Soon to be the evil step-mother

Question

My boyfriend & I have been dating for nearly a year and have recently moved in together.  I have a 4 year old son from a previous marriage that doesn't see his biological father and my boyfriend has a 9 year old daughter from his previous marriage.  He has visitation with his daughter 2 times a month on of which is a week.  I have never written in a question like this so I'm just going to jump right in.  I am having a little bit of difficulty not only with having someone elses child who was raised with different means but with some behavior that she has exhibited lately.  My boyfriend doesn't believe in dicipline in any means, and his daughter is starting to show the effects of that.  She openly defies limits such as bed time and won't do some things asked of her, such as brush her hair, clean up her room, etc.  To me it's normal pre-teen behavior, but what worries me is that her father doesn't see any of it as a problem and won't inforce guidelines.  I think some guidlines need to be set up so that this sort of "do what I want" behavior doesn't continue.  He wants her time with us to be enjoyable so that she will want to come back.  I understand that children of divorce have a difficult time as well as the parents.  I want to make it easier for her, however I don't want my son to see her behavior and think it's acceptable .  There is also the problem of how to in a sense combat things that she is allowed to do at her mom's house, such as staying up until 4 am watching programs unsuitable for 9 year old eyes.  I am at a loss!  Could anyone give me some suggestions

mzmandyrae85 · Answer

A related discussion, 8 year old help!! was started.

George78 · Answer

I am in a simular sitution except I am the father who had a daughter in a previous realtionship. In my new realtionship,which is on hiatus ,we also have a daughter together.Stepmom has begun to refuse our realtionship and has kicked us out. My daughter who is five years old argues with her stepmom.  Well, the five year old said she doesn't want a mommy.(Her biological mother abandoned her when she was three months) ANd stepmom took it to heart and said fine.Then proceeded to kick us out. I find this sort of reaction very hard and troubling. My daughter is doing her best to be strong. She is five years old! She is going to need disciplne. ANd even more so now from her stepmom not just me. SHe will disobey when I am not around.(I mean not all the time,but you know how kids are.)But I'll find out whats been going on when I get home and I don't think it's still to late to discpline. Even when you hurt someone's feelings. I am very active with discipling. I find without it, it would be alot harder to somewhat mange my five year old. She is crying out for attention and a motherly figure. We all need attention and when we don't get our way we act out. It's nice to know you'll make it through this it gives me hope.

lovelyz · Answer

I am living the same kind of situation.  I have 1 son through previous relationship, and my husband has 2 children through previous relationship.  He feels the same way when his children come over to not discipline because he wants them to want to come back.  His son can be very disrespectful to me every time I talk to him.  My husband ignores this, until I continue to talk with my husband and make him realize that our time with all the children can be enjoyable, but we have rules of our home that must be followed when they visit.  It is hard for men to see what they are doing.  It's like they get blinded by their own children, but it takes a good woman to have patience and keep talking with your boyfriend or husband.  It'll turn around and things will get better.

Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. · Answer

There are so many books on this topic that I am reluctant to steer you in a certain direction. Nonetheless, two very useful books are James Dobson's The New Dare to Discipline and William & Martha Sears' The Discipline Book: How to Have A Better-Behaved Child from Birth to Age Ten.

Klaudia · Answer

Are there any books you can recommend that we can read to try to get on the same page?

Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. · Answer

All you and her father can do is be the best possible parents while she is with you. Invariably there are going to be differences in the different households, but her life in her mother's household is not yours to dictate. It will be important for you and her father, sooner rather than later, to reach agreement on your expectations for her while she is with you. Designing things so that she will be pleased and therefore want to come back is not a healthy approach. Sensible guidelines and appropriate, reasonable limit-setting are aspects of sound parenting. Such things as stable bedtimes, household expectations (re: rountines, self-care, hygiene, chores) are important to sound development. It will ultimately prove damaging if you and her father aren't "on the same page", so to speak.

Soon to be the evil step-mother

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