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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
11 yr. old boy needs mom to sleep
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
11 yr. old boy needs mom to sleep
by sleepless in spain, Sep 26, 2005 12:00AM
A year ago, when school started I began with a new plan for my son to sleep in his own room. This was a long overdue situation, going through a divorce 3 years ago, only compounded it. My ex and I did make a conscious decision to maintain a friendly relationship and keep our son as our number 1 priority, and when married we were not fighting or argueing. My son and I live in Spain and his father is in Florida, up until the beginning of this year, he was seeing his father much more frequently because he was traveling back and forth. He now sees him summers, christmas holidays and usually one other week vacation.
When we first started with the new sleeping arrangement, it was rough for a few months. I would lay in the bed below him until he fell asleep, later he would fall asleep on his own. Most times I would be patient and understanding, sometimes I would loose my patience, but things did get gradually better. I realized that getting angry and yelling only compounded the problem. By the time he went off to Florida for the summer, he was doing much better, sleeping most nights all night in his room. He was still not sleeping over at friends' homes, after an experience he had where he couldn't fall asleep at everyone else did. He only would sleep with his father and my mother, in their bed with them. He went off for the summer and slept in the same bed with his father, now I feel like I am starting all over again. After the summer he went to sleep at my mother's and threw either an anxiety attack or temper tantrum keeping my mother up until 2 and calling me twice to pick him up. I told him no, and not to call again. The next night I was up until 2 again with him because he was scared he had seen something on t.v. that scared him.
My son does not exhibit any other behavior problems, he is a great student, great eater, has lots of friends, and is healthy. I do think that he is emotionally oversensitive at times, has been over consented, has displayed some anxiety in the past but I don't think more than normal. Is this primarily my son manipulating me or is the problem deeper than that?, does he have separation anxiety, sleep onset insomnia ( I have been searching the web)?? Should I bite the bullet and start over hoping that the process will move quicker this time, or should I take more drastic measures??? I have an appointment for next week to see a therapist. I am glad I found your forum and see that this is not an uncommon problem. I would like to think that my son won't have sleeping disturbances for the rest of his life.
When we first started with the new sleeping arrangement, it was rough for a few months. I would lay in the bed below him until he fell asleep, later he would fall asleep on his own. Most times I would be patient and understanding, sometimes I would loose my patience, but things did get gradually better. I realized that getting angry and yelling only compounded the problem. By the time he went off to Florida for the summer, he was doing much better, sleeping most nights all night in his room. He was still not sleeping over at friends' homes, after an experience he had where he couldn't fall asleep at everyone else did. He only would sleep with his father and my mother, in their bed with them. He went off for the summer and slept in the same bed with his father, now I feel like I am starting all over again. After the summer he went to sleep at my mother's and threw either an anxiety attack or temper tantrum keeping my mother up until 2 and calling me twice to pick him up. I told him no, and not to call again. The next night I was up until 2 again with him because he was scared he had seen something on t.v. that scared him.
My son does not exhibit any other behavior problems, he is a great student, great eater, has lots of friends, and is healthy. I do think that he is emotionally oversensitive at times, has been over consented, has displayed some anxiety in the past but I don't think more than normal. Is this primarily my son manipulating me or is the problem deeper than that?, does he have separation anxiety, sleep onset insomnia ( I have been searching the web)?? Should I bite the bullet and start over hoping that the process will move quicker this time, or should I take more drastic measures??? I have an appointment for next week to see a therapist. I am glad I found your forum and see that this is not an uncommon problem. I would like to think that my son won't have sleeping disturbances for the rest of his life.
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Sep 27, 2005 12:00AM
, Sep 27, 2005 12:00AM
You should definitely return to your regimen of having him sleep in his own bed. He has regressed due to the change he encountered while with his father, but he'll be able to return to his prior achievement. Be sure to be consistent and clear about this - no wavering. And you are absolutely correct that it will not help if you don't maintain your equanimity. Becoming angry and yelling will accomplish nothing. This form of separation anxiety can be remedied if you stick to your plan. Wheter or not there is some insomnia is not clear due to the other issue. That will only become clear once he is settled back into the plan of going to sleep in his own bed and falling asleep without your participation.
And ignore his tantrums. Maybe you won't be going anywhere at night for awhile, but he is locked in babyhood, definitely.
Warn him that if he is going to go to sleepovers at friends, or stay overnight anywhere, he better learn this style of sleeping quickly.
Woofy