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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
10 yr old Girl / Manipulative
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
10 yr old Girl / Manipulative
by yma611, Jul 23, 2005 12:00AM
This is my niece. She is very sweet, and very smart, but she exhibits certain behaviors that concern her mother & I. Her mother is her adoptive mother, as her real mother left her when she was 6ms old, and has shown up spratically, and has also had 5 more children after my niece, and has given up all of them, as well. Abandonment issues are there, but she doesn't show much feelings, either way...happy or sad.
Ok...she lies, she exagerates, she shows off, she tells stories to me about her parents that are wrong and when she is confronted she swears it was a miscommunication. She is on 2 different meds for ADHD...Strattera & Aderal. She is showing signs of sexual behavior. Teaching the young boys next door how to play spin the bottle, and she gets upset when boys don't like her. When we have gone swimming, my baby boys who are almost 2 didn't have swim suits on, and she would duck underwater to look at their penis. She is very annoying to the other children she befriends. Her mother found an email she wrote saying she wanted to have sex with a certain boy. My mother caught her with her pants down in someone elses bed. She doesn't listen to instruction and has a hard time using manners. I made her write 20 times "I will say please" she turned it into a game and wrote 30x's "because that's what I wanted to do...how old are you auntie? Ok than I will write it 33x's" So her punishment didn't work. She didn't care. She doesn't cry for anything, she shows no emotions while getting punished, and her consequences do not effect her and they do no good. When she is told to do something, she finds 30 things to do in the middle of her task to procrastinate, making the adults repeat 30x's for her to continue to task. When she thinks the task is done, it actually isn't. Then when she is getting in trouble she whines and says "I'm always getting yelled at" and acts like she is starting to feel bad about her self. She has been to therapists & child psychologists who she manipulates and the doctor tells her mom & dad that they are the ones that need counceling. She is not verbally abusive, nor does she swear or use foul language. She throws away her homework, and hides notes from the teachers getting close to failing some classes, but she has excelled in Lacrosse. Her parents as well as I, because I watch her during the summer vacation, has tried every punishment, have tried to talk to her, have asked her to create her own punishment, have made lists...if we can think of it we do it. Without success. She also has a 19yr old male cousin that we have found alone with her one several occassions. She may provoke it.
What could possibly be the problem, and what unconventional ways she we take to help her. Both her mom & I have done research, and somethings point to ODD...She is a great liar, and it is hard to distinguish the truth from her stories. Her lack of compassion for consequences, and her sexual exploration is probably the biggest concerns.
Ok...she lies, she exagerates, she shows off, she tells stories to me about her parents that are wrong and when she is confronted she swears it was a miscommunication. She is on 2 different meds for ADHD...Strattera & Aderal. She is showing signs of sexual behavior. Teaching the young boys next door how to play spin the bottle, and she gets upset when boys don't like her. When we have gone swimming, my baby boys who are almost 2 didn't have swim suits on, and she would duck underwater to look at their penis. She is very annoying to the other children she befriends. Her mother found an email she wrote saying she wanted to have sex with a certain boy. My mother caught her with her pants down in someone elses bed. She doesn't listen to instruction and has a hard time using manners. I made her write 20 times "I will say please" she turned it into a game and wrote 30x's "because that's what I wanted to do...how old are you auntie? Ok than I will write it 33x's" So her punishment didn't work. She didn't care. She doesn't cry for anything, she shows no emotions while getting punished, and her consequences do not effect her and they do no good. When she is told to do something, she finds 30 things to do in the middle of her task to procrastinate, making the adults repeat 30x's for her to continue to task. When she thinks the task is done, it actually isn't. Then when she is getting in trouble she whines and says "I'm always getting yelled at" and acts like she is starting to feel bad about her self. She has been to therapists & child psychologists who she manipulates and the doctor tells her mom & dad that they are the ones that need counceling. She is not verbally abusive, nor does she swear or use foul language. She throws away her homework, and hides notes from the teachers getting close to failing some classes, but she has excelled in Lacrosse. Her parents as well as I, because I watch her during the summer vacation, has tried every punishment, have tried to talk to her, have asked her to create her own punishment, have made lists...if we can think of it we do it. Without success. She also has a 19yr old male cousin that we have found alone with her one several occassions. She may provoke it.
What could possibly be the problem, and what unconventional ways she we take to help her. Both her mom & I have done research, and somethings point to ODD...She is a great liar, and it is hard to distinguish the truth from her stories. Her lack of compassion for consequences, and her sexual exploration is probably the biggest concerns.
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Jul 24, 2005 12:00AM
, Jul 24, 2005 12:00AM
There is every indication that your niece exhibits an attachment-based emotional disorder. Such conditions arise from inadequate parenting during the early months of life and result in the sorts of impulsive, pleasure-driven behaviors you describe. This appears to be the fundamental problem and it invites professional intervention. Perhaps the most important ingredient in addressing such a situation is a systematic method for managing behavior. In this sense, the guidance her parents received about getting some help is sensible. That is, the child makes changes in response to the behaviors (particularly re: behavior management) that the parents (and other caretakers) display. One thing to note is your comment about her being alone with the nineteen year old male cousin. You imply, or at least I infer, some possible sexualized aspect to their contact. However, remember that he is nineteen - she cannot 'provoke' anything. If any inappropriate behavior occurred, he is responsible for it. Her parents have been correct in going in the direction of help - they should not give up on that pursuit.
I love my niece, and I want to help her. and I am tired of trying to punish her, and feeling like I am always yelling at her. I know that her mother has 1000 more incidents, and is tired as well. We are advocates for her, but she is constantly testing and pushing and defying and disrespecting. May I add that her mother and I are the most hard on her as well. We "expect" things from her, where her grandparents & father are more relaxed and feel more "pity" for her because of her ADHD and her real mother splitting on her. They tend to let most things slide.
sorry so long...hope you can help...
-A
What type of help should the family get. Again, everyone is involved in her life. Her stepmom has only been involved in her life for 5-6yrs. She was raised by her grandparents & her father who at the time of her birth was only 17. The grandmother "pities" her and at times has been extremely critical of the parenting she gets, and also says things in front of her that she shouldn't ie: "You shouldn't be so hard on her" Grandma thinks she is a typical 10yr old, and everyone else needs to let up. This past weekend we went away to the family camp and brought our niece...parents took a vacay by themselves. I was the authority figure the entire weekend, then grandma showed up, and had completely different set of rules for her, and she became confused. Grandma really yelled at her for something that I let her do all weekend, and then told her mom that what I was doing was wrong. Which to my husband and I (this is my husbands mother)was fine and not a problem. We are 33 & 36yrs old, and parents ourselves. My niece also reverted to calling grandama "Mommy" and grandma likes that, and didn't correct her. (a bit of a power struggle thing with her daughter in law, who she calls mommy, too...grandma was mom for the 1st 5 yrs)
What should the first steps be while waiting for an appointment? What type of specialist should she see? and what should we tell her in terms of her behavior? Do you think she knows exactly what she is doing...like being calcuating with her actions? What would be the best temporary form of punishment or treatment for her behavior until a professional recommends something more permanent? And how can we differenciate between her lying and telling the truth...it is very difficult. And what should we tell Grandma about how grandma needs to be?
I thank you so much for your response.
-amy