Aa
Sorry - but another question about problematic five year olds
I have browsed your message boards with great interest as I am at my wits end with my own son's behaviour. Sorry about the long posting.
I have been around small children all of my life being the eldest of eight and 16 yrs older than my youngest sibling, and am a happy mother of 2. My 5yr olds behaviour, however, totally exasperates me.
He has been in nursery (kindergarten) for a year now and is due to go into reception full time in January. His behaviour sometimes is not limited to the home and I work closely with the teachers when we are having problems.
A word I have seen banded around often is spirited and he is definitely this. He has always been a handful, needing constant attention as a baby and even now a lot of the time. If I don`t come up with ideas to do with him he`ll spend the whole day on the computer if I allowed it.
He apparently is almost 2 years ahead with a lot of school work and has been reading very well for a year now (he was 5 in September).
My problem is this. Today for the second time in 2 weeks I have been asked to pick him up from a friends because of fighting. As the old poem says when he is good he is very very good.... I don`t smack my children - it's not a matter of politics it is just that I could not bring myself to do it - but I do discipline by holding back treats and sending them to their room. I also talk them through afterwards as to why they are being punished. Whilst my 3 yr old daughter responds most times, my 5 yr old does not.
It is almost as if he is naughtier as a defense mechanism, he says the cruelest things and refuses to apologise if he has hurt someone, either by what he says or what he does. If I ask him if he understands why I am upset or angry with what he has done he will tell me why I am. If I ask him whether I should be upset he shrugs and says "it doesn`t matter"
He appears to most as a very outgoing boy, but I know a lot of it is front. It is obvious to me that, despite his front, he is extremely sensitive and easily embarassed - which invariably leads to unsocialable behaviour.
I don`t believe for a minute that my son has any diagnosable behaviour problems, he eats well, sleeps well, does well at school and is not normally openly aggressive. However, it feels to me like he needs a constant referee around. Though the main occasions anyone has ever complained to me about his behaviour outside of the home are parents of only children (no disrespect I had an only child once for a little while)
When he plays with children who have siblings, though there are times where they disagree, they almost always manage to sort out their differences fairly without my interruption. But I feel maybe my boy likes to boss too much.
My main point is here that I am trying to help my child consider other peoples feelings and he has so far been unresponsive. I feel I am mothering a teenager as I want to tiptoe around him to avoid the confrontations (though I don`t) but I feel the confrontations are coming more and more.
He is extremely bright and sensitive and I just need some ideas please on how to discipline a child without breaking the spirit and how to help him consider other peoples feelings without compromising his own. Reports I get from some people are "how well mannered" and "how nicely he shares" why then do I get conflicting behaviour (a lot) at home and sometimes from the two parents of only children?
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated....thank you.
I have been around small children all of my life being the eldest of eight and 16 yrs older than my youngest sibling, and am a happy mother of 2. My 5yr olds behaviour, however, totally exasperates me.
He has been in nursery (kindergarten) for a year now and is due to go into reception full time in January. His behaviour sometimes is not limited to the home and I work closely with the teachers when we are having problems.
A word I have seen banded around often is spirited and he is definitely this. He has always been a handful, needing constant attention as a baby and even now a lot of the time. If I don`t come up with ideas to do with him he`ll spend the whole day on the computer if I allowed it.
He apparently is almost 2 years ahead with a lot of school work and has been reading very well for a year now (he was 5 in September).
My problem is this. Today for the second time in 2 weeks I have been asked to pick him up from a friends because of fighting. As the old poem says when he is good he is very very good.... I don`t smack my children - it's not a matter of politics it is just that I could not bring myself to do it - but I do discipline by holding back treats and sending them to their room. I also talk them through afterwards as to why they are being punished. Whilst my 3 yr old daughter responds most times, my 5 yr old does not.
It is almost as if he is naughtier as a defense mechanism, he says the cruelest things and refuses to apologise if he has hurt someone, either by what he says or what he does. If I ask him if he understands why I am upset or angry with what he has done he will tell me why I am. If I ask him whether I should be upset he shrugs and says "it doesn`t matter"
He appears to most as a very outgoing boy, but I know a lot of it is front. It is obvious to me that, despite his front, he is extremely sensitive and easily embarassed - which invariably leads to unsocialable behaviour.
I don`t believe for a minute that my son has any diagnosable behaviour problems, he eats well, sleeps well, does well at school and is not normally openly aggressive. However, it feels to me like he needs a constant referee around. Though the main occasions anyone has ever complained to me about his behaviour outside of the home are parents of only children (no disrespect I had an only child once for a little while)
When he plays with children who have siblings, though there are times where they disagree, they almost always manage to sort out their differences fairly without my interruption. But I feel maybe my boy likes to boss too much.
My main point is here that I am trying to help my child consider other peoples feelings and he has so far been unresponsive. I feel I am mothering a teenager as I want to tiptoe around him to avoid the confrontations (though I don`t) but I feel the confrontations are coming more and more.
He is extremely bright and sensitive and I just need some ideas please on how to discipline a child without breaking the spirit and how to help him consider other peoples feelings without compromising his own. Reports I get from some people are "how well mannered" and "how nicely he shares" why then do I get conflicting behaviour (a lot) at home and sometimes from the two parents of only children?
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated....thank you.
TEACHING SOCAIL RESPONSIBILITY TO A 10 YEAR OLD WAS A QUESTION THAT I RESPONDED TO IN A WAY I WOULD RESPOND TO THIS UNDER ANSWER MY NAME IS JENISE RUSH .SOCIETY FOR GENERATIONS HAVE RAISED BOYS DIFFERENTLY SO READ MY RESPONSE TO THERE ISSUE AND IF YOU WOULD LIKE FURTHER ADVICE PLEASE FEEL TO WRITE ME AT 9599 BRAYTON DRIVE #461 ANCHORAGE ALASKA 99507
I am having a very similar issue with my 5 and 1/2 year old. He has even been suspended for before Kindergarten class for 3 days.
Is there any way to rule out ADD any testing that can be done, I think it will be easier to start eliminating things and if it is just truelly behavioural then it would be easier to eal with.
Any help would be appreciated.
Is there any way to rule out ADD any testing that can be done, I think it will be easier to start eliminating things and if it is just truelly behavioural then it would be easier to eal with.
Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my posting.
As I wasn`t present at his friends home at the time of the incident I could not act with a time out. I did agree with his friends mum however that I would pick him up. When I arrived at his friends home, his friends mum told me that the boys had made up and were playing nicely now. However, I had to stick by my guns and take hime home, which upset both boys and his friends mum.
He has also been grounded (a new one for us) which he understands means no treats, going to fun places or having friends around or going to friends homes. I will see how this works.
He does understand why I brought him home and why I am grounding him, though I feel a little guilty in the sense that he will not tell me his side of the story (though invariably with him is an admission of guilt). However, whether he was completely to blame or provoked he has to understand that I am not going to tolerate fighting.
Every day a new challenge. Thank you again.
Cathy
As I wasn`t present at his friends home at the time of the incident I could not act with a time out. I did agree with his friends mum however that I would pick him up. When I arrived at his friends home, his friends mum told me that the boys had made up and were playing nicely now. However, I had to stick by my guns and take hime home, which upset both boys and his friends mum.
He has also been grounded (a new one for us) which he understands means no treats, going to fun places or having friends around or going to friends homes. I will see how this works.
He does understand why I brought him home and why I am grounding him, though I feel a little guilty in the sense that he will not tell me his side of the story (though invariably with him is an admission of guilt). However, whether he was completely to blame or provoked he has to understand that I am not going to tolerate fighting.
Every day a new challenge. Thank you again.
Cathy
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
See prior response
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Cathy,
Your question poses several issues. First, development of empathy or a concern for others' feelings is a process that occurs gradually over time, and is certainly not reaching a culmonation by the age of five. Essentially, young children are pleasure-seeking and egocentric by nature, and in that sense your son does not sound at all unusual. While there are children who seem to come into the world, if you will, with a kind heart and empathy, that is not the norm.
Second, there's no reason to expect that, during a disciplinary situation, you will receive a reasonable response from your son. Take with a grain of salt anything a young child says during discipline. The key thing is not what the child says, but what you do. Set clear limits, follow through consistently and resolutely with them, and know that by doing so you will help, not hurt, your child. You will not be breaking his spirit, you will be helping him establish sound values and rules of conduct, and improved self-control.
Third, I would characterize your son's 'condition' as a normal-spectrum behavior problem, the resolution of which requires no specialized treatment, but rather continued sound parenting. When it comes to discipline, place the emphasis on action, not talk. Your son will stop his aggressive behavior when he experiences that it is in his best interest to do so, and he will likely need repeated experiences in order to learn this. Be sure to supervise him well when he is playing with another child, and remind him beforehand that aggressive behavior won't be tolerated and that he will immediately be moved to time out if he hurts or attempts to hurt another child.
Overall, it sounds like your son is generally developing well. It's OK that he's on the bossy end. It might not be the best disposition ultimately, but you're not going to alter that very much. He'll need to experience the results of such a stance in his day-to-day dealings with peers. But, to be bossy is one thing - to hurt children is another. Be sure to draw the line on the latter. Dr. KDK
Your question poses several issues. First, development of empathy or a concern for others' feelings is a process that occurs gradually over time, and is certainly not reaching a culmonation by the age of five. Essentially, young children are pleasure-seeking and egocentric by nature, and in that sense your son does not sound at all unusual. While there are children who seem to come into the world, if you will, with a kind heart and empathy, that is not the norm.
Second, there's no reason to expect that, during a disciplinary situation, you will receive a reasonable response from your son. Take with a grain of salt anything a young child says during discipline. The key thing is not what the child says, but what you do. Set clear limits, follow through consistently and resolutely with them, and know that by doing so you will help, not hurt, your child. You will not be breaking his spirit, you will be helping him establish sound values and rules of conduct, and improved self-control.
Third, I would characterize your son's 'condition' as a normal-spectrum behavior problem, the resolution of which requires no specialized treatment, but rather continued sound parenting. When it comes to discipline, place the emphasis on action, not talk. Your son will stop his aggressive behavior when he experiences that it is in his best interest to do so, and he will likely need repeated experiences in order to learn this. Be sure to supervise him well when he is playing with another child, and remind him beforehand that aggressive behavior won't be tolerated and that he will immediately be moved to time out if he hurts or attempts to hurt another child.
Overall, it sounds like your son is generally developing well. It's OK that he's on the bossy end. It might not be the best disposition ultimately, but you're not going to alter that very much. He'll need to experience the results of such a stance in his day-to-day dealings with peers. But, to be bossy is one thing - to hurt children is another. Be sure to draw the line on the latter. Dr. KDK
As an afterthought to my ask for help - my son is also extremely competitive.
At worst I get mega tantrums (if he loses for instance to a computer game), at best sulks or tears if he loses to a person. I don`t know where this has come from - competition is not something we have ever encouraged, both his dad and myself are pretty laid back. If anything from the moment we realised it was an issue we tried to explain that sometimes it was ok for other people to win and that coming second did not mean you had lost. He has a major fear of failure.
He is too young for all these grown up worries. I really don`t know where they come from.
My concerns for him could go on for pages.
Right now I am feeling so guilty. His friends mum had called me earlier to bring him home for fighting and I had given him another lecture. He came back downstairs complaining of a tummy ache. I asked him was he thinking about what had happened and he said he was really sorry. His "tummy ache" was a way of breaking the ice and apologising. He is too proud for a 5 yr old.
He started to tidy up not only his own toys but also his sisters to make up for what had happened. I don`t know where I am with him, one minute he "doesn`t care" and the next he bends over backwards to please.
At worst I get mega tantrums (if he loses for instance to a computer game), at best sulks or tears if he loses to a person. I don`t know where this has come from - competition is not something we have ever encouraged, both his dad and myself are pretty laid back. If anything from the moment we realised it was an issue we tried to explain that sometimes it was ok for other people to win and that coming second did not mean you had lost. He has a major fear of failure.
He is too young for all these grown up worries. I really don`t know where they come from.
My concerns for him could go on for pages.
Right now I am feeling so guilty. His friends mum had called me earlier to bring him home for fighting and I had given him another lecture. He came back downstairs complaining of a tummy ache. I asked him was he thinking about what had happened and he said he was really sorry. His "tummy ache" was a way of breaking the ice and apologising. He is too proud for a 5 yr old.
He started to tidy up not only his own toys but also his sisters to make up for what had happened. I don`t know where I am with him, one minute he "doesn`t care" and the next he bends over backwards to please.
You are reading content posted in the Child Behavior Forum
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Is a gluten-free diet right for you?
We answer your top questions about the flu vaccine.
Learn which over-the-counter medicines are safe for you and your baby
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
Healing home remedies for common ailments
