflict which are acceptable vs. other manifestations - e.g., fighting - which may not be acceptable. Also be clear about the rewards/consequnces of adhering to your and your husband's expectations.
It would be useful to have some chats with your son about how difficult this transition has been for him. Ask him what it has been lke, what's been difficult, what's been better, etc. The point of such a conversation is to elicit his point of view, to sound him out. Don't inject your own point of view into the discussion.
If you think the amount or intensity of the sibling conflict is well beyond what could be considered typical, consider the possibility of sitting down with a child behavioral health professional to evaluate the situation.
