Aa
Anxious and bossy
Hi,
my 8 year old daughter is a lot of joy but she has a difficulty controlling her emotions. She has a lot of friends but lately more and more she tends to be very defensive and bossy towards them. She gets angry very quickly, tries to teach them instead of playing with them, talks with attitude and a lot of time suspects unfairness on their part. We've talked to her and she is usually very sorry for being rude (when she cools down) but she can't seem to control this behavior. What worries me is that her friends are going to turn away from her and that our constant nagging may label her a mean child. I notice already that she does not have a good opinion of herself. Some days she asks me if I am angry with her many times and apologizes for every mistake. Other days she is very defensive and talks with attitude. She spends several hours daily in daycare (they provide aftercare for school-age children as well as daycare for younger kids, and camp for summer). She has been there since 3 y/o and has old friends. I talked to the daycare teacher and it seems that girls in her group have a lot of "cat" fights and talking with attitude going on.
Is it normal for 8-year olds? How should I deal with this? Should I change the daycare?
She also has difficulties dealing with challenging or out of routine situations - she cries or wines for help. She hates to be by herself in any room in the house. When playing on her own she usually is a teacher and teaches her imaginary kids. While it is very educational, she tends to be very short and strict with her students. She also is very sensitive to other people behavior - she interprets my serious tone of voice as yelling. She is also experiencing stomach and head aches in stressful situations. She seems to be on "the edge" all the time.
I have to add that she really wants to cooperate - tries to listen to us and follows our instructions (we try not to give in to her cries or wines and she is doing less and less of that) but also gets angry when other kids are not following the same rules and wants to impose them herself.
Thanks for the help
aga
my 8 year old daughter is a lot of joy but she has a difficulty controlling her emotions. She has a lot of friends but lately more and more she tends to be very defensive and bossy towards them. She gets angry very quickly, tries to teach them instead of playing with them, talks with attitude and a lot of time suspects unfairness on their part. We've talked to her and she is usually very sorry for being rude (when she cools down) but she can't seem to control this behavior. What worries me is that her friends are going to turn away from her and that our constant nagging may label her a mean child. I notice already that she does not have a good opinion of herself. Some days she asks me if I am angry with her many times and apologizes for every mistake. Other days she is very defensive and talks with attitude. She spends several hours daily in daycare (they provide aftercare for school-age children as well as daycare for younger kids, and camp for summer). She has been there since 3 y/o and has old friends. I talked to the daycare teacher and it seems that girls in her group have a lot of "cat" fights and talking with attitude going on.
Is it normal for 8-year olds? How should I deal with this? Should I change the daycare?
She also has difficulties dealing with challenging or out of routine situations - she cries or wines for help. She hates to be by herself in any room in the house. When playing on her own she usually is a teacher and teaches her imaginary kids. While it is very educational, she tends to be very short and strict with her students. She also is very sensitive to other people behavior - she interprets my serious tone of voice as yelling. She is also experiencing stomach and head aches in stressful situations. She seems to be on "the edge" all the time.
I have to add that she really wants to cooperate - tries to listen to us and follows our instructions (we try not to give in to her cries or wines and she is doing less and less of that) but also gets angry when other kids are not following the same rules and wants to impose them herself.
Thanks for the help
aga
I have heard, too, that when kids are harsh with their toys in that way - they are in charge, and the toys are "under" them, that they often work through things that are bothering them that way, and express things they couldn't say. And then, too, sometimes it is just play :-)
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
To some extent the behavior your daughter is displaying with her peers is not really unusual for the age. She will likely make adjustments as she moves along and receives feedback from her peers about what they find acceptable and not acceptable. Unless you witess her mistreating a peer, it's not something you need to involve yourself in apart from the usual guidance that parents tend to offer. At this age children are figuring out where they fit in, so to speak, and the peer relationships are worked out in the context of activities. So it is encouraging that she is engaged with her peers. It might be helpful for her to be exposed to different children and within a different structure than she's experiencing at the after school program, but at the same time there would be no pressing need to make a change. The important thing is whether she's happy with the situation and has some contact with same-age peers. Likewise, I would not suggest you interfere with her solitary play - it's fine. Relative to parent/child interactions, she may be quite sensitive to indications of displeasure on your part, and she may tend to regard routine limit-setting as rejecting in some way. If she is acting in a disproportionate way it would be useful to have brief exchanges with her about 'where she stands' with you. At this point it does not sound like any professional intervention is required, but keep an eye on the peer relationships to be sure she isn't alienating herself.
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