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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
10 year old afraid to sleep by herself
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
10 year old afraid to sleep by herself
by alexsmom44, Aug 19, 2005 12:00AM
My daughter, who will be 10 in October, has recently had difficulty falling asleep and if she does wake up, wants to come & sleep on my floor with me & my husband. She gets very upset and refuses to sleep in her room. She gets so upset that she is almost hysterical & then starts getting very "mouthy" and disrespectful which send her dad over the edge. She'll then tell him that she hates him and say "no" I won't go back in my room. She also insists on sleeping with several night lights, a small lamp & a radio. We don't know how to get her to stay in her room & go back to sleep when she wakes up. She did this when she was about 4 years old and we let her sleep on our floor for about 9 months but want to put a stop to this now. She has always been very attached to me (her mom) and still cries at age 9 if I go out to dinner with friends. I always feel guilty when I go out and feel under pressure to return home ASAP. We just don't know how to deal with her - her dad thinks she should be afraid to come into our room but fear of punishment doesn't seem to affect her. Also, she is very "mouthy" in general - not very compliant at all and this is a concern too. She is not that way at school so I know that it is something we're doing / not doing. She gets very belligerant & upset if things don't go her way or she doesn't get to do something she wants. HELP!
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Aug 19, 2005 12:00AM
, Aug 19, 2005 12:00AM
It sounds like your daughter displays some separation anxiety, compunded by some 'bad habits' in the parent/child interactions. There is no problem with the night lights, lamp, etc., but you definitely should not defer to her wish to sleep in your room. Be faithful to the plan of returning her to her room. Punishment is not a good idea in managing this sort of behavior/situation, but do be firm about your limits. Remember that you accomodated her for some months when she was younger, so it's understandable she'll hold out that you'll do the same thing again. Relative to her overall behavior, particularly her oppositionality, a systematic response is the most effective way to respond. Two things might be useful to you: (a) employ a consistent behavior management plan; you can find a very good one in Lynn Clark's book titled SOS: Help for Parents; (b) arrange a consult with a mental health professional who can evaluate your daughter and guide you.
I would say read "how to talk so kids will Listen & Listen so
kids will talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. AMAZING life changes will happen to your family; you will take back control, establish loving boundaries, and the book will inspire cooperation from children, as they will feel that they are being heard, you will help your child attain a positive self image and great self esteem.
They don't feel understood. Don't advise kids. Reflect their feelings, Say back to them how they are feeling. This is important. No snap answers when they ask questions. Let them figure it out. 'I can hear how angry you are'....
'I bet you felt like.....' 'It must have been hard....'
these little hints offered in the book will make you realize how we always want to minimize them, dis them, kid of be in control. This book will change your whole outlook and your childs.
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