The advice from this physician is VERY GOOD!!!  Although it is never easy to hear that your child's behavior problems may actually be caused by a parent's actions, keep in mind that the real issue is meeting your children's needs.  Nobody is suggesting that you or your wife are a BAD parent.  We all need help now and then.

Keep in mind that children NEED boundaries.  A lot of the negative behavior you encounter is just the children testing their limits, and it is a NORMAL part of their development.  If you try to look at it as an OPPORTUNITY rather than a PROBLEM, I think you will have an easier time.  My husband and I use some methods which really work well for us, and I would be happy to share them with you.

1) Teach the child that his choices determine his consequences, and that HE is in control of his choices.  The way you implement this strategy will vary with the child's age.  But the idea is that the child should ultimately understand that when he CHOOSES bad behavior, he is also CHOOSING a bad result.

2) Teach the child that he cannot emotionally manipulate the parent.  If he can launch you (or your wife) into chaos, he knows he will have the upper hand.  Stay calm and firm.  Even if you have to leave the room for a few minutes to gather yourself.

3) Respond equally to positive choices.  If you focus on only the bad choices, the child will learn that bad behavior is the tool to get attention.  If you celebrate the good choices, he will soon see that he prefers the positive response, and the good behavior will follow.

4) Limit what you say "NO" to.  We have found that it is easier to follow through and be consistent with discipline when you don't say "NO" to everything, but when you do say "NO", you are prepared to follow through and not back down.  If you want your child to respect you, you MUST FOLLOW THROUGH with your threats and promises.  Don't say "I'm going to kill you!", when you obviously are not going to kill him.  You're creating a pattern of unfulfilled threats, and the child soon learns that you do not mean what you say.

5) As much as possible, allow your child some control.  For example, if you are in the grocery store, and he keeps asking for treats or grabbing things off the shelf, calmly tell him he has two choices.  The first choice is that he can continue misbehaving, and he will get nothing, or the second choice is that he can quietly enjoy looking at the things he wants while you are shopping, and then when you are done, he can choose one toy or treat to take home.  This way, you have set up the parameters, within which he has made the choice.

6) I cannot stress the CHOICE issue enough.  Children need to learn early, while the choices and the consequences are small, that they are responsible for their behavior.  You (or your wife) are not going to negotiate on who makes the decisions.  You are the parent.  You the "race-track".  Your child is "the car".  How he maneuvers on the race-track is his decision.  But he MUST maneuver within the confines of that predetermined racetrack.

7) Allow your child to feel angry or sad or frustrated.  Show him that having those feelings is natural, but help him learn that no matter how he FEELS, he must still make the right choice in how to REACT to his feelings.  Work together on developing appropriate responses to anger, etc., rather than giving the message that it is wrong to feel angry.

8) Do not reinforce bad behavior by reacting to it yourself.  If little Susie is angry that little Johnnie took her toy, and so she screams and pushes him, tell her "I know that must've made you very angry when your brother took your toy.  Let's go tell brother how it made you feel instead of pushing him."  We teach our little ones to "USE YOUR WORDS"; even if their vocabulary is limited, they can learn to say "NO".  Then little Susie needs to see you calmly discipline her brother for taking her toy.  This teaches both children that there is justice to be found in calmly approaching the issues.

9) DO NOT YELL.  Contrary to popular belief, children actually tune you out more the louder you talk.  When you are VERY SERIOUS, try kneeling down to the child's level, holding him firmly, but gently by the shoulders so that you have eye contact, and then whisper or talk softly.

9) VERY IMPORTANT...  The way you respond to your child is essential.  Remain calm and in control of your emotions.  If you let the child wear you down or send you spinning into your own melt-down, then HE is controlling YOU.  Above all, do everything in love.  Reward good behaviors because you love your child.  Punish bad behaviors because you love your child.  Set boundaries and expectations because you love your child.

I hope this helps!  Keep in mind, it will take some time to retrain your children, but I promise it will be worth it.

Lisa     ***@****

In general, children will do things when they see that it is in their vested interest to do them. Thus, when I see children who ignore directions from their parents (children who are otherwise regarded as normal kids), it's usually true that there are inadequacies in the parents' limit setting. Generally, the inadequacy revolves around lack of diligence in insisting on compliance with directions. I usually recommend to parents to refrain from issuing directions more than two times, and that if a direction is repeated after the first time that it is repeated in the form of an 'ultimatum' (but calmly and decisively spoken, not punitively spoken or yelled). A very good program for behavior management is detailed in the book SOS: Help for Parents by Lynn Clark.