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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
10 year old girl stealing at home.
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
10 year old girl stealing at home.
by Brassman1, Apr 20, 2006 12:00AM
Brenda is 10 years old. She is my step-daughter who lives part of the week with us.
We have had an ongoing problem with her stealing/sneaking/hiding candy for the past couple of years. She has stolen birthday candy from me, and stuff from her dad and younger brother. She eats it and then stashes the evidence in her room. 4 times now we have searched her room and found at lest 30 to 40 candy wrappers hidden all over. (in books, socks, drawers, between her mattress anyplace out of sight.) This time we found an empty sugar packet?? The search was prompted by some gum that belonged to her brother that was missing. I found the wrappers in her room. She of course denies it up until the point of me saying that I would make her brother apologize to her for accusing her. Then she finally backs down.
I have many concerns about this…one being where does she get most of it?? The only time we buy the kids candy is for an occasion Vday Christmas etc. We don't keep it around. Of course don't know why she steels it. The recent episode included the gum from her brother and a huge bag of M&M’s I gave her dad at Halloween and he has stashed way up high above the fridge. She must have found them somehow and climbed up there. He found the empty bag in her lunch box??
I'm sure you know that real mother is playing it off like it’s just normal kids stuff. She refused to acknowledge that Brenda may need to talk to someone. Even though it’s been escalating for over two years now. Her dad has told me that her mother use to hide candy and eat it, I think this is why she won't see it as a problem for Brenda. I never thought she would steal from her dad. As a matter of fact when talking to her about the gum I asked her if she only stole from her brother and I. I even asked her to be honest because lying would only make me believe that it was that she only wanted to hurt us. She chose to have me believe that. It’s was only two days later that her dad found the M&M bag empty. Brenda is very good about lying, there have even been times when her brother has taken the blame because I believed her. It’s that Good Kid bad Kid thing. For the most part she is compliant mindful and respectful.
She has taken other things that belonged to me and broken them then hid them or put them back in my jewelry box like they just broke themselves. It wasn't until I found a necklace of mine in her room broken that she finally cracked about that.
I have tried with her to connect and be her friend and she seems at the time to be open to it and happy and fine then BOOM something like this happens.
What is your opinion and what advise?
Edna
We have had an ongoing problem with her stealing/sneaking/hiding candy for the past couple of years. She has stolen birthday candy from me, and stuff from her dad and younger brother. She eats it and then stashes the evidence in her room. 4 times now we have searched her room and found at lest 30 to 40 candy wrappers hidden all over. (in books, socks, drawers, between her mattress anyplace out of sight.) This time we found an empty sugar packet?? The search was prompted by some gum that belonged to her brother that was missing. I found the wrappers in her room. She of course denies it up until the point of me saying that I would make her brother apologize to her for accusing her. Then she finally backs down.
I have many concerns about this…one being where does she get most of it?? The only time we buy the kids candy is for an occasion Vday Christmas etc. We don't keep it around. Of course don't know why she steels it. The recent episode included the gum from her brother and a huge bag of M&M’s I gave her dad at Halloween and he has stashed way up high above the fridge. She must have found them somehow and climbed up there. He found the empty bag in her lunch box??
I'm sure you know that real mother is playing it off like it’s just normal kids stuff. She refused to acknowledge that Brenda may need to talk to someone. Even though it’s been escalating for over two years now. Her dad has told me that her mother use to hide candy and eat it, I think this is why she won't see it as a problem for Brenda. I never thought she would steal from her dad. As a matter of fact when talking to her about the gum I asked her if she only stole from her brother and I. I even asked her to be honest because lying would only make me believe that it was that she only wanted to hurt us. She chose to have me believe that. It’s was only two days later that her dad found the M&M bag empty. Brenda is very good about lying, there have even been times when her brother has taken the blame because I believed her. It’s that Good Kid bad Kid thing. For the most part she is compliant mindful and respectful.
She has taken other things that belonged to me and broken them then hid them or put them back in my jewelry box like they just broke themselves. It wasn't until I found a necklace of mine in her room broken that she finally cracked about that.
I have tried with her to connect and be her friend and she seems at the time to be open to it and happy and fine then BOOM something like this happens.
What is your opinion and what advise?
Edna
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Apr 21, 2006 12:00AM
, Apr 21, 2006 12:00AM
It is very important that you not personalize this situation - i.e., that you not assume that there is a personal message to you via the behavior. Generally, though it's important to be careful not to assume the motive, children do this sort of thing out of a sense of neediness/deprivation. Now this does not necessarily mean that she is deprived in a material sense. Because the craving appears to revolve around sugar, it's also important to have her checked medically to rule out an organic contributor to the problem. Arrange an evaluation with a mental health professional who specializes in the evaluation and treatment of children. It can be very difficult to be a step-parent and to develop afoundation which allows you to exercise the various roles of a parent, including discipline and limit-setting. At the very least, the clinician can help you and your husband re: management of the behavior.
Member Comments (4)
by atmywit, May 02, 2006 12:00AM
Boy, can I relate to your situation! My 8 year old step son went thru that also--we would find candy and wrappers hidden all over his room (drawers, pillow cases, even stashed inside the "cover" on the bunkbed atop him). We also don't buy candy for the most part but do occasionally have some in the house (also stored up on top of the fridge) but he would evidently "steal" from his gandparents house, his mother's house, school and then hide them. My step son has gone to the extent of taking a pack of gum out of my husband's lunch box and hiding it in his room. Every time he was busted it he would deny it to the point that he would get mad that you were accusing him. Then finally the truth would come out and he would think "I'm sorry" got him out of everything. We've also witnessed him almost "hording" stuff in his room, even to the extent that while putting socks away I found a bunch of unpopped popcorn hidden away in the drawer. In his case, temptation seems to be a constant problem, even stealing from his teacher (he stole 2 pencils from her desk while being rewarded by being able to sit there). While he's gotten past the candy issue, the stealing is still an issue unfortunatly. He used to steal everyday things like combs, air freshners, etc and hiding them in his room--even though we would explain that he was free to use those items when need be. Everyone says it's a "kid thing" to an extent, but we do have him visiting with a therapist to see about any other underlying issues. Stay strong and supportive of your husband, and see if a therapist can help you get thru to her. Good luck!!!
by banchee88, May 18, 2006 12:00AM
I have the sam problem with my almost 10 year old daughter. SHe has been stealing from everyone in the house including her little sister. We just moved 3 monthes ago and when the movers packed everything up there were TONS of candy wrappers, my jewelery rpair kit, she even stole two little swiss army knives from her father on two different occasions and her sisters lipgloss. I haven't figured out how to deal with that myself yet either. She has also been carving in our furniture and destroying her box spring. She graduated to carving the brand new school chairs. I am waiting on a referral to a phsycologist so that I can see what they say. Good luck to you too.
by jillmd101, May 18, 2006 12:00AM
I have an 8 yr old daughter that is having difficulty with stealing, getting caught by myself or her dad(step-dad but has adopted her- the only father she has ever known.), and then lies about it. Then when she knows we know the truth she doesn't know why she did it. She's had problems at school with her friends where she has taken things such as lipgloss and her friend has said"that's mine" and my daughter denies it. Brings it home and we ask about it, says her friend"gave" it to her. We make it known to the teacher and the school counselor and things are worked out. She is very smart, lovely and well mannered young lady with great grades inschool, but the behavior continues at home where she is constantly lying or stealing something. We've tried taking away fun after school activites from her, we've tried taking away animals and toys and play time outside, but nothing seems to get through to her that this behavior is wrong. Then we we get angry and raise our voices a bit (not yelling just stearn) she thinks that we don't love her. How can we make her understand that we love her but that this behavior must stop?
by Gypsy17, Mar 26, 2008 07:21AM
A related discussion, 10 yr. old granddaughter stealing and lying at home was started.
