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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
Separation Anxiety Behavior
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
Separation Anxiety Behavior
by sophiesmom, Jan 13, 2006 12:00AM
My daughter, not yet four years old, seems to be expressing separation anxiety in a variety of behaviors. For example, she is aggressive with other children at day care ¨C although she does not cry when I leave her there, and clearly loves her teachers and classmates. At home, she exhibits obsessive behavior such as carefully placing her toys and clothes on the floor and furniture and not allowing anyone to move them. She will only sleep alone if moved to her own bed after she falls asleep. The stories she makes up invariably run, ¡°Once upon a time, the little elephant lost his mommy, and he cried¡ Then he found his mommy, and he was very happy. The end.¡±
My husband is often away on business, and my parents and siblings, whom my daughter loves, live in other states ¨C she misses all of them. My husband and I take pains to show and express our love for our daughter, verbally and physically, but she continues to express worries of being apart from us and others. I spend all of my non-working hours with her, sometimes at the expense of my own needs. Is she picking up frustrated feelings from me that increase her anxiety?
Will she eventually grow out of her anxiety? Is there more we should be doing? Is some form of professional intervention advisable?
My husband is often away on business, and my parents and siblings, whom my daughter loves, live in other states ¨C she misses all of them. My husband and I take pains to show and express our love for our daughter, verbally and physically, but she continues to express worries of being apart from us and others. I spend all of my non-working hours with her, sometimes at the expense of my own needs. Is she picking up frustrated feelings from me that increase her anxiety?
Will she eventually grow out of her anxiety? Is there more we should be doing? Is some form of professional intervention advisable?
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Jan 14, 2006 12:00AM
, Jan 14, 2006 12:00AM
The aggressive behavior at school and the compulsive ordering of items in her room are not necessarily indicative of separation anxiety. However, it is clear that your daughter worries about being apart from you, and this is not an uncommon fear/concern for a child of four. The personnel at the daycare setting should set firm limits on her aggression and time her out immediately for any aggressive gesture. Re: her worry about separation, be supportive and understanding, but do not overreact to the concern by offering excessive reassurance - this may only serve to exacerbate the matter. If your instincts lead you to think that your daughter's level of anxiety is excessive, arrange for an evaluation by a pediatric mental health professional. That person can meet face-to-face with your daughter and give you feedback about wheter the anxiety is within the normal spectrum or warrants concern.
Member Comments (5)
by dkny_bum, Jan 14, 2006 12:00AM
my son is about to turn 4 in about 6 months and he was diagnosed with severe seperation anxiety disorder about 6 months ago , so he is goinf through counsiling and all that but still he is frightened to be away from me or his father and its very tough and it takes away from things i would like to be doin but cant right now, but i love him and i am doing all i can do now to help him and all i can tell u to do is just wait it out and also let him interact with children more and try to get him attacged to the daycare teacher by goin there with him or her and stayin with him or her for a few weeks and then he will see u trust this person and know this person so he will to and then after a while he will be comfffortable with u leaving him there alone becuz he will know this person and feel safe, Good Luck
by sophiesmom, Jan 14, 2006 12:00AM
Thank you very much, I feel somewhat reassured. I think the nursery staff are dealing appropriately with her aggression -- time outs, etc. -- and wonder if there's anything I can do at home to reinforce their efforts. I'm also wondering -- if her compulsive arranging of toys and so on is a different issue from her separation anxiety, is it indicative of some other problem that might require attention?
by becket, Jan 24, 2006 12:00AM
my daughter is three years old and is frightened by even talk of going to school. she will not stay with anyone besides my mother and mother in law without a complete breakdown with kicking and screaming and shaking please help
by CECEGIRL, Feb 05, 2006 12:00AM
HI, IF YOU COULD JUST BARE WITH ME FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES, THIS STORY IS ABOUT MY SON AND HOW THE SCHOOL SYSTEM CAN COME TO QUICK AND WRONG DIAGNOSIS, ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION. I HAVE A SIX YEAR OLD SON, WHEN HE WAS THREE I TRIED TO PUT HIM IN PRE-K AND WAS TURNED DOWN, I LIVE IN DC AND MOST OF THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS DONT OFFER PRE-K OR THEY COMBINED PRE-K WITH HEADSTART, AND YOU HAVE TO APPLY FOR THE PRE-K/HEADSTART SPOT AND THEY GO BY YOUR INCOME WHICH I THINK IS REALLY CRAZY FOR EDUCATION THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FREE, NUT I GOT TURNED DOWN. THE NEXT YEAR WHEN HE WENT TO SCHOOL THE FIRST DAY HE WAS OK CAUSE I TOLD HIM I WOULD BE RIGHT BACK I DONT THINK HE KNEW I WAS GOIN TO LEAVE HIM THERE. BUT THE SECOND DAY WHEN HE SAW THE SCHOOL BUILDING HE START CRYING AND I HAD TO PULL HIM IN, AND TAKE IN MIND THAT MY SON WOULD NOT TALK TO ANYBODY HE DIDNT KNOW, I MEAN HE WOULD NOT EVEN SAY A CASUAL HELLO, HE WOULD FROWN HIS FACE AND YANK HIS BODY IN OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF THAT PERSON HE DIDNT KNOW. MY SON ALSO STARTED TALKING LATE ABOUT AGE 3, I BLAME MY SELF CAUSE I TALKED FOR HIM NOT THINKING THAT OK HES GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO SAY IT HIMSELF. AND ALONG WITH TALKING LATE HE HAD A SPEECH PROMBLEM WHERE HE MISPRONOUNCE SOME WORDS(LIKE HE WOULDNT SAY "OOOH LOOK AT THE FISHES, HE WOULD SAY "OOOH LOOK A BISHES") AND A LANGUAGE PROBLEM WHERE HE WOULD SAY HIS SENTENCES WRONG OR LEAVE OUT VERBS LIKE(INSTEAD OF SAYING "THERE IS ONE PIG" HE WOULD SAY "THE PIG IS ONE")THE SCHOOL BEFORE DOING ANY TESTING TRIED TO SAY HE HAD AUTISM. I DID NOT BELIEVE THAT SO I TOOK HIM AND GOT HIM TESTED MY SELF, AND HE ALSO WOULD ARRANGE HIS CARS ON THE COUCH AND DID WANT NOONE TO TOUCH OR HE LIKE EATING WITH THE GREEN FORK, BUT IF TOLD HIM NO HE WOULD TRY AND ASK ME A COUPLE MORE TIME AND THEN HE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO EAT WITH THE SILVER FORK. IM JUST FRUSTRATED WITH THE WAY THE SCHOOL IS HANDLING THE SITUATION THERE SO QUICK TO JUDGE SO THEY CAN MOVE ONE TO THE NEXT CHILD. BUT I STRONGLY DISAGREED WITH THERE FINDINGS AND SINCE THEN I TOOK A LEAVE OF ABSENCE FROM MY JOB FOR A YEAR AND STAYED HOME AND WHEN MY SON CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL I DRILLED AND DRILLED AND HE WENT FROM NOT KNOW HIS ABC'S OR NUMBERS TO KNOWING ALL OF HIS ABC'S AND THE SOUNDS WRITING HIS NAME AND HIS NUMBERS TO 20. THE SCHOOL ALSO SAID THAT HE NEEDED OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY BECAUSE HE DIDNT HOLD HIS PENCIL RIGHT, BUT HE HAD NEAT HANDWRITING AND THE WORK DONE, I TOLD THE SCHOOL THAT HE WILL FIND HIS WAY OF HOLDING THE PENCIL HE KNOWS HOW TO TIE HIS SHOES AND BUTTONS HIS CLOTHES. SO BEFORE THEY COULD MOVE ON WITH THAT HE FOUND HIS WAY AND HE FOUND IT ON HIS OWN. MY SON NEEDS TO BE IN A SPECIAL EDUCATION CLASS THATS SPEECH AND LANGUAGE BASED WITH NO MORE THEN 5 STUDENTS. I HIRED THE LAW FIRM DALTON AND DALTON TO HANDLE MY CASE FIGHTING THE SCHOOL SYSTEM AND I WON. THEY DETERMINED THAT DCPS (DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA PUBLIC SCHOOLS) DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH IF ANY TESTING TO SUPPORT THERE FINDING, SO I WAS GIVEN A CHANCE TO PICK A SCHOOL FOR MY AT DCPS EXPENSE AND I CHOSE LINDENMOOD BELL. THEY ARE GREAT, THEY SPECIALIZE IN HELP CHILDREN WITH ALL TYPES OF DISABILITIES. DCPS HAS TO PAY $1600 A WEEK AND TRANSPORTATION FOR MY SON TO ATTEND THIS SCHOOL, HES GETTING BETTER AND BETTER.
