Member Comments are provided by individuals and reflect their personal opinions only. Under NO circumstances should you act on any advice or opinion posted in this forum. ALWAYS check with your personal physician before taking any action regarding your health! MedHelp International and our partners, sponsors and affiliates have no obligation to monitor any comments posted on this site, or the content and/or accuracy of such exchanges. MedHelp International does not endorse the views of any user.
Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
20 month baby sleeps in bed w/ parents and parents love it
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
|
20 month baby sleeps in bed w/ parents and parents love it
by Viena, Jan 25, 2005 12:00AM
Our daughter is 20 months old and to us she is pretty perfect. However, she started sleeping in our bed at 6 months, when her teeth started to come because she would wake every hour and no one was getting any sleep. Due to this we put her in our bed, she would nurse/pacify on the breast at night and my husband (and sole bread-winner-early riser)never even know she was awake anymore! So, she began sleeping through the night and we tried to return her to her crib (because everyone told us she should, not becuse we wanted to) but she would wake up when we would move her and getting her to sleep was even worse than before her teeth where coming in. By then (about one month) my husband and I had grown used to her being in bed w/ us and we loved it! We don't drink or use drugs and our matress is only 4 years old and very solid and there's no separation from the head-borad and the matress and she sleeps in between us both. She has an amazing vocabulary, has only had a fever once and a "cold" due to her teeth (according to her Dr.)and is a very friendly, outgoing child. I am still nursing her and will continue until she is two years old.
I am writing to ask three questions: Is there a psychogical risk in a child sleeping with her parents i.e. low self esteem, lack of independece, or is it the opposite as a child psychologist once told me and it is a positive thing because she feels wanted and protected? She seems to be such a secure child...and we love it so.... Second question: What's the drop-dead age at which we should steer her to sleep in her crib or todler bed if she never asks ?(we ask her all the time just to check but we're happy when she says she wants us.) Third question: Can you please recommend books or articles that have been published on the subject evn if some are pro and some are con so that we can decide how to proceed before her 2nd birthday.
Thank you for any help you can give!!!!
I am writing to ask three questions: Is there a psychogical risk in a child sleeping with her parents i.e. low self esteem, lack of independece, or is it the opposite as a child psychologist once told me and it is a positive thing because she feels wanted and protected? She seems to be such a secure child...and we love it so.... Second question: What's the drop-dead age at which we should steer her to sleep in her crib or todler bed if she never asks ?(we ask her all the time just to check but we're happy when she says she wants us.) Third question: Can you please recommend books or articles that have been published on the subject evn if some are pro and some are con so that we can decide how to proceed before her 2nd birthday.
Thank you for any help you can give!!!!
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Jan 25, 2005 12:00AM
, Jan 25, 2005 12:00AM
To address the last question first, there is so much written on this topic that I won't begin to steer you in any particular direction. However, if you take a look at any material published by the Gessell Institute in New York, you can place your faith in the material.
While you will certainly encounter some difference in opinion re: children sleeping with their parents, the overwhelming majority of Child Development and Child Mental Health professionals advise parents that this is not a good idea. Will it definitely result in problems for your daughter? I can't say that it will, but you are running an unnecessary risk. One question to ask yourselves is whether you might be putting your own need ahead of that of your child. That is, you mention a couple of times how much you like the arrangement. Perhaps so, but consider that your need and your daughter's best interest might be different.
Since it is not generally thought to be a good idea to have the sleeping arrangement you have, there is really no answer to your second question, since it shopuldn't be happening to begin with. The longer you maintain the arrangement, generally speaking, the greater the problem you invite down the road.
One variable to consider is your and your husband's needs for intimacy, and how you are able to enjoy a satisfying and healthy sexual relationship with your daughter sleeping with you. This is not a small matter, and deserves some consideration.
While you will certainly encounter some difference in opinion re: children sleeping with their parents, the overwhelming majority of Child Development and Child Mental Health professionals advise parents that this is not a good idea. Will it definitely result in problems for your daughter? I can't say that it will, but you are running an unnecessary risk. One question to ask yourselves is whether you might be putting your own need ahead of that of your child. That is, you mention a couple of times how much you like the arrangement. Perhaps so, but consider that your need and your daughter's best interest might be different.
Since it is not generally thought to be a good idea to have the sleeping arrangement you have, there is really no answer to your second question, since it shopuldn't be happening to begin with. The longer you maintain the arrangement, generally speaking, the greater the problem you invite down the road.
One variable to consider is your and your husband's needs for intimacy, and how you are able to enjoy a satisfying and healthy sexual relationship with your daughter sleeping with you. This is not a small matter, and deserves some consideration.
This thing that americans have against sharing the bed with children is only a cultural thing, there are many different cultures in the world that approve and practice bed sharing and their kids grow up perfectly normal. And regarding intimacy ... I think you have some other rooms in your house, beside your bedroom, don't you?
I think that you should read the books of William and Martha Sears, they wrote a lot about bed sharing, and so many other things. I found myself in their style of parenting, in a world where every one else I knew was telling me that I should have let my babies cry-themselves-out to sleep and that it was not good sharing the bed with them.
Try the Sears!
Good luck for everything!
as a baby, our first child had troubles falling asleep and staying asleep, but she was fine if she could share our bed, so we let her sleep with us every time she wanted to; she is now almost 7, she is a great sleeper and she is been perfectly fine sleeping alone in her bed in her own room since a long time. We did the same with our second, he's now three and sleeping more and more in his own bed.
They both know that they can share our big bed any time they need to, they feel safe knowing this, and I am sure that this is the reason they also feel safe sleeping alone.
Trust your instinct: if your baby, you and your husband are all happy, you can't be wrong.
You seem to not want to hear it because it's not the answer you want.
I think you ARE putting your needs ahead of your child's, and just because your child says she's happy with the arrangement doesn't mean it's a good thing. I'm sure if she had her way, she'd eat candy and soda for every meal, but that doesn't mean it's good for her.
My son was never in my bed until he was 2. When he got sick and I needed to monitor him overnight regularly, I took him to sleep with me. As far as sleep-disorders goes, he has a major sleep disorder, present from before he ever slept in my bed. He continues to sleep with me periodically because he is better rested when he is not alone all night. If I have more kids, this time I won't feel guilty about a family bed because we - as a family - find it works for us.
I think the only time a family bed is a problem is if a)it interferes or is a problem for the family relationship, or b)if they don't learn good sleep hygiene (a problem no matter where a child sleeps). Otherwise, if your child is happy and healthy, more power to you.
My son is almost 2 1/2 and he sleeps