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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
7 Year old daughter having tantrums
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
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7 Year old daughter having tantrums
by SingMom, Aug 12, 2003 12:00AM
I am a single mom of a precious 7 year old daughter. She is very bright and very aware of things around her. The problem I am having with her is, when she throws a tantrum, I take a privilege away from her. She begs, whines, yells, screams thinking that I will give in a let her do the privilege that I took away. I refuse to give in. She has had her way her whole life with me and her Grandma. Now I am trying to establish some rules in our house and she is not liking it. When she screams and yells (she touches me while she is doing this, just with her finger or hand lightly). I have asked her calmly to stop her yelling and screaming and she yells back that she will stop when I stop first. She wants to be in control and wants her way all of the time. She is very strong willed. I have made the mistake of treating her like a mini-adult. She goes with me wherever I go, and if she cannot go, than I don't go. She only has these tantrums with me and not any one else. When she has calmed down, I try and sit down with her to talk about her behaviors and that they are unacceptable. Her reply is ok, I won't do it again. When she throws her fits, she watches for my reaction, and if I react to her by saying something or just ignoring her she continues to get very loud with her screaming and yelling. I have been successful with getting her distracted with doing silly things, but when we sit down and talk, then she says she doesn't want to talk about it because she will just get mad again. We have talked about trying to control our anger and some things to do that, but when I suggest them before she gets out of control, she just refuses to use them to calm herself down. Am I going in the right direction by taking her privileges away from her and that she has to earn them back by showing appropriate behaviors? When I am talking to adults, she constantly interrupts me and wants my attention or who ever I am talking to. Some days I do not do very well in keeping my cool when dealing with her. When I talk to her, I say )I am frustrated by you behaviors). I guess I just need to know if I am missing anything and if I am dealing with this in the right way? Most days she if great, but than those days that are not so great. Please lead me in the right direction. Also lately, she has been asking about her dad. He has choosen not be be in her life at all. She said she acts this way because her dad doesn't live with as. I have explained to her that this would never happen because of the choice her dad made. Could this be part of the problem? I am trying to stay strong and not show my emotions when she is like this, but it gets very hard at times. Thanks alot.
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Aug 13, 2003 12:00AM
, Aug 13, 2003 12:00AM
For a child this age, you will be better off if you employ time out instead of withdrawing privileges, at least as a tactic to eliminate 'tantrums'. Her behavior is clearly volitional - she does it on purpose to express her anger and to coerce you to change your mind. A sound program of behavior management will greatly reduce, and perhaps even eliminate, the behavior. Now, it is very important that you maintain your equanimity when dealing with your daughter. It doesn't help when we are addressing our children's management of anger and at the same time we are not controlling our own anger very well. Yes, your daughter's behavior will be frustrating and difficult - that is no excuse for losing your temper. Let her know that she will receive a 15-minute time out for (a) any tantrum behavior and (b) interrupting when you are speaking with someone. Her time out place should be an adult-size chair, away from distractions. Track the time with a portable timer (such as a cooking timer), and strat the timer only when she is seated and quiet. If she makes any noise during the time out, start the time over. In addition to the punishment part of the plan, you can establish an incentive system whereby you rate her twice daily on how well she is controlling her anger. Use a behavior chart that is organized like a calendar. Each day will have two blocks. When she refrains from tantrums, place a sticker on the appropriate block, and give her some modest reward (it can be a treat, a small sum of money, etc). The important things about the reward are (a) that it be someting she thinks is a reward, and (b) that it be immediate.
I really do not know what to do about this, or how to go about it. I cannot really identify why she is acting this way. Can someone please give me some guidance.
Thanks in advance