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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
can a neglected 7-year old forget and unlearn bad behavior?
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
can a neglected 7-year old forget and unlearn bad behavior?
by gedmont, Sep 17, 2006 12:00AM
5 months ago, i assumed custody of JD, the 7-year-old son of my gardener, who had legal issues, and a drug addict. i am a 39-year-old male, unmarried, no children. i am an author & can provide JD with a good life. he had been living in a tent and had stopped attending a first grade class for children with behavioral problems. initially he was so aggressive, rude and uneducated that i almost gave up. he either ignored me & avoided eye contact or told me off. i tried to be calm & loving, but it was a challenge. after an unprovoked, violent tantrum, i took an alpha role, picked him up & put him in his room, held his face so that he had to look at me & menacingly told him that he could never act like that again. he cried hysterically, begged me not to send him away. i felt heartsick, but he has not done anything like that again (neither have i). his father is now being held on charges of aggravated sexual assault (former girlfriend, i think JD's mother) & faces a lengthy jail sentence - at his request, a court gave me permanent guardianship. JD is now enrolled in a good school where he is doing well. i study with him, he now reads and speaks nearly perfectly, he is on a soccer team learning to play & socialize (he used to bite other children). he now prides himself on his health, appearance & even his manners ... some of the time. i'm actually surprised at how well he has adjusted, all things considered. he is loving & affectionate with me (and my dogs, finally!) - he calls me "Dad" - but he does not respect other adults, especially not women (big surprise) or authority figures. he is very bossy and overly independent (he was left alone to fend for himself for much of the day since he was 4). despite his father's problems, he was actually very loving with JD, and to hear JD describe his mother, so was she (although she was arrested for neglecting him & lost her parental rights), & JD seems to pride himself on some simmilarities with his parents. he still sometimes behaves in aggressive or inappropriate ways & will often justify it by citing how he & his "old mom & dad" lived. once when i asked him to make an effort to "forget" some of the negative from his past, and focus on the positive he learned (there was some), he replied "i can't. it's like it's part of my body", which is very astute (he is extremely intelligent). another time he said glaringly, "i'm half mexican." i don't ever want to take his culture away from him. i am white but have diverse, multi-ethnic friends, speak french fluently, and have offered to learn spanish so he won't forget that, but there is so much else for him to "unlearn". he needs to share my values (one of which is respect for everyone, especially women!). should i take him to see his father in jail (they both want that)? should he be in therapy, and if so, with whom? i feel like time is running out! i recall how strikingly "formed" my neice and nephew were by age 9. how much can a 7.5-year-old forget/unlearn/change?
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Sep 20, 2006 12:00AM
, Sep 20, 2006 12:00AM
It isn't so much a matter of forgetting; the experiences are part of his life. He senses that by his astute response. It is possible to adapt, to integrate the various experiences he has undegrgone. In part, this will occur as he enjoys the benefits of sound parenting and normal, age-typical social interactions, as well as a good school program. Therapy can certainly be useful. Through it he can address some of the painful past that it really doesn't make sense for you to explore with him. Any seasoned pediatric therapist could serve him well though, if you have the option, someone who is experienced treating victims of abuse and neglect would be sensible.
I am a mother of 3 and my first child did not have it easy as I was a single mother, times were tough - with love and understanding a child does not unlearn bad behavior but learn good behavior and given the choice if they are loved treated with respect they will then behave accordingly. I do agree that maybe let him talk to a therapist talking to someone always helps not only children but all of us - and maybe you should do the same. Persevere things will get better a child will adapt to the surroundings.
He is only little, look at his hands they are not the hands of an adult they do not grasp as an adult hands do – so they cant always express themselves properly and may use aggression when acting out to something – don’t be afraid to use discipline but always let him know that he is loved and takes seriously.
Good luck and enjoy fatherhood.