I felt I needed to respond to this as it reminds me of my life entirely. I came to work in tears this morning over an episode in our home. I am the stepmother to three children. Ages 13 (today) and two 11 year olds (12 at the end of the month). I have been married to their father for 9 years. A year and a half ago, their mother gave up custody of the oldest and one of the twins. In August, she moved away with a man she knew for a month and the other twin. The first two months after she left we still got regular visitation with the child that lives with her. Now we have not seen him in 5 months (and from what we hear from his school, he is a very defiant child). The two boys that live with us get to see their mom when it is convenient for her to get them. However, they seem to put her on a pedestal no matter what happens and my husband and I (especially me) are just evil. Their mother first told us that the child that lives with her didn't want to come anymore because of me. So I offered to leave the home so that my husband could at least see his son. Then she changed the story to he doesn't want to come because he gets blamed for everything. He does get in trouble a lot, because he thinks he can do whatever he wants to. However, the rules in our home are the same for him as the other two. The other two complain that they get blamed for things at her house, but she just responds "I expect them to behave". We expect the same thing from the child that lives with her. Anyway, my husband is missing his one son terribly. We are constantly fighting because of the way the children and their mother treat me. I love my husband and I love those boys, but I am at the end of my rope too. Anyway, I don't want to bore you with my problems, just had to let you know there are others who are going through the same thing. Good luck to you.
Dear Lisa,
It is very difficult to maintain equanimity in the face of the stress you are enduring. But it is important to remember that your stepson is not spending his time wondering about how he can make your life miserable. He is reacting to forces and experiences which have had a corrosive impact on him over a large number of years. Given what he has been through, it is no wonder he is an angry child and that he is not ready to accept, particularly at his age, your jurisdiction as his parent. He has not had the kind of foundation that allows children to develop trusting relationships with parents and others. Inadequate parenting during the childhood years causes emotional wounds that, frankly, never entirley heal, though behavior and self-control can improve.
In addition to your son's medication and therapy, some family component is important also. At the heart of this is the development of a systematic way to manage the behavior, so that you are not re-inventing the wheel or ad libbing each time behaviors occur. When a systematic plan is in place, it can reinforce the kinds of behavior you desire and discourage the problematic behaviors. Also, you need some support, even by way of ventilation, around the difficult challenge you face. Check around for some support groups, and also consider some supportive therapy on an occasional basis for you and your husband.