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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
3 Yr old boy potty trained fine at preschool and in public but pees on floor
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
3 Yr old boy potty trained fine at preschool and in public but pees on floor
by NVGun40, Jan 31, 2006 12:00AM
My three year old son, is potty trained for the most part. He does great at preschool and when we are out in public. He does fine when home with Mommy alone, very rarely is there any sort of accident. He uses the potty automatically. When I (daddy) get home though, he takes on a noticeably different behavior. He will pee his pants and change them, and often times, he knows he has to go pee but rather than go into the bathroom he will just go into his room and pee on the floor. This also seems to be tied in with going into Mommy and Daddy's room and taking valuables out of Daddy's drawer, and hiding them in and around his bed or in his play room. I have tried discipline of various forms, I have tried rewarding good behavior, I have tried redirection, I have tried time outs, I have tried having him clean it up, I have had him help me clean it up, I have tried withholding fun things he likes to do with Daddy.
When he has blatently pee'd in his pants I have tried making him wear the wet pants which he voices that he does not want to do but he will concede to doing it and continue on.
Also living in the household we have a five year old girl. I have never had any sort of problem like this with her. Though I do not compare them and never make mention of my son doing like his big sister.
My wife's obversations have lead her to say that it almost seems as if there is a power struggle that starts once I get home from work. While this is a possibility, during the times when I have the kids by myself and my wife is gone, I have no behavior or potty problems with my son, the problems all seem to start when both Mommy and Daddy are home together.
Any ideas?
When he has blatently pee'd in his pants I have tried making him wear the wet pants which he voices that he does not want to do but he will concede to doing it and continue on.
Also living in the household we have a five year old girl. I have never had any sort of problem like this with her. Though I do not compare them and never make mention of my son doing like his big sister.
My wife's obversations have lead her to say that it almost seems as if there is a power struggle that starts once I get home from work. While this is a possibility, during the times when I have the kids by myself and my wife is gone, I have no behavior or potty problems with my son, the problems all seem to start when both Mommy and Daddy are home together.
Any ideas?
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Feb 01, 2006 12:00AM
, Feb 01, 2006 12:00AM
I guess I'd be stating the obvious by commenting that your son's behavior does appear to have something to do with the interaction of family members. It will probably require more scrutiny to figure out what might be occurring. Sometimes it happens that children act out in order to distract parents from their own interaction which children find stressful. What is the nature of your and your wife's relationship? Is it generally in good shape? Are there overt conflicts between the two of you beyond what might be regarded as trivial, occasional disagreements in the context of a strong foundation? As a side note, I don't think it is prudent to have your son wear his wet clothes.
"Being a parent cannot be learned from books, it takes a lifetime to learn, and a community to raise a family." - unknown.
DinaGrimes -- Thank you for your suggestion, we will consider something similar.
I have 5 children and two of them do not handle change well. I firmly believe that continuing to have him change his pants and clean up his mess until the circumstances resolve is a fine solution. Don't make a big deal out of it (a nonchalant "go change your pants and clean up the floor" should suffice...if he doesn't know how show him and then let him do it himself after that).
I think you just need to press on and the situation will pass as your son adjusts to the changes.
In the mean time maybe you could make a tradition of reading a story or playing a game (like memory or building with legos etc...) with him for 15-20mins or so every evening. Kind of a Dad/son thing; if there's a power struggle going on this may lighten his view a little.
It's also normal for young boys to be jealous of the attention their Dads get from their moms. The time you spend with just him may make mom's attention towards you less threatening to your little man.
It sounds like you're doing fine. Try to stay emotionally detached from that particular behavior...a reaction will only make things worse I think. I often share with my kids the difference between reacting and responding. Reacting is generally out of a self motive (get the kid to stop peeing his pants because it's bothering you guys...it'd bother me too!) and responding is usually out of an "other than self" motive (it's more work but do what's best for the child, i.e., taking responsibility for his actions and spending more time with dad in a nonthreatening way).
Parenting can be so daunting at times. I've comforted myself through many parenting dilemmas by reminding myself that the situation will most likely not be present by the time my child graduates from high school :). LOL, honestly I hope the circumstances resolve soon!
Kelly
I think you may have hit something when you say it may be tied to the attention that Mom and I share. When he is with either of us by ourselves he is fine, so when we I get home the one on one attention he has had from his mom (Sister gets plenty of attention too, but even that is Mom and daughter) is threatened, because he wants the attention from Mom and now that Dad is home he wants that to.
During the past three days I have tried almost exactly what you said. I have not shown much reaction to his "accidents", I have merely just given him clean clothes and had him help me wipe up the mess (if any). I make it a point to read to my children at least 4 - 5 nights per week, they absolutely love it.
It sounds like you're coping wonderfully as a blended family! Not all families can boast that...you and your wife have done a fantastic job.
The "baby" of the family is often the one who is the most sensitive. It's certainly true in our house! I really don't know why it works out that way but it seems to quite frequently.
I truly hope your son's behavior resolves soon. Wet pants aren't any fun for anybody involved! Keep up the good work though!
Kelly